


your soul was my anchor

by tigerlo



Series: we were stronger than the darkness between us [3]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Smut, This is the big million-au exploration fic so i'll update the tags as we go so I dont spoil you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2018-12-08 11:12:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 66,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11645391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlo/pseuds/tigerlo
Summary: Erin and Jillian move through different universes as the result of a terrible lab accident.orA continuation of the million universes au. An exploration of other worlds.





	1. prologue and one.

**Author's Note:**

> This is it, team. This is the big one!
> 
> I've been working on this for months now. It started off as a little piece with one or two au's but it kept growing, and before I knew it there were about twelve of them and this word doc was about 60,000 words....
> 
> So, the way this fic will work is that each chapter is it's own au. They will all be really different and aren't necessarily in any kind of order or sequence. They can all just about be read alone, although there are veins that run through them all that reference back to the fact that they're moving through these worlds. 
> 
> I've also been playing with the rating because most of these would be fine with an M rating but some of them are a bit racier, or have scenes that are a bit heavier, so I might change that to an E once we hit those. I'll make sure I tag any chapters that have any material that requires tagging though.
> 
> The chapters are mostly written but they still need tweaking so I'll try and get one or two up a week. I also might add another au or two on to the end so I'm not actually sure how many chapters this beast will have just yet but I think it'll be around fourteen. 
> 
> I think that's all? Feel free to come and say hi on tumblr if you have any questions as we go along but I think they'll be mostly self-explanatory as they're kind of stand alone pieces. 
> 
> Phew, what a novel. That's enough from me, now onto the show. 
> 
> Allow me to present the prologue and the first piece, a country club au. 
> 
> Enjoy....
> 
> x

-

 

**prologue.**

 

-

  


It's a pain that's almost unbearable, the living with it. With the knowledge of what they've been through.

 

Of what they've _endured_.

 

In the beginning Erin had thought the knowing would have driven her mad if Jillian couldn't remember too, but after a month, she **knows**.

 

Because the memories of worlds are maddening in their complexity and intricacy, and that's not even touching on the way it had almost broken her heart beyond any sort of salvageable, reconstructable state.

 

But thank god, Jillian _remembers_.

 

Jillian remembers, and it's quite simply the single most important fact in Erin's life, or lives, because it is her tether.

 

It's her anchor.

 

And she knows she'd be clinging desperately at sanity without it.

 

But she does, she remembers, and it makes everything ok.

  


-

  


Erin remembers more vividly than Jillian does, simply, she thinks, because she was lucid for all of it.

 

Holtz remembers too but they're less diamond, more glass. Unless she was there for them, then she recalls them perfectly.

 

And Erin knows she tries, runs through them all in her head and her heart every moment she's not working or sleeping because she needs to make sure Erin doesn't feel alone and Erin _loves_ her for it.

 

It's an interesting side effect of the trauma (this is what Erin calls it in her head although it's not strictly that because it was a privilege too, because they have seen things no one else living or dead will) but they're both left with an almost eidetic memory which gives them perfect clarity and recall of everything they have experienced.

 

She doesn't know if this is just another cosmic joke or if it's meant to be, that whatever power had driven their journey had _needed_ them to remember.

 

Regardless of why though, they both **have** and Erin is eternally, infinitely grateful.

  


-

  


The days are surprisingly harder.

 

At night she can draw Jillian close to her body and weep for the things they have experienced. For the things they have done.

 

For the lives they have taken and the lives they have lost and the bone aching loneliness that sometimes spanned decades.

 

They can cry together and hold tighter and take the air out of the pain, lance the wound and sigh in relief until the sun comes up.

 

The days are harder because she tries to hold it together.

 

Because they had agreed not to reveal the deep truth to anyone. Patty and Abby know they have experienced something enormous but not the true depth or consequence, and Gorin knows more but not everything.

 

It's better this way, easier to hide even from the ones they love than to have them constantly worrying for their sanity.

 

Gorin does regardless though. She phones twice a week and speaks to them both individually and then together, and Erin knows she knows there's so much more they're not telling her but she never pushes, just tells them over and over that she's here and to use her if they ever need.

 

But the days are hard because they have to hold themselves together in the light, around the others.

 

And some days it's easier, some days it's not a struggle at all but some days it's _hard_.

 

Some days Erin will be in the middle of an article or equation, or pouring a cup of coffee and a memory from another will hit her full in the chest and make her stagger under the weight.

 

And it's not always sad memories, or hard ones, sometimes they're happy but they catch her off guard all the same, and she feels like a grain of sand in the ocean because she knows how vast the universe is now, and it is **overwhelming**.

  


-

  


Jillian is there though. Jillian is always there.

 

They barely leave each other's side now and at first Erin had been worried it would be too much, that one of them would tire of it, but they both revel in it instead.

 

Because their presence is a balm against the horror of what they have experienced, but it's something else as well.

 

It's love and softness but it's electric too, in only a way that a connection as deep as theirs could be.

 

Because there's a sadness to them both sometimes but there's heat also.

 

There's a heat that lights the dark corners and sears off screaming nerve endings and Erin loves it. Because they might have lived and died a thousand times but the feeling of Jillian's hand in hers still makes her heart jump.

 

And it's priceless really, because some days the only way to shut everything off is to _touch_ and it works every single time because Jillian's body against hers has stopped time before, and it stops pain now too.

 

Sometimes it only needs to be quick, a hurried fumble across Erin's desk in the middle of the day but sometimes it needs to be more, and they see the sun up and down with their moans.

 

(And so what if they do this more often than not because it helps, because it's a tonic, a snap to reset their bones. And Erin wears the marks from these nights with a pride she never thought she would find in this world, because they show her **strength** )

 

She wishes the marks they bear in their chests would show on the outside sometimes, but mostly she is glad they are written in an ink that only they can see. And not only because it would litter them otherwise.

 

Because they have survived going over the edge of everything and if the pain is theirs to bear alone, then the unfiltered joy is too.

  


-

 

**one.**

country club au.

 

-

  


In one world Erin is married to a rich businessman and lives in a perfectly painted house with a perfectly manicured lawn, and she passes her days with the other society women at the local country club.

 

This life is hard because it's boring, and Erin yearns for the mental stretch she gets from closing her eyes and writing formula across the inside of her mind until she can't make out one word from another.

 

At least it's just them though, there are no children to complicate the mundane routine of her days, and for that Erin is thankful.

 

She is in this world for a month before she sees Jillian for the first time and when it finally happens Erin actually has to do a double take because she almost doesn't recognise her.

 

It's Erin's heart that sees first, not her eyes, thumping heavily in her chest as it reaches across the club room to the bar.

 

She's wearing a white polo tucked into khaki shorts and her hair is pulled back into a neat high ponytail and honestly, Erin almost laughs out loud because it's the most un-Holtzmann she has seen to date across any of these worlds.

 

Erin makes eye contact across the room, forgetting herself for a moment before one of the ladies elbows her in the side.

 

“Erin darling, what on earth are you staring at?” One of the women asks with a raised eyebrow, thumbing the pearls at her neck.

 

And actually she has to shake her head to snap herself out of it because she might not look like Holtzmann but _god_ , can Erin see the appeal regardless.

 

Her attire makes her look a little younger and while it looks ridiculous on the other members of staff, it's remarkably becoming on Jillian.

 

The sleeves of the polo highlight her deep summer tan and show off the long lean muscles of her arms as she carries a tray over to the table a few over from the one Erin is sitting at, the shorts doing a similarly tempting thing to the knot of muscle in her calves.

 

“Who's the new girl?” Erin asks as she turns back to the women, picking the olive out of her glass, not taking her eyes off Jillian as she takes it in her mouth.

 

Holtz looks up at exactly the right moment, just as Erin rolls her tongue over the olive drawing it between her teeth delicately, and she's remarkably satisfied to watch a blush creep over Jillian's cheeks as she watches.

 

It's not a shy blush though, or a hesitant one. No, it's heavier than that, and for a moment Erin wonders if she _remembers_ here.

 

“She's a student at MIT with the Harper’s son,” Someone says to her left, and she nods in acknowledgement. “PhD, I think. She's staying with them for the summer.”

 

“Are they dating?” Erin asks automatically, and she wants to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of Jillian Holtzmann dating a man but these universes have been wildly unpredictable thus far, and Erin knows she should be ready for any possibility.

 

“Nosy?” One of the other women asks but there's no malice in her voice, only a hint of teasing because this is what they do here, pass their days passing judgement on things that in no way concern them.

 

Erin scowls back, because here she is their unofficial leader, Queen of the Country Club with the wealthiest husband and the nicest house and the highest ranking career credentials before she married and was asked to give it all up.  

 

(Thank god she wasn't actually conscious here for _that_ because there's no way she would have given up her position as a solicitor at the local law firm without sinking her teeth in and drawing blood in defiance first.)

 

“No,” the other woman says with a smirk as she shakes her head. “I think she's actually a….”

 

The woman trails off, raising her shoulders and ducking her head as though she's about to reveal a piece of salacious gossip.

 

The other women at the table all lean in close in response, eager to hear whatever it is she's about to reveal.

 

“I heard,” the woman says whispering. “From Dorothy Black’s sister, that she's a _lesbian_.”

 

“Oh,” Erin says rolling her eyes as she leans back in her chair. “Is that all? God Gabby, I thought you were going to tell us something interesting.”

 

“What part of that isn't interesting?” One of the other women ask seriously. “I don't think I've ever met one before.”

 

“She's not a different species you know,” Erin says, laughing at the woman's stupidity. “And I can guarantee you have.”

 

“I've always wondered what it would be like to sleep with a woman,” one of them says, and Erin rolls her eyes as she tunes herself out of the conversation.

 

Before she does though she gives them a parting gossip snippet before she gets up to go and order herself another drink from the bar as an excuse to talk to Jillian.

 

“It's incredible,” Erin says casually as she stands up. “Life-changing, even. And soft. Long fingers instead of rough ones make such a difference, too.”

 

She doesn't need to turn around to know the whole table is staring at her, mouths agape, but she doesn't look back as the makes her way to the bar.

 

She's dressed a little more casually today, a white shirt with the collar turned up and a set of pearls across her collarbone with skin tight cropped jeans with heels, always heels here, and she feels the power associated with the status she has push her forward as her hands shake.

 

She's a few feet from the bar when Jillian looks up. The first is quick, in passing, only catching Erin ever so briefly but she obviously registers something she likes because her head flicks up again and her eyes settle on Erin as she walks the last few steps.

 

The first thing Erin notices is how the light frames Jillian's eyes and she prays that her life before now has been kind to her, and this is a result of that and not in spite of it.

 

She holds Erin's gaze, **strong** , which none of the other staff here ever have and Erin can't help but feel a little proud of her confidence.

 

Then there's a beat and Erin feels a cold shiver run down her back because maybe she does _remember,_ but then Erin realises that no matter how strict the dress code, the Jillian Holtzmann she knows so well now would never wear that uniform without customising it in some way, shape or form.

 

She keeps Erin's eye regardless though, right up until Erin leans over the bench of the bar, her palms flat on the wood.

 

The massive diamond in her engagement ring throws the light into Jillian's _blue, blue, blue_ eyes and Erin feels the other larger purer stone in her pocket throb with proximity to the blonde.

 

“Hi,” Erin says smiling a little wickedly. “You're new here?”

 

It's not really a question as much as it is a starting gun cracking at the beginning of a race, the noise echoing in Erin's chest.

 

“I am,” Holtz says smiling as she reaches down beneath the bar for a glass. “And you're Solicitor Gilbert, right?”

 

“I am,” Erin says surprised, a little taken aback. “How did you….”

 

“You're a bit of a legend around here, you know?” Holtz says quietly, leaning in closer to Erin. “Besides, maybe I make it my business to know who the most beautiful women in a room are.”

 

There it is, Erin thinks with a blush. That trademark Jillian Holtzmann flirting that seems to permeate almost every world, regardless of whether Jillian is lucid or not.

 

Erin doesn't deny the compliment because here she has a confidence unique to almost every other world but she does blush a little, the pink staining her cheeks as Holtz smirks and makes her a drink.

 

“I'd ask you how you know what I drink but I feel like your answer is going to be the same,” Erin says with a wry smile and this time it's Jillian's turn to blush, and Erin doesn't think she's ever seen anything as beautiful here in this world.

 

She accepts the glass of gin and tonic, careful to brush her fingers across Jillian's as she takes it from her.

 

“They teach you this at MIT as well?” Erin asks with a casual lilt as she pops a bit of ice into her mouth.

 

“Nope,” Holtz says her eyes follow Erin's lips instead. “That's all me.”

 

“Well, maybe you'll have to come round one afternoon when you finish up here,” Erin says with a boldness that surprises her. “There's an enormous amount of top shelf liquor in my cabinet at home just _begging_ to be played with like this.”

 

It's dangerous, she knows it is, but she's so fucking bored here and the relief at having found Jillian overrides any consequences that might follow.

 

That catches Jillian off guard though, and Erin has to bite her lip to stop doing anything more forward when Jillian's blush deepens.

 

“Give me a time and a place and I'll be there,” Holtz says as she slides a bit of paper with her number on it across to Erin who picks it up before brushing her lips with it softly.

 

If it were anyone else in the world Erin would worry about the ease with which Jillian accepts her offer without knowing anything about Erin's circumstances, beyond that she knows Erin's clearly married, but she doesn't because she doesn’t have to. Because there's a trust that underpins the current they travel along that is iron-clad, and neither one of them can explain, even at the very end.

 

It's the trust that tells Erin this is the first (and last) time Jillian will offer to accompany anyone home, and she only does it because she knows something feels different about this.

 

Stronger.

 

_Flawless_.

 

“Tomorrow too soon?” Erin asks with a casual shrug as she bites down on the ice cube.

 

“Not soon enough,” Holtz says as she watches Erin's lips, never moving her eyes from them.

 

“I'll be home all day,” Erin says as she melts the last shard on her tongue. “I'll send you the address soon, but feel free to drop round whenever you want. I'm alone all week.”

 

“Well we can hardly have that can we,” Holtz says as she slides a fresh drink over to Erin for her to take back to the table.

 

“No,” Erin says with a mock-dramatic sigh. “It’d be _such_ a shame, don't you think?”

 

“Terrible,” Holtz says with a smile before Erin sees another thought slide in behind her eyes. “I'm free tonight too, you know?”

 

“Is that so?” Erin asks interestedly. “Well, in that case it'd be criminal not to have you for dinner.”

 

The double entendre is almost too easy but Erin gives in anyway, and Jillian smiles in return.

 

“Around seven?” Holtz asks casually, obviously careful not to sound too eager.

 

“Perfect,” Erin purrs softly.

 

“Would you like me to bring anything?” Holtz asks and Erin shakes her head.

 

“No need. Just you.”

 

“It's a date,” Erin says, grinning widely for the first time in what feels like years.

 

She gives Holtz one last heavy look before she scoops the drink up in her hand and starts back towards the table, the women all staring at her agape.

 

“Well?” One of the women ask as she sits back down, taking a sip of her drink.

 

“Well, what?” Erin asks with a raised eyebrow.

 

“What's she like,” one of the others pipes in.

 

“Lovely,” Erin says with a shrug, not giving anything away, to the enormous annoyance of the women around her. “Makes a hell of a gin and tonic.”

  


-

  


Erin can't help but laugh as she pours herself a drink while she waits for Jillian to arrive because the situation has all the trimmings of a terrible porn movie, only this time the true love plot point is actually true.

 

She arrives at seven on the dot, a box full of dessert carefully balanced on her upturned palm as she sweeps her hair over to one side when Erin opens the door.

 

She smiles bright but small when Erin ushers her in, not able to help looking the younger woman up and down.

 

“I wasn't sure if you'd come,” Erin says honestly as the walks Jillian in through the foyer.

 

“Why on earth would I not?” Holtz says looking a little surprised as Erin offers her a drink.

 

She seems unfazed by the grandness of the house around her, perfectly comfortable in Erin's presence as she takes a seat at the breakfast bar, watching Erin move around the kitchen.

 

“I don't know,” Erin says shrugging. “A stranger invites you around for the evening, you might just have been humouring me when you said yes earlier?”

 

“Not a stranger,” Holtz reasons. “You're a very important and influential country club member. Besides, I don't know why but I trust you?”

 

“I'm glad,” Erin says, her face softening kindly. “I've been told I'm a very trustworthy person.”

 

(By you, Erin doesn't say. You've trusted me with your life in fact. More than once. It's what you're doing right now, even)

 

“Also,” Holtz says, her forehead crinkling in a frown as her eyes light up beautifully and Erin finds herself shifting towards it, pulling like a magnet as she hangs on Jillian's next words. “The evening? I thought this was dinner?”

 

The question is light enough, testing, said in such a way that Erin can brush this off if she's changed her mind or Jillian has the wrong end of the stick.

 

She's not going to though. Not tonight.

 

Not ever.

 

“What do you want it to be?” Erin asks, dropping whatever's in her hand to focus on Jillian and Jillian alone.

 

She doesn't look spooked, or put off. A little nervous maybe but she holds Erin's gaze with an impressive ease because it's heavy, weighing Erin down, pinning her by the wrists and neck to the shackles around both their chests.

 

“What do _you_ want it to be?” Jillian asks, coy.

 

“Do you need me to spell it it for you?” Erin asks as she keeps moving, around the bench to stand an arm's length away from the blonde.

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says as she leans into the distance between them, narrowing it further. “I think I do.”

 

She's smirking so loud it's almost audible and Erin just about rolls her eyes because god, this is _her_ Jillian. The one she left in their own world in all but memory, and it makes her want to sob.

 

She doesn't speak, not trusting her voice not to break with a crack that matches the one across her heart, so Erin moves instead.

 

She closes the few steps, one hand sliding against Jillian's jaw as the other pulls her close by the collar of her shirt as she brings their lips together and sighs.

 

The echo makes an almost audible thump in the air around them, rippling through Erin’s chest and into her heart as Jillian's lips part immediately for her.

 

The kiss is hot and deep, almost practised in its flawlessness, and Erin knows that this is their muscle memory carried on the veins of their connection as it flows between worlds.

 

They part with a gasp long minutes later, Erin's hand in Jillian's hair and Jillian's hand up her top.

 

Jillian looks to her for some kind of signal to carry on and Erin gives it, moving back in for more and Jillian moves too, picking Erin up with hands on the underside of her thighs, dropping her on the kitchen bench so she can move between them.

 

“Jesus,” Erin gasps as Jillian's hands settle on her ass and pull them closer, and she just bites her tongue in time to stop _I've missed you_ leaking out with the rest of her self control.

 

“Is this….” Holtz asks, her chest heaving and her hands on Erin's hips.

 

“Yes,” Erin moans, pulling them together again, just catching the grin that settles across Jillian's lips before she kisses it clean off.

 

“I don't normally make a habit of this, you know,” Holtz says as she pops the top button of Erin's shirt open with her teeth. “I've never….”

 

“I know,” Erin says as she rolls their hips together. “It's ok, I know.”

 

“Good,” Holtz says nodding, her worry smoothed over as her hands slide over Erin's thighs.

 

“Upstairs?” Erin asks breathlessly.

 

“Yes,” Holtz moans before she catches herself. “Wait, what about dinner? I mean, you made all this effort….”

 

“Later,” Erin says shaking her head. “I don't care.”

 

“Good,” Holtz says with a gasp as she pulls Erin off the bench, wrapping Erin's legs around her waist as she carries Erin into the next room. “Where?”

 

“Up,” Erin says quickly as she winds her arms around the blonde's neck. “And to the left.”

 

It's not her room, it's the grander guest suite instead because she won't taint this thing with Jillian with memories of someone else's ghost in the sheets.

 

They walk into the room and Jillian heads towards the bed, not bothering to set Erin on her feet, lowering her onto the mattress instead before crawling between her thighs.

 

Jillian kisses her deep before leaning back to rest on her heels between Erin's legs, her hand on Erin's hip, anchoring them.

 

She doesn't say anything for a moment and she's still, like she's battling something in her head, and Erin pushes up on her elbows in response.

 

“Is everything ok?” She asks gently. “Do you want to stop?”

 

That snatches Jillian's attention, and her eyes settle back into this plane.

 

“God no,” Holtz says, shaking her head. “No, I'm sorry. I just had, I don't know….déjà vu maybe? Or like my brain was trying to show me a memory but it couldn't quite get there? That sounds crazy, I'm sorry.”

 

It's not crazy though, not at all. Because Erin's seen this happen a few times now, when the veil between the worlds they travel through _falters_ and some of the memories start to ebb through.

 

“Not crazy,” Erin says shaking her head. “But we can stop, anytime.”

 

“Not on my account,” Holtz says as she leans in to kiss Erin again. “God, you're so beautiful. You know that right?”

 

Part of Erin does want to stop it then, not because she doesn't want this because _god_ she does, but because she misses the soft intimacy they sometimes get to share in the worlds where they wake up together, or the ones where they meet and spend lazy days in bed.

 

It's hard when they go a long time without Jillian's lucidity because she's here, yes, but she's not too, and it makes Erin feel so alone.

 

But if this is all they get here, quick stolen moments around the ache in Erin's heart then she'll take them, gladly. Because some of Jillian Holtzmann is better than nothing at all.

 

“Hey,” Holtz says quietly. “Do you want to stop?”

 

“No,” Erin says shaking her head now. “Sorry. I just….I think I had it too.”

 

Normally she's so good at pretending but sometimes it's too damn hard, and the fatigue must tell in the curve of her hip because when Jillian kisses her again it's hard and deep but soft too, and it takes Erin by surprise. Almost like the part of _her_ Jillian had read Erin’s faltering and surged to meet her, searing the gap over an open wound.

 

“You still want this?” Jillian asks again, her hands on the bottom of Erin's shirt, waiting.

 

“Yes,” Erin says heavily, rolling up into the blonde's body as she smiles and a bit of the loneliness dissolves in her blood. “Yes, I want this.”

 

“Have you done this before?” Holtz asks curiously as she pops each button of Erin's shirt open slowly, biting her lip harder with every inch of Erin's skin she reveals.

 

“In a manner,” Erin says after a pause, smiling when Holtz looks to her confused. “Have you?”

 

“Yes,” Holtz says evenly. “Is that….”

 

“It's more than ok,” Erin says preempting her question as she smiles against Jillian's lips. “Maybe you can show me a trick or two.”

 

Jillian smiles then too, because the last of Erin's buttons pop open and the tanned skin of Erin's stomach spreads out for Jillian, and Erin swears she hears her growl.

 

“I don't know how I'm going to keep my hands off you after this,” Jillian breathes against Erin’s skin as her hands settle on the top of Erin's jeans.

 

“Who said you have to?” Erin says with a smirk as her hands tug at Holtz's shirt. “I'm yours. If you want me, that is.”

 

“What about your….” Holtz says a little uncertain.

 

Husband? Marriage? Status?

 

“I don't care,” Erin says as she pushes Jillian's shirt off her shoulders, throwing it somewhere behind her. “I don't want it. I don't want any of it. I just want you.”

 

Normally an admission like that would hit a few alarm bells but for whatever reason the universe ripples around them, settling Jillian's question like a spell, like the other iterations of herself are standing there like ghosts telling her it's ok, and she smiles wide above Erin instead.

 

She softens and Erin feels her heart melt in her chest at the sight before a hungry shadow drops over her eyes.

 

“You can have me too,” Jillian says meeting Erin's eyes. “I mean I'm yours, too.”

 

“I know,” Erin says smirking dangerously as she wraps her legs firmer around Holtz's waist and rolls them, settling on top of the blonde's hips.

 

“So have me,” Jillian says below her, open and wanting and waiting.

 

So Erin does.

  


-

  


Jillian doesn't let her top for long, she never does, her own ingrained dominance winding through her veins and down into Erin's skin.

 

And while it's fun sometimes to play a different role, she loves it like this more, when she can lie back and let Jillian _take, take, take_ until they run out of breath.

 

Jillian moves over her body and she feels the echoes of their other selves in the room, almost a tangible presence.

 

They fall asleep sometime in the early morning, Erin first, dropping off with the glow of Jillian's hair in the moonlight in her mind.

 

She wakes in the early morning, the blonde fast asleep next to her, her lips and breath soft against Erin's neck and the diamond on bedside table almost glowing in the dark. It’s still early though, hours before the dawn, so Erin closes here eyes one last time here.

 

When she wakes again, they move.

  


-


	2. two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin wakes up the Doctor of a small seaside town and Jillian winds up a patient in her E.R.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another sweet little happy chapter, some of the others (i.e. the next one) will be a little bit angst-ier but for now, sit back and enjoy the fluff....
> 
> x

-

 

**two.**

doctor au.

 

-

 

The world that follows is soft too, in a way.

 

Here, Erin is a doctor working at a local hospital of some generic insignificant small sized town on the coast.

 

She never married in this world, lost her parents young and dedicated her life to her work. Here, she owns a small but beautiful home by the beach and has lived what is mostly a solitary existence until Jillian Holtzmann walks into her ER one day.

 

It's a relatively quiet Friday afternoon when a nurse comes looking for her assistance with a suturing job.

 

“What happened?” Erin asks taking the binder with the patient's details from the nurse.

 

“I'm not sure yet,” the nurse replies. “Some kind of accident.”

 

She looks down to the patient details and her heart stops.

 

_Holtzmann, Jillian._

 

The date of birth matches too but Erin won't get her hopes up, not yet, because the universe has been cruel like this to her before.

 

She follows the nurse into a cubicle with a single bed where Jillian Holtzmann, _her_ Jillian Holtzmann, is sitting swinging her legs off the edge of it, holding a large wad of gauze over some sort of wound on her forearm.

 

She's looking down at it when Erin walks in but she looks up a second later, and her face splits in a grin.

 

Erin's heart stills again because maybe she remembers here too.

 

“Boy, if I knew your local medical personnel were so damn good looking I would have injured myself days ago,” Holtz says as she watches Erin with a slightly slack jaw.

 

Unquestionably attracted, but no sign of recognition.

 

“I hope you don't talk like that to all your doctors,” Erin says with a grin, trying not to sound disappointed as she hands the chart back to the nurse with a few requests for equipment.

 

“Nah,” Holtz says smiling easily as Erin walks to her side. “Only the really good looking lady ones.”

 

“Is that so,” Erin says with a smile as she holds her hands out gesturing for Jillian's arm. “I'll keep that in mind. Now, what have you done to yourself here?”

 

“Just a scratch,” Holtz says flippantly as she holds tight onto the piece of gauze, and Erin wonders if her distinct and highly ironic dislike for blood has woven its way into her personality here as well.

 

“May I?” Erin takes a soft step forward in question.

 

“I suppose you're going to have to, aren't you?” Holtz says begrudgingly as she takes her hand away and offers her arm to Erin.

 

“I'll be gentle, I promise,” Erin says with a smile as she steps into Jillian's personal space, her thigh bumping the blonde's as she takes Jillian's hand in her own.

 

She peels the gauze back carefully with practised hands because she really has done this almost a hundred times, Jillian always coming to her first for any medical mishaps in their own world. She's relieved to see now a reasonably clean but deep gash along the flat of her forearm, but nothing worse.

 

“What did you say happened?” Erin asks distracted as she inspects the wound gently, looking up to Jillian when she comes to the conclusion that a few stitches will do the trick.

 

“I didn't,” Holtz says as she screws her eyes shut, her nose wrinkling and the little dimple on her cheek _just_ shining through.

 

“Well you don't _have_ to,” Erin says as she thanks the returning nurse before waving her away, putting Holtz’s arm down gently as she turns to put a pair of gloves on. “But it is highly recommended you share as much information with your physician as you can so they can treat you as efficiently as possible.”

 

“Information, huh?” Holtz says, daring to open one eye as Erin preps the sutures. “What, like my phone number? Relationship status?”

 

“Oh no, I have those already,” Erin says casually as she gestures to the form sitting next to Holtz that does indeed have her phone number and what is definitely a mother's name under next of kin. “I was referring to the injury, but your plans for dinner tonight will do too.”

 

She can feel the ripple of surprise pass through Jillian's skin, her face splitting in a pleasantly interested smile.

 

“Well,” Holtz says dramatically as she settles in, as though about to tell Erin some great epic tale. “Considering I moved here yesterday and know no one, nothing. The injury is slightly more embarrassing.”

 

“More embarrassing than not having dinner plans?” Erin asks with a smile. “That's not _that_ embarrassing.”

 

“Shut up,” Holtz says with a smile as Erin takes her hand to lay her arm out flat on the table she's rolled over for them. “Woah, woah, what are you doing with that needle there Doctor Gilbert?”

 

“It's just local anaesthetic,” Erin says gently, moving her hand holding the needle behind her back. “I promise it won't hurt for more than a second and this is going to be a little uncomfortable without it. It must be pretty bad now.”

 

“How about a deal?” Holtz asks as she closes her eyes again. “If I let you use the anaesthetic, you let me take you out for dinner.”

 

“I'm pretty sure I just asked you that same question,” Erin says with a laugh as she runs her thumb over Jillian's arm reassuringly. “But if that's what it takes.”

 

“I know you did but I want to do this the right way,” Holtz says as her eyes open and fall on Erin's hand where it rests on her arm.

 

“Oh,” Erin says realising her mistake in familiarity as she moves to take her hand away. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to….”

 

“No,” Holtz says quickly. “I like….I mean, it's nice.”

 

She shakes her head before looking up to Erin with a smirk.

 

“God that was smooth,” Holtz says with a dumb grin. “I meant to say it's fine. I'm not very good with hospitals, sorry. I do have a bit of game, I promise.”

 

“I think you're doing better than you think,” Erin says with a smile as she gestures to the hand with the needle.

 

“I hope you don't talk to all your patients like this,” Holtz says with a grim nod as she screws her eyes shut again.

 

“Only the really good looking lady ones,” Erin says with a smirk as she gives Jillian's arm a gentle squeeze. “All done. I'll wait a few minutes for that to settle in and then we'll get you all patched up.”

 

Holtz opens her eyes in surprise, looking down at the now covered wound with a smile.

 

“Done?” Holtz asks gesturing to the needle on the tray.

 

“Done,” Erin says as she shuffles the supplies readying the suture needle. “So you moved here yesterday, right? I didn't think I'd seen you around town before. What brings you to the seaside?”

 

“I don't know,” Holtz says honestly as she shrugs her shoulders. “I needed a change so I packed my bags and put my finger on the map, and this is where I ended up. Sound mad?”

 

“Not in the slightest,” Erin says with an easy shake of her head because she knows better, she knows the world has led Jillian to her doorstep because their connection is stronger than life and death itself. “It's beautiful here. I think you'll like it.”

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says a little dreamily as she looks at Erin. “It is. And I think I will.”

 

Erin can't help but smile in response because Holtzmann’s charm is effervescent, even around a grimace of pain, and she damn well knows it.

 

“Hold this here for me?” Erin asks Holtz as she gestures to the gauze pad, hiding her careful ministrations from Jillian's eyeline as she begins to stitch the wound shut. “So what did you do to yourself?”

 

“Where am I taking you for dinner?” Holtz asks cheekily as she looks up to Erin. “I don't know, I'll have to take your recommendation there. Or I could cook for you?”

 

“I'm going to get it out of you one way or another you know,” Erin says with a grin as she ties off the last stitch. “I have a number of other more complex extraction techniques.”

 

“Do tell,” Holtz says with a smile as she wriggles closer to the end of the bed, her knees bumping Erin's again.

 

“Oh, I couldn't do that,” Erin says with a dramatic frown. “What would we talk about at dinner, then?”

 

“I can think of a few things,” Jillian says with a grin as she watches Erin carefully dress the neatly sewn wound. “Nice job, Doctor Gilbert. Ten out of ten.”

 

“Anyone would think I did this for a living,” Erin says with a smile as she stands back slightly, admiring her handiwork.

 

“Well I'd definitely recommend you,” Holtz says with a nod as she lifts her arm tentatively. “Wow, it doesn't even hurt. Thank you….”

 

“Erin,” Erin offers with a smile. “My name is Erin.”

 

“Huh,” Holtz says with a strange look on her face. “I feel like I already knew that. Maybe we met in another life or something?”

 

“Or something,” Erin says with a wry smile before she leans down and scribbles her number and address on a bit of paper from her pocket. “Pick me up at seven? If you still want to, that is. Now you're healed you're under absolutely no obligation to.”

 

“Oh I wouldn't say I was entirely healed,” Holtz says as she takes Erin's number from her hand. “I think it would definitely be wise to have a follow up with my physician. Maybe tomorrow too, just for good measure.”

 

“You're awfully confident, you know that?” Erin says with a grin, and it's hard not to feel a little giddy in spite of the weight at the pit of her stomach and the dread that she knows none of this is fixed. “Are you always like this?”

 

“Never,” Holtz says with a curiously introspective look on her face. “There must be something special about you, Doctor Erin Gilbert.”

 

“Take me out to dinner and find out for yourself,” Erin says as she writes Holtz a quick script for antibiotics and pain medication. “Seven?”

 

“If I can wait that long,” Jillian says with a wink as she takes the prescription and tucks it into her pocket. “See you then, Doc. Thanks again. Try not to set yourself up on too many other dates between now and then, huh?”

 

“I wouldn't dare,” Erin says as she takes a few reluctant steps backwards, holding her hand out for the file of her next patient the nurse is trying to urge into her grip. “I'm all yours.”

 

Jillian gives her one last wide smile before she pulls the curtain back to her next patient, already counting the minutes until the end of her shift.

 

-

 

Jillian arrives at twenty to seven, a ball of slightly nervous energy at Erin's door step with an apologetic look on her face.

 

“I know I'm early,” Holtz says with a guilty smile as she holds a bunch of flowers loosely in the crook of her sore arm. “I'm sorry, I was just….excited. Is that stupid? I'm really not making the best first impression, am I? Also, _wow_.”

 

She's wearing a crisp white shirt buttoned up with tight black jeans tucked into knee high boots, not quite _her_ Jillian but breathtaking regardless, and the blonde seems similarly receptive to her own tight but long sleeved burgundy knee-length dress.

 

“Second impression,” Erin says blushing a little as she tips her head and smiles at the hair long and curled around Holtzmann’s shoulders. “And it's fine, really. I'm feeling a bit the same way myself.”

 

“Yeah?” Holtz asks with a smirk as she looks Erin unashamedly up and down. “Good. We can be awkwardly keen together then.”

 

“I'm almost ready but will you come in?” Erin asks as Holtz holds the flowers out to her. “I'll just put these in some water and then we can go. Daisies are my favourite by the way, how did you know?”

 

“Lucky guess,” Holtz says shrugging as she walks in after Erin, looking around the entranceway. “Hell of a place you've got here, Doctor. You always lived here alone?”

 

“Sure have,” Erin says as she leads them into the kitchen and Holtz follows her over to the bench that looks out to the ocean.

 

“Vase?” Jillian asks as Erin stands back and smiles at the picture of Holtz in her home with her. Finally.

 

“Up there,” Erin says gesturing to the overhead cabinet above her. “I can get it though.”

 

“Don't be silly,” Holtz says as she shakes her head, opening the cupboard and taking the vase out before she fills it with water and gestures for Erin to hand over the flowers.

 

She does a remarkably good job of arranging them before turning to Erin with a curious look on her face.

 

“Do you ever get lonely?” Holtz asks her as she turns one last stem to her liking.

 

“A little,” Erin says with a shrug. “Hard not to, but the village does a remarkably good job of inserting themselves into my love life from time to time.”

 

“Not successfully?” Holtz asks carefully.

 

“Nope,” Erin says shaking her head. “I like my own company too much to settle, I think. In saying that, I had a remarkably good prospect fall across my path today.”

 

“Is that so?” Jillian asks interestedly as she takes a step towards Erin, spinning the flowers into place on the bench between them.

 

“Yeah,” Erin says as she angles her body towards Holtz. “Depends though, she might be a dreadful dinner date and I'll have to rethink the whole thing.”

 

“Oh, she's very aware of the stakes,” Holtz says seriously as she takes a step towards Erin. “Speaking of which, does the bistro on the waterfront down the road sound like it might help said stakes?”

 

“I think that will do nicely,” Erin says, her eyes dropping to Jillian's lips, and she knows she should be more careful but it feels like years since they've kissed and she's just caught the scent of Jillian's perfume and it's like a siren's call, dragging Erin closer.

 

“Shall we?” Jillian asks, her eyes dropping to Erin's lips too, and if they're not careful Erin thinks they might not make it out of the house at all.

 

“Yes,” Erin says, shaking her head heavily as she looks up to Jillian's eyes again, beautifully blue and clear and hopeful.

 

“Let’s.”

 

-

 

Dinner is lovely and Erin tries to savour the memory because it's not often they get to actually _date_ as they pass through space and time, their interactions normally brief or hurried or set by some other schedule, and Erin had forgotten how much fun it is.

 

Because Holtz is truly charming and wonderfully flirtatious and _touchy_ , Erin doesn't know how she'd forgotten that, her hand coming across the table to touch Erin's as she talks animatedly.

 

“So Doctor Erin Gilbert, everything else you've told me about yourself this evening I concede to be truth apart from one thing,” Holtz says as she sips her wine as they wait for dessert.

 

“And what might that be?” Erin asks interested as Holtz watches her with a smile.

 

“The reason for you being single,” Holtz says easily. “Because as far as I can see it you're a damn catch, and I think it's a bit criminal no one has snatched you up.”

 

Erin takes a sip of her wine as she tries to hide her blush but Jillian catches it regardless.

 

“Maybe I've just been waiting for Ms. Right,” Erin says with a shrug as she sits back into her seat.

 

“A proper romantic then, huh?” Holtz says as she eyes Erin suspiciously. “Nope, sorry. I still don't buy it. Try again.”

 

“There was someone very special,” Erin says eventually as she watches Jillian carefully, keeping her tone light. “Someone who set the bar very high.”

 

“Ahhh,” Holtz says understanding. “An ex, then? An amicable ending?”

 

“Not one either of us chose,” Erin says nodding and she knows her next move is dangerous but she's a little giddy with a couple of glasses of wine in her system and Jillian is here, _finally_. “You remind me a lot of her, actually.”

 

“Is that so,” Holtz says with an interested eyebrow. “In a good way?”

 

“The best,” Erin says nodding again, moving slightly when the waiter places their last course down between them.

 

“I can do better,” Holtz says after a moment's thought as she reaches for a fork. “I mean I'm sure she was amazing and treated you like a queen, but I can _definitely_ do better.”

 

“You know what?” Erin says with a cheeky smile as she leans over and accepts the bit of chocolate cake Holtz is extending towards her from her own fork. “I think maybe you can too.”

 

She can feel a speck of icing on the corner of her mouth but she doesn't get it herself, curious to see how Jillian will react.

 

It works perfectly because her eyes don't leave Erin's lips for a second and then just as Erin's about to give up and wipe it herself, Jillian makes her move.

 

As though not of her own accord Jillian leans over the table, bracing her hands on either side. It's small so it's not a stretch but still, it's brave, and Erin watches transfixed as Jillian closes the distance between them.

 

If Erin's honest with herself she's surprised it hasn't happened already, that Jillian hasn't had her on the tabletop in front of a crowd, so it's with a sigh of relief that Erin meets her.

 

The kiss is chaste, gentle even, and it makes Erin's knees weak because she tastes like chocolate and wine and _Jillian, Jillian, Jillian_ too, and if she was standing they would have buckled when the blonde's tongue comes out to catch the last bit of icing on Erin's lip.

 

She pulls away as gently as she'd come in and Erin actually lifts herself out of her seat to chase her, not ready for the kiss to end, her tongue crossing Jillian's bottom lip ever so delicately before they part.

 

“Woah,” Holtz says as she sits back in her seat, her cheeks a little flushed and her eyes glassy, and Erin takes a moment to breathe the expression in because it's always something so special, watching Jillian experience their connection for the first time in each world.

 

“Still with me?” Erin asks with a smile as she picks the fork up and slides another bit of cake into her mouth.

 

“Yes,” Jillian says, her eyes clearing of the fog as she _sees_ Erin. “Always, yes.”

 

“The cake’s good, huh?” Erin says with a wink and Jillian smiles deeply, taking the bait as she reaches over to pluck the fork out of Erin's hand, ignoring the perfectly good spare utensil to the side of their plate.

 

“Exquisite,” Jillian returns, her eyes not moving from Erin's and Erin knows they're not talking about food anymore.

 

The chef comes out and thanks them as they finish the cake because it's a small town and Erin is well known and liked and it's great, a reprieve from their heavy glances across the table, although Jillian takes the opportunity to run her foot up the inside of Erin's bare calf as she rounds her conversation off.

 

“No, thank you,” Erin says, engaging every ounce of her willpower to keep her face neutral as she bids him farewell. “It was delicious, really.”

 

“It's our pleasure,” he says smiling fondly at Erin. “That's a rare woman you've managed to take out, Miss Holtzmann.”

 

“Oh, I'm _well_ aware,” Holtz says as she bites her lip at Erin the second he glances away.

 

“Do you enjoy living dangerously?” Erin asks Jillian with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Is there any other way to live?” Holtz asks with a smirk.

 

“No,” Erin says smiling at her. “I suppose not. Hey, you want to get out of here?”

 

Erin doesn't know how it's possible but Holtz brightens more at Erin's words, like a flare in the middle of the night.

 

“I thought you'd never ask,” Holtz says as she flags the waiter down for their bill, steadfastly refusing Erin's offer to pay for dinner herself.

 

Jillian's hand lingers at Erin's lower back as she holds the door open for her and they step out into the fresh air.

 

They walk back to Erin's place because it's not far and the evening is beautiful and still, the fresh air like an elixir on her heated skin.

 

They walk close, enough for their hands to brush together, their fingers occasionally locking together as they make their way home to Erin's place.

 

When they arrive at Erin's front door they're both suddenly shy, eyes nervously glancing at the wooden boards beneath their feat as both of them hold their silence.

 

Erin knows Holtz wants to say something because she's biting her lip and balling her fingers into her palm and Erin's seen her repeat that movement a million times in a million places now, more than enough to know with an intimate confidence what it means.

 

“So,” Erin says, playing coy as she leans against the post of her porch.

 

“So,” Holtz says, scuffing her toe into the ground as she takes her lip between her teeth again and tries to reconcile what Erin knows is an almost desperate need to push Erin up against that front door against what she perceives to be Erin's virtue. And Erin could put her out of her misery and help because none of that matters with them because they've danced this waltz a thousand times before, but it's a little more fun this way, making her _work_ for it.

 

“I had a really nice evening,” Holtz says finally, looking up to Erin.

 

And she means to hold back, to let Jillian make the first move really she does but she can't help it, her heart reaching for its other half and driving Erin's hands first.

 

“So did I,” Erin says rolling her body off the post towards Holtz, her fingers finding the buttons of Holtz’s shirt.

 

“I know this is a little forward,” Holtz says as her hand finds Erin's hip and rests ever so gently on the curve. “But I've been told I make an excellent hot cocoa.”

 

“Oh good,” Erin says casually as she turns out of Jillian's arms to unlock the door and walk inside a step. “I love breakfast in bed.”

 

And just like that it snaps, the self-control Jillian's been balling in her palms all evening, she takes a step after Erin and they _dance_.

 

Erin turns as she walks through the front door, her hand on Jillian's shirt tugging them together and Holtz leads, moving into Erin's body.

 

She doesn't waste any time, quick in the way she pushes Erin up against her front door and it's effortless and smooth and all in the space of a few heartbeats, and Erin's breath feels like it's somewhere on the floor when her hands settle around Holtz’s biceps because _god_ she's missed the feel of Jillian beneath her fingers.

 

“I don't do this you know,” Holtz says as she slides between Erin's thighs against the inside of the front door.

 

“What?” Erin says as she slides a hand into Jillian's hair. “Take girls home on the first date?”

 

“Second,” Holtz corrects as she leans in, kissing Erin until she sees stars.

 

“Second?” Erin asks confused when they break.

 

“Today at the hospital,” Holtz says as though it's common knowledge. “That was one. Tonight is two.”

 

“That was a date?” Erin says with a laugh, amused as she pulls back a little.

 

“That was my best game,” Holtz says with a sigh of mock-offence. “Hard to impress you are, huh?”

 

“Yes,” Erin says as she bumps their noses together, ghosting her lips over Jillian's. “I am actually.”

 

“I'll take that as a compliment,” Holtz says as she gives in to Erin's playful teasing, nipping at Erin's bottom lip.

 

They kiss long and slow and Erin feels a heavy throb between her thighs around Jillian's leg as it deepens and they inhale and exhale against each other.

 

“Wait,” Holtz says as she pulls away a little. “I'm doing this all wrong.”

 

“You're really not,” Erin says tugging her back in close but Holtz stills them both. “Unless you're talking about your arm in which case you probably shouldn't, but I do happen to know a reasonably good physician.”

 

“No, I don't….this isn't a one night thing for me,” Holtz says as she shakes her head. “I mean, I definitely want this but not if it makes you think that's all I want. Because it's really not.”

 

“I know,” Erin says smiling as she understands. “Me too, I want more I mean. And we could stop, but considering we're both on the same page….”

 

She can see Holtz weighing up that damn honour in her head again, holding it up to what she thinks she should do and what she wants but she takes one look at Erin, her hair messy and cheeks pink and she breaks. For the better.

 

She growls when she leans back in to kiss Erin, the rumble running through Erin's chest as her arms slip around Jillian's shoulders, and fuck her if it doesn't make her knees feel weak.

 

Holtz is quick, reading her body with the ease of someone who's spent centuries studying one piece of art and she bends down, collecting Erin and wrapping her legs around her waist before leaning against the door heavily.

 

“Where?” Holtz asks breathless as her lips find Erin's neck, and Erin's surprised she actually has the voice to reply.

 

“Upstairs,” she says with a gasp as Jillian's hands palm her ass through her dress and her teeth pull at Erin's pulse.

 

Holtz pulls back slightly so she can look Erin in the eye and her smile warms Erin's soul.

 

“Upstairs?” Holtz asks again, searching for assurance one last time and Erin crashes their lips together in answer, sliding her tongue into the blonde's mouth that has her pulling away with a gasp this time.

 

“Upstairs,” Erin says nodding as her fingers start on the buttons of Jillian's shirt. “ _Please_.”

 

-

 

Jillian in this world is a thorough lover, giving Erin as much pleasure as she can take before she can't take any more, her body shaky and her heart sated.

 

Jillian in this world is a giver, not a taker (not that she ever is in any world, but still). Erin knows this because when she pushes the blonde down on her back and straddles her thighs, her whole body fires beneath Erin's touch.

 

“You don't have to,” Holtz says, watching Erin kiss her way down her stomach with heavy heavy eyes.

 

“But I _really_ want to,” Erin says with a smirk, her own cheeks flushing in response to the want across Jillian's. “You didn't think I'd let you have all the fun?”

 

-

 

Jillian in this world is quiet at first, almost shy, but by the morning she is loud and it feels like the dawn will swallow them, so Erin _can't stop touching_.

 

-

 

Erin is sitting up in bed, cocoa on her lips and Jillian's mouth between her thighs when they shift.

 

When she opens her eyes to a cold and empty bed she can still taste the chocolate on her tongue.

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed todays trip into au-land! See you in a few days for the next adventure. 
> 
> Don't forget to pop by and say hi on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com) if you'd like, too!
> 
> x


	3. three.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin wakes as the daughter of a crime lord, Jillian the only child of their greatest enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a little bit of violence (it's not explicit in any way but it is mentioned) so if that's in any way an issue for you, please steer clear.
> 
> If you're ok with that and ready for a romeo and juliet holtzbert au, then read on my friends....
> 
> x

-

  
  


**three.**

romeo and juliet au. 

  
  


-

  
  


Once Erin wakes up in the middle of a civil war. 

 

The entire country appears locked in conflict with itself, family against family, and Erin is at the crux of it all. 

 

She inherits the mantle of responsibility when her father is killed on her thirtieth birthday and assumes his role as one side of this war. 

 

It is different here, harder, but the unconscious Erin knows no different because they've been fighting her entire life. 

 

Here bloodshed is an inevitability. 

 

She killed her first man at sixteen in first hand combat at her coming of age ceremony, a knife dropped at her feet by her mother as they dragged a bound man across the hall, face bruised and lip curled with hatred. 

 

Her mother had given her the instruction. 

 

_ He is a traitor Erin. You must learn what our family does with traitors. _

 

Her father had walked over and cut the man's bonds before stepping back, giving his daughter in a ball gown the floor. 

 

He had moved fast but she was faster, picking up the knife easily before tearing a line up the side of her dress, giving her room to move before she had rushed him. 

 

It had been a bloody fight, he had her on everything but skill. Size, anger, strength. But Erin was quick and lethal. She had dropped the spent knife at her mother's feet as she wiped at her split lip when it was done, and the room had broken out in applause when her father held her hand up in victory.  

 

She refuses to harm women though, had held a knife to her father's throat when she was eighteen and sworn she would never, under any circumstances, and her father had softened at the realisation. 

 

Because here there is no shame in loving someone the same as you, here women are as powerful and brutal as men and their beauty is celebrated by all, her father proud of her inclination towards them. 

 

He had organised a date with a young woman from a respectable family to pay her a visit the next day and Erin would have fallen immediately if she didn't already know what Jillian tasted like by the ocean. 

 

An only child, Erin had been trained in strategy and politics and the intricacies of war at her father's side and had stepped in flawlessly upon his death, a long plan finally come to fruition by their greatest enemies. 

 

It's simple in the end, a knife hidden in the lining of a woman's clutch at Erin's thirtieth birthday celebration, carved from ivory so as to slip through the metal detectors at the door. 

 

She is dancing with her father when she feels him still in her arms, her hands coming away warm from his back before he falls at her feet. 

 

His guards catch the woman but she doesn't care, she has done her duty and faces the cold touch of Erin's second knife with a steady hand and rage in her eyes in the middle of the party. 

 

She takes the rulers seat at his funeral in the middle of the front row, holds her mother's grieving hand while her father's men and women,  _ her _ men and women had pay their respects, all the while planning their next move, a swift and solid strike of retribution. 

 

The funeral is fine, almost everyone in attendance armed to the teeth and it runs smoothly until Erin catches sight of someone in the distance behind one of the old mausoleums. 

 

It's quick, just a flash of blonde hair but it's  _ enough _ . 

 

Enough that Erin knows she's found her. 

 

The appearance is troubling though and Erin realises with a sinking heart what this universe has presented them with. 

 

Forbidden love. 

 

Of the highest order. 

 

Because with the blonde hair she'd seen a flash of red and there's only one family who dares to wear red in this town. 

 

Erin had woken with the knowledge that they'd had a daughter, estranged but brought back into the fold but she never thought the universe would be so cruel. 

 

She puts it in the back of her mind for a small moment though because she has her role to play here, diligent queen of rubble and glass. 

 

Tomorrow she will decide. 

  
  


-

  
  


In the end she decides to call a parley and in front of her generals she proposes something that no one has thought to do in many years of fighting. 

 

A marriage. 

 

“You can't be serious,” one of them sneers. “You want to marry one of them? They'll kill you in your bed ma'am.”

 

“I'd like to see them try,” Erin says as she picks at her nail with the knife in her hands. 

 

“True,” the woman says hesitantly. “But still. Why. What have they done to deserve mercy like this? They killed your father.”

 

“Do you think I have forgotten?” Erin says coldly, the chill of authority coming seamlessly to her here as she stands slowly. “My father's blood still warms my hands.”

 

“You're right,” the woman says quickly as she bows her head. “I misspoke. I apologise.”

 

“Do not misspeak again,” Erin warns. “Or you will leave this table short a hand. Do not mistake my actions for mercy. You forget what it will mean if we have one of their dearest in my bed.”

 

“A hostage,” the man to her right says nodding in understanding, a smile on his lips. 

 

“Yes,” Erin says carefully. “Should we need it.”

 

It's ridiculous of course, because she would never in a million worlds do anything to compromise Jillian's safety but the few assembled before her don't need to know that. 

 

With any luck they will see the move for the power play they perceive and not the careful plan it is, but none of it matters. Not really. The only thing that does is having Jillian by her side. 

 

“Send an envoy by the evening,” Erin says as she stands, slamming the knife tip down into the wooden table. “My regards by the blade of my best knife.”

  
  


-

  
  


The envoy had come back with good news, much better than Erin had been expecting, requesting an audience with Erin and her mother the following evening. 

 

She can tell Jillian doesn't remember, which is almost a blow because it would have made this so much easier, but she falls in love with Erin the moment their eyes meet regardless. 

 

She's dressed in a fitted tux, her dress pants tight and the tails of her jacket long, jet black and contrasting perfectly with the pure white of her shirt. 

 

It matches almost perfectly with the ink of Erin's own ball gown, the finest silk sliding over her thighs as she walks down the grand staircase to greet their guests. 

 

She arrives on her father's arm and Erin on her mother's, their parents leading them to the ends of the table before they are seated, Erin the last. 

 

“Thank you for coming,” Erin says raising her glass to Jillian's father, her eyes never moving from the blonde. 

 

“The pleasure is mine, Miss Gilbert,” the old man says carefully. “I'm sorry to hear of your father's death.”

 

It's a crack, and she almost has the knife strapped to her leg beneath her dress out in an instant but her mother's hand tightens on her hand not holding a glass, and steadies her. 

 

“He was a great man,” Erin says by way of response, gritting her teeth. 

 

“He was a bloody man,” Jillian's father replies. “Great, yes but a source of constant conflict also.”

 

“If you've come to insult my late husband, I'll have the servants escort you out now,” Erin's mother says coldly beside her. 

 

“On the contrary,” he says in an attempt to placate them. “I saw his death as a great opportunity ma'am, but not for the reason you have to mind.”

 

Erin's listening yes, but her eyes haven't moved from the blonde’s and nor have hers from Erin's. 

 

She looks so close to  _ her _ Jillian here, the prime one, beyond the small scar that runs across her cheekbone and another that crosses the knuckles of her right hand. 

 

“What opportunity would that be?” Erin asks a little coldly, her eyes moving to address the man with the full force of her gaze. 

 

“I am an old man Miss Gilbert,” he says and Erin can hear the fatigue in his voice. “I tired of fighting years ago. I want peace.”

 

“And how do you think you'll find that now?” Erin says evenly preparing herself for the power play that will inevitably follow. 

 

He doesn't say anything immediately, taking a long sip of his wine before looking to Erin with a smile. 

 

“Marriage,” he says easily, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

 

“To whom?” Erin's mother asks icily. “Between whom?”

 

“Oh heavens not me,” he says with a laugh. “God, I might be a tyrant but I'd never doom a young woman to a life such as that. No, I was thinking something much more  _ palatable _ .”

 

“Your daughter?” Erin's mother asks curiously. “You are aware we have no sons, sir.”

 

“Forgive me for being so forward but word does travel,” he says delicately. “I heard your tastes were more  _ refined _ , Miss Gilbert. As are Jillian's.”

 

“Well,” Erin's mother says with a half-grin as she takes his offer in. “That certainly is an interesting proposal. Erin, what do you think? Do you wish the week to deliberate on it?”

 

It all falls into place in Erin's head then, the possibility that her father's death had been a play for peace after all and not a carefully orchestrated move on the chess board. 

 

Erin has always been exceptional at spotting a liar here, constantly looking for the fine nuances in body language that give away a betrayal, and she sees none of that here. 

 

Just the bone tiredness of a man who has been at war his whole life. 

 

“No,” Erin says easily.

 

“No?” Her mother asks carefully. 

 

“I don't need time to think anything over,” Erin says with a smile, still not giving an ounce away. 

 

She looks back at Jillian then, her face breaking into a smile as she watches the blonde trying to read her. 

 

“I accept,” Erin says easily. “If Miss Holtzmann is so amenable.”

 

“My dear,” the old man says with a smile in his voice. “It was her idea.”

  
  


-

  
  


“Darling,” Erin's mother says after dinner is done. “Perhaps your betrothed would like a tour of the garden.”

 

_ Subtle, mother _ . Erin thinks with a smile. 

 

Subtle but not unwanted, she thinks as she watches Jillian lift up at the prospect of spending a few minutes unchaperoned. 

 

“Of course,” Erin says with a grin as she stands and Jillian follows. “If you'd like?” 

 

“Absolutely,” Jillian says with a smile as she extends her arm to Erin. “You'll lead the way.”

 

“This must seem very odd to you,” Erin says as they walk outside and make their way across the patio. 

 

“What? Being offered the hand of the most beautiful woman in the city?” Jillian says with a snort. “Practically routine.”

 

“No, I mean….” Erin says shaking her head as she attempts to explain before Jillian interrupts gently.

 

“I know what you mean,” Jillian says softening as she touches Erin's arm. “A little, but it could be worse. What about you? This can't be what you had planned?”

 

“I don't think I ever had anything planned,” Erin says honestly. “I always assumed I would do whatever my father dictated.”

 

“That's no way to live,” Jillian says a little sadly. 

 

“It's our way though, no?” Erin asks. “Isn't that why you ran away?”

 

“I suppose so,” Jillian says shrugging. 

 

“Was it worth it?” Erin asks as they stop. She shivers a little against the cold of the evening and Jillian shrugs off her jacket before draping it over Erin's shoulders. 

 

“Yes,” Holtz says slowly, looking at Erin's face as though it had stopped the spin of the world. “I learned to live.”

 

“What was that like?” Erin asks whisper soft as Jillian traces the line of Erin's jaw with her thumb. 

 

“Incredible,” Jillian says as she  _ leans in _ . 

 

“I'll show you.”

  
  


-

  
  


They marry a month later on the altar of the grandest church in town, and in one fell swoop Erin does something her father could never. 

 

She finds  _ peace _ . 

 

Sometimes the worlds are hard but sometimes it's worth it because Erin feels like they are better for their joint presence, and this is one of them. 

 

It is their third wedding by Erin's count in their travelling thus far, but it will not be their last. 

 

It will be their grandest though, grander even than the ceremony that binds their bones to the earth in a land where they rule a civilisation built on dirt and magic and a jungle that is more alive than any person Erin has ever met. 

 

Erin's mother gives her away at the end of the aisle and Jillian threads their fingers together with an ease that extends far beyond this world, and then they marry. 

 

Jillian is wearing a tux, not unlike but finer than the one she had first met her in here that has Erin's mouth watering, the sentiment seemingly reciprocated by Jillian when she looks Erin up and down. 

 

“Too much?” Erin asks gesturing down to the dress her mother had picked out for her. 

 

“No,” Jillian says as she presses her lips to Erin's knuckles. “You look magnificent.”

 

The priest says the words and they echo them back and Jillian's hands shake a little as she slides Erin's ring onto her finger, and it's so human and the softness is so  _ her _ Jillian she almost falters before Jillian's gaze catches her. 

 

They have kissed here but nothing else, Jillian playing gentlewoman to the extreme so Erin finds herself burning a little as they sit at the high table at the reception as old enemies lay their weapons at Erin's feet. 

 

“I think my father would have killed me for this, you know?” Erin says as she fingers the diamonds round her neck, not  _ their _ diamond but beautiful still, a family heirloom here. 

 

It throws the soft light of the room into the square diamond at her finger, a gift from Jillian the week after their engagement. 

 

“What?” Jillian asks as her eyes follow the curve of Erin's neck and onto her fingers. 

 

“Peace,” Erin says simply. 

 

“I'm sorry for his death,” Jillian says carefully. “I'm sorry if it caused you pain but I won't ever wish it undone. Not if it gave me this. Us, this.”

 

“Nor do I,” Erin says easily threading her fingers through Jillian's where they rest on the table.

 

“I would have killed him myself you know, if he'd ever harmed you while I was there,” Jillian says as she takes a sip.  

 

“You would?” Erin asks curiously, because she can't imagine any version of Jillian doing anything like that. 

 

“In a heartbeat,” Jillian says with a quiet fierceness as she looks up from their hands. “I'm not a bloody woman Erin, but I'll die before I let anyone harm you if this truce fails.”

 

“As would I,” Erin says with a smile. “As would I.”

 

The rest of the evening passes in a luxe blur, people pressing gifts and weapons and well-wishes into her hands so her nerves catch her by surprise when it's time for them to leave to their accommodation for the evening. 

 

“Where are we going?” Erin asks quietly as Jillian walks them both out of the reception towards their waiting driver. 

 

“You'll see,” Jillian says with a smile. “Your mother sent your men ahead, it's safe I promise.”

 

“I trust you,” Erin says because  _ god _ , she does. 

 

They drive for an hour, sitting closer in the car that space need dictate, their fingers shyly playing with their new rings before they finally arrive at a breathtaking cabin at the edge of the lake. 

 

It's all glass and green and white lanterns that glow soft in the moonlight, and it takes Erin a moment to take it all in. 

 

“You like?” Jillian asks nervously. 

 

“I  _ love _ ,” Erin says easily. “Shall we?”

 

They walk up to the door, armed men on either side, and Jillian sweeps Erin up in her arms with a rush of breath to carry her across the threshold. 

 

The guards smile, the same ones Erin has had at her side her entire life and she can't help but let her mask fall for a second, smiling in return. 

 

Jillian doesn't stop at the door, carrying Erin past the kitchen and dining area before she halts at the bottom of the stairs. 

 

“May I?” Jillian asks, her voice catching on the last syllable. 

 

“Yes,” Erin breathes. “Please.”

 

The bedroom is beautiful, dimmed but for a few small lights that give the room just enough to warrant leaving everything else off. Their room overlooks the lake and Erin takes Jillian's hand when she's set lightly on her feet to walk over and look over the water. 

 

“I thought you'd like to get away from the city,” Jillian says standing behind Erin, her hands light on Erin's hips. 

 

“It's beautiful,” Erin says and it is, it's the first time they've been properly alone for what feels like years and Erin feels her soul relax at the realisation. 

 

“You're beautiful,” Jillian says, dropping her lips to Erin's shoulder and she shivers in response. 

 

Jillian backs away carefully, conscious of the reaction but Erin spins, stopping her. 

 

“No,” Erin says quickly. “That was a good shiver. A very good shiver.”

 

“You're sure?” Jillian says slowly. “Because I don't expect anything from you, Erin. I mean I thought maybe we were on the same wavelength but if we're not, this can just be a business arrangement.”

 

“Are you serious?” Erin says a little amused. “You think I don't want this?”

 

“You do?” Jillian asks quietly. 

 

_ Hopefully _ . 

 

“Yes,” Erin says easily, nodding as she slides her hands up the outside of Jillian's arms before they splay out over the blonde's chest and settle around her tie. 

 

She closes the gap and kisses Jillian with every ounce of love she has in her body. This one, and all that came before as well as every one to come. 

 

Every syllable, every heartbeat, every arc of electricity in the hopes that some small semblance of the magnitude of her feelings  _ resonates _ within Jillian's dormant memory. 

 

When she backs away Jillian looks flushed and her eyes are black, and she looks at Erin like maybe a part of her can see through the veil. 

 

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” Jillian asks her after a moment, smiling as Erin's hands loosen her tie around her neck. 

 

“Yes,” Erin says without hesitation. “I do. Do you?”

 

“I think I do now,” Jillian says as she smiles and leads Erin backwards to the bed. 

  
  


-

  
  
  


The Jillian in this world is a soft lover. 

 

She's firm, confident in the way she presses Erin into the mattress but everything about her is beautifully,  _ effortlessly _ soft. 

 

She leads, whether by some woven thread from her original consciousness or perhaps by the fact that this Jillian just enjoys it so. Regardless, Erin is perfectly content to lie back and let it roll over her skin. 

 

Her dress falls to the floor like battle armour and Jillian runs her hands over the scars that litter Erin's body in this world. 

 

Knife wounds and scratches and dents from broken bones, and with every kiss she  _ heals _ . 

 

It's possibly the only world where Erin's scars out-do her own and a part of Jillian seems to pick up on the significance of this and Erin's hesitation of them, because she doesn't say anything but the kisses become protective and she smoothes over them with her teeth and nails, reclaiming Erin's body. 

 

Jillian is halfway down Erin's stomach, one hand on her still bra-clad breast as the other slides over smooth skin to pause on black lace lower down when she stops, her blonde hair spread out over Erin's middle. 

 

“What's this from?” Jillian asks, her fingers moving over a massive knotted scar about four inches long running from beneath her bottom rib. 

 

“My brother,” Erin says neutrally, the response slightly robotic and carefully practiced. 

 

“I didn't know you had a brother,” Jillian says quietly. 

 

“I don't,” Erin says simply, and she feels a tear roll across her abdomen before Jillian catches it again with her lips. 

 

“I'm sorry,” Jillian says as she draws away. “I didn't mean to….”

 

“It's ok,” Erin assures her. “I want to tell you everything. I will tell you everything, one day.”

 

( _One day, one day, one day._ _When we are home in my bed that will be our bed with white sheets and not pink, Erin thinks as her heart heaves a cry for what it has lost and_ ** _how far_** _it has still to go._ )

 

“You do?” Jillian asks and the dawn of possibility and limitlessness blooms between them as the universe before them  _ yawns  _ in a depth that terrifies Erin. 

 

“Yes,” Erin says as she pulls Jillian to her again, sliding her arms around her shoulders and wrapping her legs around Jillian's waist until they fit together perfectly. 

 

“I'll tell you everything,” Erin says between kisses and god, how deliciously Jillian's body responds to her own. “Everything.”

 

“Everything,” Jillian smiles against her throat as she pushes Erin back down again and Erin's body curves to meet her. 

 

“ _ Everything _ ,” Erin says as Jillian's teeth drag the lace from her legs, and everything else disappears. 

  
  


-

  
  


Jillian in this world is an exquisite lover, as she is in many others, but here she makes Erin cry. 

 

Because she takes Erin apart piece by piece and it feels like so much more here, because she feels broken in this world. Like she's been reassembled one too many times and it shows on her body now where it never has before. 

 

So Erin cries. She cries for her scars and  _ their _ scars and for safety and love and the unknown that bares its teeth to Erin in the dark. 

 

She cries because one minute the opaque black is there and the next Jillian is the sun, and it's all it takes. It's all it ever takes but sometimes it's  _ so hard to find. _

 

She cries here because the last world was hard and this has been painful and she just wants a soft pause with her love in the dawn. 

 

And beautifully,  _ breathtaking _ , Jillian gives that to her in the morning when her heart is screaming for it. 

 

When Jillian finally slides inside her she's surprised her back doesn't snap because the arch is so strong it pulls Jillian deeper into her. 

 

She pauses when Erin cries, kissing platitudes and love stories to her skin as Erin urges her on, understanding without words that Erin needs this more than air and food and water. 

 

Jillian is her solace. Her oasis. Her spark in a year of darkness and she gives Erin everything she has to try and make her whole again with her lips and hands and fingers. 

 

They make love all night and it wipes Erin's mind of  _ everything _ while they are touching but she wakes and Jillian isn't there and Erin panics. 

 

She panics because this world is dangerous and Jillian could be dead or missing, or maybe something went wrong and she doesn't want Erin here.

 

But then she walks in wearing a navy blue silk robe loosely tied that reveals the tiniest swell of breast and one of the love bites Erin had spread across her body, with a tray of coffee and what look like strawberries and cream and pastry, and Erin falls back into the plush linen with a sigh. 

 

“Good morning,” Jillian says a little shyly as she hovers at the end of the bed, her hair falling across her face. 

 

“Hi,” Erin says a little shyly in response as she pulls the soft sheet up around herself. 

 

Jillian doesn't move straightaway, almost looking for some sort of affirmation from Erin that this is ok, this wasn't just some sort of wonderful dream, so Erin smiles and softens. 

 

“You're very far away, you know,” Erin says as she smoothes the bed beside her. “I don't know how you're going to feed me strawberries from all the way over there.”

 

Just like that Jillian softens too, any hesitation moving off her shoulders like ash as she closes the distance between them. 

 

She sets the tray carefully between them and Erin reaches for her almost immediately, threading into the hair at the base of Jillian's neck and pulling them together. 

 

“Much better,” Erin says a little breathily when they part, pulling her lip between her teeth. 

 

“Much,” Jillian says agreeing as the runs her fingers along the teeth marks on Erin's bare shoulder. “You're ok?” 

 

“Yes,” Erin says deeply. Easily. “You?”

 

“I think this is the happiest I've ever been in my life,” Jillian says honestly. “So, yes.”

 

Just wait, Erin wants to say. Just wait until you're in a world with this but no pain. Or suffering. Just us and the sun. 

 

But she can't say that so she smiles instead. 

 

“Me too,” Erin says and it's not a lie. Not really. Because they exist outside of this world, yes, but there's also only this for now. 

 

“You  _ know… _ .” Jillian says as she swipes a bit of cream onto the tip of her finger before painting it across Erin's bottom lip. 

 

Erin swipes her tongue out to catch it as Jillian moves in at the same time, and they both moan as they take the cream into their mouths. 

 

“I've heard of a few good things to do with strawberries and cream.”

 

“Show me,” Erin says as she licks her lips. 

 

And Jillian does. 

  
  


-

  
  


They have three days of peace. 

 

Three days of kisses and bare skin and sunsets across the water before they shift. 

 

Erin's in the shower, looking out across the water through the window that wraps around the bathroom while Jillian talks to her from her position wrapped up in their bed, debating the merits of ignoring Erin's duties for another few days when she sees something flash across the other side of the lake. 

 

She closes her eyes quickly, only for a second or so, but when she opens them the world is gone. 

  
  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weelllll?
> 
> Love? Hate? Intrigued? Miss this? [Tumblr?](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com)
> 
> x


	4. four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Jillian wake up in a farmhouse in the mid-west in a world where Jillian _remembers_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> I hope you've all had a brilliant weekend where ever you are in the world. 
> 
> This is a pretty special chapter because it's one of the few worlds where Holtz remembers and it kind of changes the tone of things entirely. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm particularly fond of this one. It's _soft_. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy xx

-

  
  


**four.**

farmhouse au. 

  
  


-

  
  


The next world is kind. 

 

Erin closes her eyes in the dark of a marble lined bathroom and opens them to light. 

 

The first thing she registers is a warm puff of breath at her shoulder and she relaxes into it, knowing at once that it is Jillian's. 

 

Something about this world feels different,  _ thicker _ , and Erin knows at once that here, when Jillian wakes, she will remember. 

 

She hazards a glance around the room, not recognising it as a place known to her before now although she can see golden grass outside from their position on an upper floor and thinks they must be on a farm of some description. 

 

But that doesn't matter yet. 

 

Because for now their bedroom is bathed in morning light and she knows she is safe for awhile at least, so she closes her eyes and sleeps. 

  
  


-

  
  


She opens them to crystal blue and a blinding smile and she half-laughs and half-cries as Jillian rolls over and slides between her legs and hugs her. 

 

“I remember,” she says into the tangle of Erin's hair. 

 

“I thought so,” Erin says with a huge matching grin, not that Holtz can see it buried in her neck as she is. “It felt different here.”

 

They stay that way for a while, Erin breathing in the warm comforting weight of Jillian on top of her as they both take in as much from the contact as they can. 

 

“I'm sorry,” Jillian muffles into her neck some long minutes later. “I'm so sorry Erin. I'm sorry I don't remember every time.”

 

“It doesn't matter,” Erin says as she shakes her head in the crook of Jillian's neck. “Sometimes is enough. This is enough.”

 

“Please don't give up,” Holtz says next and the sob is half-smothered but Erin catches it anyway. “Please don't give up Erin, we'll find a way home I promise.”

 

“I know,” Erin says soothingly, her lips whispering against Jillian's neck. “And I won't. I can't, not when I have you.”

 

Holtz finally pulls back then, catching Erin's eye with a flutter, a question, before Erin smiles and Holtz leans in and kisses her. 

 

It's soft and sweet like the light around them and it tastes like home, and when Erin doesn't stop Jillian doesn't either. 

 

They've made love before, the first years ago to Erin's recall now, and often but not in every world. 

 

Sometimes because they don't have time or they can't find a safe place, and sometimes because it's desperate and quick and they  _ fuck _ instead, but here it is gentle and slow and it takes Erin's breath away. 

 

Holtz is gentle, kissing over the scars from the last world now invisible to anybody but them and Erin sinks into a soft bed and a softer touch and gives herself completely as she locks the rest of the world out of her head. 

 

They pause for breath some immeasurable amount of time later and explore the house, wrapped in sheets and silence, Jillian's hand solid between her fingers. 

 

“Do you think there's anyone else here?” Erin asks as an afterthought as they walk into the kitchen. 

 

“Hope not,” Holtz says with an easy smile, as she leads Erin to a seat at the island in the middle. “They're going to get a hell of a fright if there is.” 

 

Erin just smiles as Holtz walks over to flick the kettle on, her muscle memory of the house coming to her fingertips easily. 

 

“I think we're alone here,” Holtz says as she brings Erin's coffee over to her. “I think someone comes to tend the horses, but we're the only ones that live here.”

 

“Horses,” Erin says, the latent memory firing in her brain. “Have you ever ridden before?” 

 

“Only here,” Holtz says as she blows the steam off her coffee gently. “But I actually think you're better than me.”

 

“Want to test that theory out?” Erin says lighting up at the thought of wind and fresh air and a rush. 

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says a little playfully. “I do.”

 

They finish their coffee and change and Erin can feel Jillian's eyes on the tight fabric covering her legs as they walk out onto the porch. 

 

The house itself is beautiful, an immaculate old plantation estate by the looks, with miles and miles of golden fields one way and a line of trees to the other. 

 

The porch winds its way around the white wooden board of the house and they walk hand in hand towards the paddock where two stunning mares are waiting for them. 

 

They walk to the fence to meet them, the huge dunn bumping Erin's head with its nose as the white heads to Holtz. 

 

They saddle and Erin swings up as easy as if she had done this every day of her life because here, she has, before she takes off at a gallop. 

 

Jillian's horse is quicker, catching them easily before outstripping their pace and taking off, running circles as Erin closes her eyes and breathes. 

 

They ride until the horses tire and head back to water them before collapsing in armchairs on the front porch in the late afternoon sun. 

 

“I'm starving,” Holtz says pushing herself up out of the chair, clapping dust off her pants. “Something to eat?”

 

“And drink please,” Erin says with a smile. “Do you want a hand?” 

 

“Nope,” Holtz says with an easy smile. “Stay where you are.”

 

Erin tips her head to the side, watching the light set her blonde hair aglow as she walks inside. 

 

It's easy to get lost in the beauty of this place Erin thinks as she watches the sun lower itself down across the sky, setting the hay alight in a mock flame, and it takes Holtz putting the tray between them for Erin's attention to shift. 

 

“Thank you,” Erin says gratefully as Holtz presses a cold glass of lemonade into her hand before she takes a big sip. 

 

“My pleasure,” Holtz says around half a sandwich as she looks out onto the field. “God, this place is incredible.”

 

“I know,” Erin says nodding. “I could almost stay here. Couldn't you?” 

 

“Yes,” Holtz says easily, taking Erin's hand in her own as they look out together. “How long do you think we'll have?” 

 

“Not long enough,” Erin says mournfully as she squeezes Jillian's hand and takes another sip of her drink, licking her lips to catch the sugary aftertaste before she takes the other half of the sandwich. 

 

“Do you think there's any rationale to the shifts?” Holtz asks her, and Erin feels her skin cool despite the heat of the afternoon. “Have you noticed a pattern?”

 

“No,” Erin says sadly because she hasn't. None of it makes any sense at all, it's pure chaos in its simplest form. 

 

“The others will be looking Er,” Holtz says as she runs her thumb over Erin's knuckles before bringing them to her lips. “They'll be doing everything they can to find a way to bring us back.”

 

“I know,” Erin says but it's hard to keep the melancholy out of her voice, try as desperately as she might, and Jillian catches it in the strain of her last syllable. 

 

“I'm sorry, Erin,” Jillian says again, turning properly to face her as her eyes line with tears. “I'm  _ so fucking sorry _ . Tell me what I can do. Tell me what would help because I'll do anything.”

 

“Just make me forget,” Erin says after a while, her thumb moving across the line of her chin. “For a little while, if you can? Make me forget.”

 

Holtz leans in then because this has always been the only way they've ever found to shut the world out entirely, by reducing the universe to the space around their own atoms and nothing else. 

 

Jillian kisses her and she tastes like butter and sugar and  **hope** and Erin cries as Jillian's hands thread into her hair. 

 

“I love you,” Holtz says when they break a few minutes later, biting her lip as she tastes the last piece of Erin on her tongue. 

 

“I love you too,” Erin says as Holtz catches the tear on the end of her nose. 

 

“Are you sure?” Holtz says with a smile that changes the line of her body from serious to dangerous in a second. 

 

“What do you….?” Erin asks but she only gets half the sentence out because in the next second Holtz picks the water jug up next to them on the table and up-ends it over Erin's head. 

 

She looks at Holtz, her face blank with shock as the water makes its way down her back beneath her shirt and she'd be madder if it wasn't such a reprieve from the heat, but it's not enough that she's not  _ not _ pissed off a little. 

 

“What the hell do….” Erin says aghast as Jillian shoots up and out of her chair, away from Erin's reach. 

 

“I'm making you forget,” Holtz says with a brilliant grin as she takes off down the stairs of the porch and into the paddock. “Come get me, if you can catch me that is.”

 

It's ridiculous and a damn dangerous move because Erin's mood could have easily gone either way, but Erin's smiling from ear to ear now so the only logical thing to do is follow her. 

 

She stands up and the water collected in her lap falls to the wood beneath her feet with a wet splat, and Holtz laughs from her position about twenty feet away. 

 

“You're done for,” Erin says as she straightens fully, taking a few steps towards the blonde before she takes off into the late afternoon sun. 

 

She catches Jillian easily because she's not really trying very hard to get away, collecting her around the waist as they fall to the ground in a soft heap of limbs. 

 

“Gross. You're wet,” Holtz says with a frown as Erin's damp clothes press down on her from below. 

 

“How deductive of you,” Erin says with a smile as she squeezes the water of her hair over Jillian's collarbones where they peak through the top of her unbuttoned shirt. 

 

“Ugh….Erin, no,” Holtz says as she tries unsuccessfully to work her way out of Erin's hold. 

 

“Your own damn fault,” Erin says with a smile as she pins Jillian's wrists above her head. 

 

“Guilty as charged,” Holtz says as everything slows around them and her eyes lock into Erin's lips. “Did it work?”

 

“Yes,” Erin says with a soft smile. “But I think you've probably got more work to do to make  _ that _ up to me.”

 

Holtz is strong here, her muscles hard from days and days of physical labor, and she rolls them easily, reversing their position as she settles between Erin's legs. 

 

“Gladly,” Holtz says as she looks down at Erin and licks her lips. “How about a bath? I'll race you there. Last one to the house draws it.”

 

She's quick but Erin's reflexes are quicker, and she has her arms around Jillian's waist when she tries to move away to get a running start. Erin drags her to the ground before rolling out of her grip and taking off towards the house, Jillian's laugh ringing out like a bell behind them. 

 

They come together against the front door, chests heaving and cheeks aching from smiling as Holtz pushes a lock of Erin's still damp hair behind her ear. 

 

“You win,” the blonde says softly, leaning her hips into Erin's. 

 

“I guess I do,” Erin says a little coy, blushing under Jillian's gaze. “What else are you going to do to make it up to me?”

 

“You'll have to see,” Holtz says as she opens the door behind Erin and they tumble through. “Get us a cold drink and I'll go run the bath upstairs?”

 

Erin smiles as Holtz rolls up and away from Erin, taking the stairs two at a time as Erin walks to the kitchen, pulling two frosted bottles and a bunch of grapes off one of the shelves before heading up the stairs slowly. 

 

The light is coming through the bathroom windows low and hazy when Erin pushes the door open revealing Jillian waiting for her in the enormous claw foot bath, filled to the brim with bubbles. 

 

“I was under the impression that the bath would be  _ my _ treat?” Erin says with a smile as she takes in the sight in front of her. 

 

“Oh, I can get out if you want,” Holtz says as she makes to stand. 

 

“No,” Erin says quickly. “Stay.”

 

She makes her way to Jillian, divesting herself of her clothes as she walks across the room, watching as Jillian's eyes never leave her body for a second. 

 

She's naked by the time she gets to the tub, running her fingers along the edge of the waterline. 

 

“God, you look good tanned,” Holtz says, mouth slightly agape as she stares up at Erin. “I think you should keep that up when we get….”

 

She breaks off mid-sentence, realising her mistake but Erin's quick to soothe it. Because here, in the soft glow of their bathroom she feels a little stronger than this morning. The hope is easier to find in the sunset than the dawn. 

 

She kneels beside the bath and as gently as she can takes Jillian's face between her palms before leaning in and kissing her with as much light as she can etch into a kiss. 

 

It works, at least a little, because she feels Jillian sigh beneath her and her hands come to rest on Erin's shoulders, almost testing her continued solidity. 

 

They part slowly and Erin smiles as she steps into the bath, settling in front of Jillian with her back to the blonde's front and she reaches for her hands, weaving their fingers together before bringing them above the water to kiss them. 

 

“When we get home I'll book both of us into a tanning salon as regulars, ok? Skin cancer be damned.”

 

She feels Jillian nod, her chin resting on Erin's shoulder as her hands tighten in Erin's. 

 

“We're going to get home, Jill. I promise,” Erin says quietly, leaning back fully into the warmth of Jillian's body, the water lapping gently around them. 

 

“Promise?” Holtz asks quietly, and Erin can feel a tear drop onto her shoulder before it rolls down and over the line of her collarbone. 

 

“I promise,” Erin says with as much confidence as she can muster, trying to hold both of their hearts together. “I love you and I promise.”

 

“I love you too,” Jillian says to the nape of her neck and Erin realises with a jolt that this is the first time she's said those words while they've both been lucid here. 

 

“You do?” Erin asks, turning a little to look Holtz in the eye. 

 

“Of course I do, Er,” Jillian says, her whole body softening as she opens her heart to Erin. “God, how could I not?”

 

Erin sighs deeply, and the echo ripples through them both. She leans back, resting her head in the curve of Jillian's neck as her lips find Erin's pulse and they melt into each other.  

 

Her eyes flutter closed as Jillian's hands unwind from her own, her fingers sliding soft and slow. One hand moves higher, brushing over to cup one of Erin's breasts as the other crawls lower between her thighs. 

 

Her hand pauses just over the curve of Erin's hip, asking permission, seeking  _ something _ , and Erin nods her head as her body aches and reaches, bowing back into Jillian's touch. 

 

Her fingers are swift and nimble and they move through and into Erin so easily it feels like the world is about to come to a close. 

 

They stay in the bath until the water cools around them and they run out of breath, Jillian taking Erin by the hand with a smile as she leads them to bed when Erin starts to shiver. 

 

“Come,” Holtz says gently. “I'll warm us both.”

  
  


-

  
  


They make love that night and Erin wakes in the morning in the same bed, thanking whatever force is driving this for giving them that one small mercy, one morning together before it disappears at their feet.

 

She can feel the edge clawing for her bones even as she closes her eyes and moves back into the warmth of Jillian's body though, a ringing in her blood and a buzzing beneath her skin and she knows this has been a grace, this morning together. 

 

She decides to submits willingly then because it is easier to leave like this with Jillian still fast asleep, this way she only breaks one heart not two. 

 

She's never done it like this, opening her arms to the void before and the ever present scientist in her is curious as to the consequences of her willingness, if the next world will be kinder in response. 

 

It is not. 

  
  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for tuning in!
> 
> Tell me what you thought? Like? Love? [Tumblr?](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com)
> 
> x


	5. five.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin wakes with a thirst in her blood and a fire in her throat in a world that is very, _very_ different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the delay in getting this next chapter up, it's been a busy old week on this side of the world.
> 
> Anyway, this is the vampire au and I'd apologise because I know that this is trope-y as hell and some people think it's tacky blah blah blah but I love vampire stuff (so sue me) and this is actually probably one of my favourite chapters so even if vampire au's aren't your thing, give it a go for me? I'd love to hear if I could win you over...
> 
> Also, it's a really long chapter so like maybe get some snacks or something?
> 
> Oh, and this is a vampire au so there's a little bit of blood mentioned so if that's not your thing stay clear, but it's very tasteful and barely there. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> x

-

  


**five.**

vampire au.

  


-

  


In another world, things are very, very different.

 

Here, Erin wakes with a fire in her throat and a ring on her finger that stops the daylight burning her skin and it’s the closest she comes to wanting to end things because she knows what it means as soon as she opens her eyes.

 

Because she wakes with the memories too, of closing her lips around pale soft skin and _drinking_ and sometimes she can stop, but sometimes she can’t.

 

And it’s horrible, because here, they remember.

 

They see each other across the middle of a piazza in a country like Italy and Erin turns as soon as her eyes find Jillian’s across the crowd, her perfume filling Erin’s lungs like a tonic.

 

“Erin,” Jillian's voice trills across the square, as clear as if she were beside Erin. “Erin, wait.”

 

But Erin keeps walking, starts to walk faster and faster because she can smell the scent that is so characteristically, beautifully, tragically, _humanly_ , Jillian.

 

“Erin, I know you can hear me,” Jillian says desperately and Erin can feel the other woman's heartbeat in her teeth. “Stop. Please.”

 

And she knows she should keep going. She knows she should start running because there's only one way things end here and it isn't good. It's a fucking tragedy.

 

But she stops. Because Jillian asked. And she'll never not do something if the request falls from Jillian's lips.

 

She stops half-way down a small alley with cobbled paved stones underfoot and high buildings with shingled roofs on either side and waits for Jillian to catch up to her, facing away.

 

She hears the slightly laboured breathing, the way the footfalls slow while Jillian catches her breath but Erin still doesn't turn.

 

“Erin, are you going to look at me?” Jillian asks, the hurt evident in her voice. Fresh in light of Erin's attempted flight.

 

“I don't want to,” Erin says and her voice sounds different to her own ears. Lighter. More dangerous. “You need to get as far away from me as you can, Jill.”

 

“So that's it,” Jillian says as she stomps closer to Erin. “You're just going to leave me? You know how it works here Erin, if it's not you it'll be someone else that tries to claim me. God, will you just _look_ at me?”

 

She turns and waits for the gasp because she knows what her face will look like, because it's been days since she fed. Not since before she woke into this body.

 

Her eyes will be bright _bright_ blue and her teeth will be long and her face will be more beautiful for her hunger, not more horrible for it, because that's part of the evolutionary mechanics of their kind, designed to draw in prey when they're the most desperate and dangerous themselves.

 

“Jesus, Erin,” Jillian says in wonder as she reaches for Erin's cheek. “You're stunning. And starving, when was the last time you fed?”

 

“I don't know,” Erin says flinching under Jillian's touch, her hand warm and soft, her veins close enough that Erin could turn her head and kiss the inside of her wrist if she wanted. To take the delicate skin between her teeth and…..

 

“I don't know,” Erin says again as she shakes her head. “A week. Maybe longer.”

 

“That's too long, Erin,” Jillian says as a look of concern drowns her features. “You know that's too long.”

 

“I won't,” Erin says stubbornly. “I don't want to hurt anyone. Anyone more than the ones I already have, I mean.”

 

And she knows what Jillian's going to say before she even says it but it doesn't stop her either way, her hand already moving for Erin's again only this time Erin doesn't have the strength to pull away.

 

“You won't hurt me, Er,” Jillian says quietly as she moves closer to Erin, slowly so as not to spook her. “I know you won't.”

 

Her hands move to Erin's cheeks, cupping the alabaster skin as she brings her lips closer and closer to Erin's and Erin holds her breath in response, trying to limit the intoxicating smell filling every corner of her body.

 

And Erin for her part tries to resist, really she does but Jillian is here and she _remembers_ , and they might be in another universe but they're still them too and maybe it'll be ok. Maybe she can control herself.

 

She takes a breath in then, testing herself as Jillian's lips brush against hers ever so lightly and it hits her like a blow to the stomach, the hunger, covering her vision like a red cloud.

 

“No, no, no, no,” Erin says at once, pushing Jillian away from her gently but abruptly, shutting her eyes as she leans against the wall of the alley, the ancient brick cool at her back. “I won’t, Jill. I won't risk hurting you.”

 

“You have to though,” Jillian coos in her ear and it's not fucking fair because she's using the softness against Erin, trying to get her to bend because she knows how far Erin's pushed it, how far she's pushed herself near her limit and she knows just how badly Erin needs to feed.

 

“I won't,” Erin says shaking her head as Jillian moves closer to her again, taking Erin's hands and settling them on her hips.

 

“Erin, you don't have a choice,” Jillian says and she's begging now. “I won't let you leave me here alone. I know you won't leave me here alone.”

 

She steps between Erin's legs, sweeping her hair back from her neck as she bares it to Erin, her hands tilting Erin's chin gently up.

 

And she's got the physical strength to leave, could overpower fifty men if she wanted to let alone one small blonde human but it's her mental strength that fails, finally, because Jillian's here and Erin is _so fucking hungry._

 

So she gives in, like a branch snapping beneath the weight of something too heavy, curves her head that last degree and lines her mouth up with Jillian's pulse and _breathes in._

 

It's like ambrosia, it makes her mouth water and her throat burn and her eyes burn bluer and she hasn't even broken the skin yet. Her teeth yawn over the tendon of Jillian's neck as Erin's hands move higher to pull Jillian to her by the waist and the blonde whimpers beneath Erin's hunger, and it's enough to break her one-track mind for a second.

 

“Not here,” Erin says, her voice low and gravelly. “We'll go somewhere. I won't do this here.”

 

“I know a place,” Jillian says a little shakily, her body melting against Erin's before she pulls away, their hands joined. “I have a place. Come. Now.”

  


-

  


The place is a beautifully renovated apartment in the middle of the city, the perfect juxtaposition between old world and new architecture.

 

It's quiet and private. High, long windows but with curtains drawn and Erin strains her ears but can't hear any sound of an additional presence in the house.

 

“Is this really yours?” Erin asks with a clipped voice, trying to keep herself calm and her hunger on a leash but it's hard. Because Jillian's wearing a sundress and there's _so much bare skin,_ and she's so beautifully pale in spite of the heat of the country that Erin can make out every single vein beneath the skin.

 

“Yes,” Jillian says as she pulls the last open curtain shut before walking back to Erin who's standing against the kitchen bench with clenched fists. “I'm a photographer. I travel a lot but I seem to have settled here, for some of the year at least.”

 

“Did you ever think we'd come to a world like this?” Erin asks, taking stock of the inexplicability of the situation. “Everything's so normal but there are things like _me_ here. How is that even possible?”

 

“How are ghosts possible?” Jillian says with a shrug. “How is any of this possible.”

 

“Touché,” Erin says with a shrug of her own, watching Jillian carefully as she walks towards her. “You're wearing a dress?”

 

“I like them here, I guess,” Jillian says with a smile as she flicks her hair over her shoulder again. It's the first real smile Erin's seen here and it makes her feel warm. But it makes her feel hungry too and she falters when the reality of their current situation comes crashing down on them.

 

“It's beautiful,” Erin says with a smile of her own before she frowns again and takes a step back as Jillian moves closer to her, her eyes set and determined. “Jill, just wait. Maybe we can wait. Maybe if I hold out for another day we'll shift and I won't have to….”

 

“We can't risk that Erin,” Jillian says carefully. “I won't. Not when I know how long it's been.”

 

Her face falls for a second as a thought crosses her face and in an instant she looks alone, and scared, and _young_ , and it makes Erin's heart burn.

 

“Don't you want to?” Jillian asks, her voice a little broken.

 

_Don't you want me_ goes unsaid, but louder, racketing around the room.

 

Erin growls, a low, animalistic, distinctly non-human growl that rattles her chest and she watches with slightly bared teeth as it actually draws Jillian closer to her rather than scaring her away.

 

“Of course I want to,” Erin says through clenched teeth, backing around the kitchen island as Jillian follows her. “It's all I can think about Jillian, which is why you need to stay the hell away from me.”

 

“No,” Jillian says as she walks Erin into a corner. “I won't. Not when I know that I can do something to help. This is killing you, Erin. What the hell would you do if it were the other way round?”

 

“Make you feed,” Erin growls.

 

“Exactly,” Jillian snarls back, her voice softer and human but **strong**.

 

And Erin's fighting it tooth and nail but it's weakening, her resolve, it's starting to crack at the seams and she doesn't know what to do.

 

“I don't want to hurt you,” Erin says, her voice almost a sob as Jillian presses her body lengthways against Erin's.  

 

“You won't,” Jillian purrs, bending to offer Erin her neck again. “I know you won't, Erin. Please.”

 

And Erin hears in that moment just how much Jillian needs this too, the connection, Erin's touch, how much she's craving the pinch of Erin's bite into her skin.

 

So she gives in.

 

She sighs deeply and sweeps Jillian's hair back with her own hand and Jillian whimpers beneath her as the realisation of what is about to happen settles over her and the anticipation sinks its teeth in first. A taste. A teaser.

 

Her neck is beautifully unmarked and unmarred, a rarity in this world Erin knows even though she's only been conscious for a few days here, and she is thankful for it because she doesn't know if she could handle the idea of anyone else having tasted Jillian before her.

 

She brings her lips close to Jillian's skin, feels the pulse beat subtly against her closed mouth, brushing up and down and smiling at the way it makes Jillian shiver.

 

“I'm sorry,” Erin breathes silky smooth. “This is going to hurt.”

 

“I don't care,” Jillian says as her hands wind in Erin's hair, her voice a little desperate and Erin knows it's her own scent that does this, drives away any hesitation from their prey, drives her further into Erin's arms when she should be running the other way.

 

She kisses first, presses her lips to the skin before she moves up the column of the blonde's neck as her hand cradles the back of it _, up, up, up,_ until she can brush against the corner of Jillian's mouth.

 

Jillian moves then, her hands tightening in Erin's hair as she brings their mouths together finally.

 

Kissing Jillian Holtzmann in any world is good, but this is _delicious_.

 

It's intoxicating because every single one of Erin's senses are heightened and trained to the extreme. Her hearing, her sense of touch, her taste -- _God, the taste_ \-- it's all so much better.

 

Erin tries to keep the kiss measured and below the surface because it's imperative she can keep a lid on her control, but Jillian's breathing is starting to labour and Erin can feel how on edge she is and it's getting so fucking hard to.

 

Erin breaks them apart first and Jillian moans at the loss, and Erin tries to stop her head spinning because Jillian always wants her but this is different. This is unbridled desire and Jillian doesn't often show herself bare with it like this.

 

She's reckless and wanton and she's giving Erin _everything_.

 

So what choice does she have but to take it on bent knees.

 

She closes her eyes and listens to the pulse thrum through Jillian’s body and she lets her body find the vein it's crying out for beneath the skin before she peels back her lips, her mouth sliding wide, and her teeth _sink in._

 

The relief is instantaneous.

 

It's like slipping a weight off her shoulders after carrying it for years, like kicking heels off after a day spent standing, like eating after fasting for weeks and Erin melts beneath it.

 

Her canines slide into the softness of Jillian's neck and she feels liquid bead around the points of her teeth where they pierce the skin, groaning as she brings it into her mouth.

 

It hits the back of her throat, warm and wet and slating and her knees buckle for a moment before she catches herself, turns them and pushes, her leg sliding between Jillian's as she pins her to the wall.

 

The blonde's breath had caught in her throat the second Erin had pierced the skin but it releases with a deep shudder when she presses their bodies together, her lungs emptying as Erin's mouth and body fills, Jillian passing life back into her body.

 

Erin had been turned off at the idea of actually _drinking_ before, disgusted even, but now she's teeth deep and the weakness is draining from her body and she doesn't know how she'll ever think of anything else ever again.

 

It's delicious and carnal and she feels connected to life itself and so, _so_ powerful, and it makes her feel warm in the deepest part of herself.

 

It's obviously having a similar effect on Jillian who is positively writhing beneath Erin, her hands pulling Erin closer, closer, closer as she pushes down against Erin's thigh.

 

And she's done that before, countless times, but here she does it and Erin can feel the warmth and want through every cell in her body and it's enough that it sends a jolt through Erin, and she bites down a little harder.

 

It's a little too hard though, and Jillian flinches ever so slightly beneath the strength of Erin's grip on her throat and it’s like throwing a bucket of water down Erin's back, breaking the spell cast by the pull of Jillian's blood.  

 

It takes every single ounce of willpower she has, screaming, **howling** at her to stay put but she pulls away instantly, her tongue sweeping her saliva to stop the wound as she kisses over the bite marks and drops her head against Jillian's chest.

 

“I'm sorry,” Erin gasps, her redundant breath coming in pants. “I'm so sorry, Jill. Are you ok? Did I hurt you badly?”

 

“I'm fine,” Jillian whimpers, and the strain sounds like arousal to Erin's ears, not pain, the scent radiating from her says the same thing. “It hurt a little but I….I liked it. It felt good. _You_ felt good.”

 

“Ok,” Erin says as she wipes delicately at the corners of her mouth, her tongue catching a drop of red, the _taste_ of it almost bringing her to her knees. “Enough. That should be enough.”

 

But it's not.

 

It's a fucking drop in the bucket and she knows it. And so does Jillian.

 

“It's not enough,” Jillian says, already pulling Erin's lips back to her neck as she tries to move back into Erin's embrace. “I know that's not enough, Erin. You need more.”

 

“No,” Erin says turning her head to avoid Jillian's lips as they seek hers. “No, I won't.”

 

“You have to,” Jillian says as she pulls back and looks at Erin properly, her eyes pleading and as hungry as Erin's. “Please, Erin. Don't make me beg.”

 

“But what if I can't stop?” Erin part-sobs as her hands pull at Jillian's waist. “What if I lose control?”

 

“You won't,” Jillian purrs.

 

I will, Erin thinks. It'll take everything in me to stop.

 

“Please,” Jillian says as tears well in her eyes. “I don't want to do this alone. Not here.”

 

And what she's not saying, the why she's pushing Erin to do his suddenly solidifies in her chest and it almost breaks her because how did they get here? How did they come to a place where they literally hold each other's lives in their hands with arms so tired they can barely hang on.

 

“Ok,” Erin says bending at the pain in Jillian's eyes because it looks so much worse than anything she could ever do to her. “Ok, Jill. Ok.”

 

Jillian breathes a deep shuddering sigh in relief as she pulls Erin's mouth to her neck again, groaning when Erin's lips skirt around the tentatively closed wound.

 

And Erin turns it on then, _properly_ , all the sway and draw and sweet poison she has beneath her skin at her disposal, to turn Jillian over and make this as painless as she possibly can.

 

It's like flicking a switch and she feels it pulse off her body like a radiant heat, Jillian's body drinking it in like she hasn't had a drop of water in years. She moves her lips higher to brush at Jillian's ear as she whispers, her voice liquid silk, into Jillian's soul.

 

“Relax, baby. This won't hurt a bit,” Erin says, forcing the change in her voice in spite of the maelstrom in her heart telling her this is wrong. So so wrong. She shuts it off though, she has to, because this is Jillian's wish for them and above all else, she will honour that.

 

Her hands slide up Jillian's sides to brush the underside of her breasts and she comes apart a little bit more at Erin's touch, her hands tightening in Erin's hair again.  

 

“Erin,” Jillian moans as she falls back against the wall against the gentle pressure of Erin's hips, Erin's name like a daydream on her tongue.

 

“I know,” Erin says as she presses a whisper soft kiss to Jillian's neck, her hands sliding up gently to tilt the blonde’s head back and expose her pulse. “I _know_.”

 

The hunger is screaming in Erin's veins now too, her vision blurring red around the edges and she bites her own tongue in an attempt to keep herself under control as she moves in, drawing Jillian’s essence into her lungs as her lips move closer and closer.

 

Jillian's shaking now too so Erin pushes her thigh between Jillian’s, feeling her warmth evident on bare skin as she tries to ground her just before the bite. Erin’s not sure if it does the task she had intended it to but Jillian certainly reacts, sliding down and against it, leaving evidence of her arousal behind and it makes Erin growl.

 

The vibration thrums through Jillian's skin beneath her lips and it makes the blood shake and just like that, Erin snaps.

 

She draws her teeth open against Jillian's pulse before they slip against her marks and Erin bites down anew.

 

She thought she might have been ready this time, thought she'd be more prepared but if anything this time is worse, and so much better all at the same time.

 

Because Jillian, high on Erin's dangerously tempting perfume, moans this time instead of winces at Erin's entry and it makes Erin wet.

 

Erin's mouth fills as she draws the liquid from Jillian and the blonde only pushes herself closer, gives more of herself to Erin as Erin _takes_ and _takes_ and _takes_.

 

With every drop she can feel her body repairing itself, can feel the damage of her fast being undone and for the first time since she woke up she has a taste of how truly powerful her body is. The blood is like magic, searing life back into muscles she didn't even know had begun to atrophy.

 

And she can feel other things too, can feel how desperately Jillian wants her, even more so than she could before. Can feel intimately each pump of her heart, can feel the way her body truly and completely bends itself open to Erin, and it's _beautiful_.

 

But it's dangerous too because Erin has nothing to temper it with, nothing to dilute the incredibly strong overwhelming essence of **Jillian** , **Jillian** , **Jillian** , has nothing to hand that could possibly stop her beyond her own will and that is terrifying.

 

She tries so carefully to keep each gulp measured and slow, trying to gauge how much she's taking and how much she needs but she has to try and keep in check how much she can take too, and that gets exceedingly difficult the more she draws and the stronger she gets and the more the blood lust builds and builds in her own bones.

 

Jillian doesn't shy away the more she takes though, she gives herself to Erin more. She pushes her body closer and encourages Erin's teeth deeper and Erin has to try harder and harder to keep herself in control.

 

So she tries to concentrate on things, on the rate at which Jillian's heart beats, gradually slowing as her body becomes lighter and the smell of her as her arousal builds, and that's what does it in the end, that's what finally takes Erin's attention away enough to stop.

 

Erin's teeth sink lower into the skin and her vision blurs dangerously, and Erin growls low and Jillian moans in response. Her leg slides up the outside of Erin's thigh to wind around Erin's waist and pull her closer, and the sudden shock of desire hits Erin like a train and she pulls away with a gasp.

 

It's like flicking a switch in her head and in less than two tenths of a second, Erin knows because she counts, she goes from blood hungry to body hungry and has to have Jillian. All of Jillian.

 

Immediately.

 

She knows her eyes will be deep navy now, almost black, and her lips stained a pretty crimson, her hair wild from Jillian's hands and she's worried it might frighten the blonde but it just seems to deepen her desire and she all but throws herself at Erin as their lips crash together.

 

Erin picks her up mid-jump, spinning both of them easily as she wraps Jillian's legs around her waist and walks them so smoothly they may as well be floating in the direction Erin can smell linen sheets.

 

Jillian’s body is almost sealed flush against hers, her heart settled against Erin's chest and it _thump_ , _thump_ , _thumps_ as they make their way down the hall to the bedroom.

 

Jillian's hands scramble at the buttons of Erin's own dress as much as she can, strikingly hot against the unnatural cool of Erin’s skin as Erin walks them the last few steps to the foot of the bed.

 

“How much do you like this dress?” Erin growls against Jillian as her hands settle, one under Jillian's ass and the other sliding beneath the strap on her shoulder.

 

“I don't like it as much as I want you,” Jillian says smiling as her tongue runs along the line of Erin's shoulder.

 

“Good,” Erin says with a little snarl before both hands meet above the zip and tear the fabric like paper, the back opening fully before Erin bends and presses Jillian down into the bed, pulling the straps down Jillian's arms with a teasing slowness before throwing the remnants of the dress roughly behind her.

 

Erin takes a moment then, pauses and listens to the world as she looks at the wanton mess that is Jillian Holtzmann looking up at her like she's the hottest thing she's ever seen.

 

She's biting her lip and Erin can see the tiny blood vessels moving around the point of her dull in comparison canine, can see her pulse leaping in her throat, can see the throb of a richer blood source in her groin, positively singing to Erin.

 

Erin leans down, captures Jillian's lips in hers as their tongues move wetly against one another, pushing for more and desperate for a heavier contact. Erin shortens the kiss though, too eager to taste more of her to linger overlong.

 

She slides backwards to stand at the end of the bed, pulling Jillian and her underwear clad body down slightly so she can dangle her feet off the end giving Erin open access to her pounding core.

 

Erin sinks to her knees as her fingers slide delicately beneath the top of Jillian's underwear. Erin drags them down Jillian’s legs, kissing the inside of her knee and then inner thigh as she makes her way lower.

 

“Fuck it's hot when you take over like this,” Jillian moans from above her. “Jesus, Erin. I think I'm going to explode.”

 

“Stop being so dramatic,” Erin purrs as she blows a cold breath over Jillian's very _very_ evident arousal before leaning in and taking the quickest taste, just enough to have the blonde leaping off the bed.

 

“Uh-uh,” Erin says as her hands settle over Jillian's hips and hold, exerting the tiniest amount of her strength but deeply satisfied to find Jillian can't struggle against her at all. “Patience.”

 

“Fuck patience,” Jillian mumbles as she takes the heel of her hand into her mouth in an attempt to distract herself as Erin's teasing continues.

 

Erin doesn't keep her strung out for long though because the scent is mouthwatering and honestly, Erin can't help herself. She settles lower herself before taking a deep redundant breath and pressing her mouth warm and whole over Jillian, almost coming apart herself at the noise that comes from the woman beneath her.

 

Her reflexes are quicker here, her touch and her tongue firmer and she has the blonde squirming in a matter of minutes. Erin can hear that stream of warmth pound by her ear though, the sound getting heavier and heavier the closer Jillian gets to a release, and Erin doesn't need to feed again but god, she wants to drink from that vein so fucking badly.

 

“Jill,” she says with a gasp as she pulls away, replacing her tongue with her fingers to keep the momentum going as she kisses over the pulse. “Baby, I….”

 

“Take it, Erin,” Jillian moans as she arches up into Erin's touch. “Take it. _Please_. Just don't stop.”

 

Jillian’s approval makes her euphoric and Erin returns to her work with her full attention, her fingers moving harder and faster as her tongue joins in until she can feel Jillian dangling off the edge.

 

She pushes and pushes and just when she feels Jillian's heartbeat stall she takes her mouth and slides an inch to the left, numbing the flesh with a kiss before she growls and bites down.

 

It's perfectly timed, aligning with Jillian’s peak, and the joint sensation sends the orgasm screaming through her body, Erin's fingers and teeth both buried to the hilt.

 

The bite makes the release stronger, makes Jillian's back bend harder and Erin has to flex her arm to keep her down against the mattress as she drinks and curls her fingers, pulling as much from the blonde as she can take before she falls back, utterly spent and boneless.

 

Erin tears herself away, focussing on the feeling of the blonde's hand in her hair as she takes one last drink before sweeping her tongue to close the wound, pressing a kiss to the shaking skin as she crawls up Jillian's body.

 

“Are you ok?” Erin asks, a little concerned at pallor of Jillian's skin, worried she'd taken too much.

 

“No,” Jillian croaks beneath her, her eyes fluttering open at Jillian's lips gentle on her cheek. “You've outdone yourself, Gilbert. _Jesus_. Who knew being bitten would feel so damn good.”

 

“I think it's part of it,” Erin says as she lays next to Jillian, winding their fingers together gently. “I think it feels good so you'll let me do it again. Plus, it's not like we've never bitten each other before.”

 

“Yeah, but not like this,” Jillian says with a smirk.

 

“Does it hurt?” Erin asks curiously, a little concerned as her lips touch the reddened skin around the bite.

 

“A little,” Jillian says with a frown as she thinks. “It's not too bad though. And I think they heal extra fast, right? They should be gone by morning.”

 

“I'm sorry I had to do that,” Erin says sadly as she takes her place against Jillian's side, sliding her leg between the blonde’s. “I'm so sorry, Jill.”

 

“We’re not going to do this, ok?” Jillian says interrupting Erin as she leans up on an elbow. “We're just not. You didn't have a choice, Erin. And I'm ok.”

 

“You're ok?” Erin asks with a concerned frown.

 

“I'm ok,” Jillian confirms and she looks a little sheepish, a new blush blooming beneath the lines of her cheeks.

 

“Your heart rate is picking up,” Erin says with a slightly confused look at her as she leans up on her elbow. “Are you sure you're ok?”

 

“Yeah,” Jillian says as the blush deepens. “I'm fine, ok. It's….it felt nice, alright? _Really_ nice.”

 

“Me biting you?” Erin asks with a surprised smile. “Really?”

 

“Yes,” Jillian says with a heavy nod. “Really. Why? Did it not feel good for you?”

 

“I don't think good begins to scratch the surface, Jill,” Erin says with a smirk. “It was….god, I don't even know where to start. Unexplainable. Breathtaking.”

 

“Really?” Jillian asks Erin a little shyly.

 

“Yes,” Erin says seriously. “But it was terrifying too.”

 

“Why?” Jillian asks quietly.

 

“Because I didn't know if I was going to be able to stop,” Erin says with a frown. “And I knew there wasn't anything that could make me if I couldn't make myself.”

 

Jillian looks at her like she understands the conflict running through Erin’s entire body as they quiet next to each other, and she lets the seriousness of their situation breathe between them.

 

“What's it like? Jillian asks after a while, her voice small and hesitant. “How do you feel?”

 

“Strong,” Erin replies without thinking. “Powerful. Hungry.”

 

“Still?” Jillian asks as her hand moves unconsciously to the marks on her neck.

 

“Always,” Erin says nodding. “I'm always hungry.”

 

“You can take whenever you need,” Jillian says looking to Erin with a determined look on her face. “I don't want you to be more in pain than you need to be.”

 

Erin doesn't say anything because really what can you say to your soulmate when they offer you the thing that keeps them alive for the sake of doing the same to you. There's nothing she can say. Nothing that does it justice, so she acts instead.

 

She leans in and kisses Jillian with everything she has, allows the magic that flows around her body to move into Jillian's, smiling against her lips when she feels it hit Jillian's heart.

 

It's like a drug, but better than. It's heat and pleasure and power, everything they as a species need to draw their prey in and keep them to their sides, only that's not what she's using it for because Jillian is already bound to her, blood and bone. No, she gives it over as a reprieve, a distraction, something to plug the despair if only for a moment.

 

“Jesus,” Jillian gasps when they break away. “That's….I don't even know what that is.”

 

“Magic,” Erin says with a cynical laugh. “Or close to it. One of the few benefits for us both, I think.”

 

“I wish you could feel what I can,” Jillian says to Erin, still a little dazed.

 

“I think I can,” Erin says turning to Jillian thoughtfully. “When I'm….when we're connected, I think I can feel what you feel. It's the same, now. When we're close like this.”

 

Jillian hums, as though she understands what Erin's trying to articulate and they're both quiet for a minute as they let the calm of Erin's presence wash over them both.

 

“Thank you,” Erin says quietly as she takes Jillian's hand in hers more securely. “Thank you for saving me. Thank you for letting me….”

 

“My pleasure,” Jillian says with a smirk. “Literally. Seriously though Erin, you know I'd do everything for you, right? Give you everything?”

 

“I know,” Erin says a little sadly. “So would I, Jill. But that's such a dangerous thing here.”

 

“I know,” Jillian says sighing deeply. “What are we going to do? Aside from the obvious, because I know you won't do that.”

 

“No,” Erin says quickly and firmly. “I won't.”

 

“Even though it would make things so much safer for both of us?” Jillian tries to reason.

 

“No,” Erin says again, harder this time. “We'll find another way. Another way that's not that. I'll protect you.”

 

“I know you will,” Jillian says a little sadly too as she spins Erin's ring around her finger. “But who's going to protect you?”

  


-

  


They manage to exist in a fragile state for a week as they wait for the shift before they are tested.

 

They never stray far from each other, not that they do normally but they're extra vigilant about it here, Erin's senses always tuned to Jillian and danger all the while trying to keep the hunger from taking over.

 

She hasn't had anything, hasn't fed since their reunion a week ago even though Jillian's offered every day, and she knows Jillian has noticed the blue ring growing clearer around her pupils with every night that passes.

 

She knows she won't be able to hold out much longer though because she's starting to grow weak and she cannot let that compromise Jillian's safety, so she resolves to do something about it later that night when they get home.

 

They're walking home from dinner, well Jillian's dinner at least, hands held tight and ears keen when Erin smells something that makes her teeth elongate and her eyes glow stronger.

 

“Blood,” she says, stopping them both still in the middle of the thin side-street they're walking down.

 

“What?” Jillian asks quickly. “Where?”

 

“Up ahead,” Erin says as she takes a breath in trying to gauge more, to pick up as much detail as she can. There's the metallic taste of blood on the air and something sweeter, something older than her.

 

“Can we go back?” Jillian asks, her voice sounding more than a little afraid. “Can we just….”

 

“No,” Erin says seriously. “They can smell me now, too.”

 

“How many?” Jillian asks, her hand tight in Erin's.

 

“Just one, I think,” Erin says as she closes her eyes and concentrates on the scent in the air. “She's older than I am though. _Shit_.”

 

“What do we do?” Jillian asks, obviously frightened now.

 

“I don't know,” Erin says as she pulls Jillian closer to her. “I don't know but just follow my lead, ok? She's almost here.”

 

Erin can see her coming but she knows Jillian's human eyes can't, as fast as she is. She comes to a stop a few feet away from them, her thumb and forefinger wiping delicately at her mouth as she looks to them.

 

She's beautiful, and immaculately dressed, her eyes black as she appraises Erin and Jillian curiously. Her hair is long and flowing red halfway down her back, and in a flawless black dress she looks the picture of the Italian royalty Erin knows has been wound through with this disease that runs in her own veins.

 

“Good evening sister,” the woman says to Erin before bowing slightly. “Beautiful night for a spot of dinner, isn't it?”

 

“It is,” Erin says, bowing a little in reply as she pushes Jillian behind her subtly. “You've already fed?”

 

“I have,” she says airily as she glances over Erin's shoulder at Jillian. “Although I daresay I could have a bite more if you were willing to share. I'm a clean eater, I promise.”

 

Erin can feel Jillian's heart rate pick up behind her and she knows the other woman can too.

 

“Don't worry, pet,” the redhead says to Jillian silkily. “I promise it won't hurt a bit.”

 

“She's a little more than dinner,” Erin says, trying to keep calm as her teeth sharpen in her mouth.

 

“Ah,” the other woman says understanding. “You like to play with your food too? Can't say I blame you, this one is particularly lovely. Are you sure you won't share?”

 

“Not tonight,” Erin says, smiling at the other woman with a pretence she hopes to hell holds up. “Maybe another time?”

 

“Mmmm,” the woman says, breathing in deeply as she closes her eyes and drinks the taste of Jillian, mouth-wateringly afraid. “I’d like that. Come find me when you've tired of her? I’ll gladly take her off your hands.”

 

“Of course,” Erin says bowing her head as the stranger moves towards them, drawing her hand along Jillian's jaw as she passes. She can feel the tension in Jillian's body, can feel her holding back the instinct to flinch but she doesn't, and it's lucky really because it might well have cost her her life if she had.

 

“ _Yummy_ ,” the woman says finally before she nods to Erin and disappears off away at a speed only Erin can follow.

 

They both let out a great shuddering sigh when the woman is gone, and Erin's surprised to find Jillian on the edge of tears.

 

“Take me home,” Jillian says and Erin nods, wrapping her arm around the blonde’s waist as they flee.

  


-

  


Jillian is quiet when they get home, much too quiet for Erin's liking and it unsettles her because Erin can tell by the look in her eyes that her thoughts are loud but she isn’t sharing them.

 

She follows Jillian into the bathroom as she starts to undress for bed, eyes not able to stop admiring the glow of Jillian's skin even in spite of the tenseness of the situation.

 

“Jill,” Erin says as she hangs back, her arm against the door frame. “I need you to talk to me. What's going on? I know that was awful but there's something you're not saying and we can't not….we have to tell each other everything. We agreed, right?”

 

Jillian falters at that, her hands resting on the hairbrush in her hands as she looks up to Erin's reflection in the mirror, that old adage untrue at least.

 

She's quiet for a long moment, her eyes holding Erin's and she can hear the pulse of her heartbeat falter too, in nervousness or anger, Erin's not sure.

 

“I'm sorry,” Erin says with a frown. “I should have picked up her scent earlier. I never should have put us in that situation in the first place.”

 

“It's not that,” Jillian says shaking her head before she drops her eyes to look at her hands again. “You have to change me, Erin,”

 

“What?” Erin says evenly, trying to keep the anger out of her voice because they've already talked about this and Erin's position had been very clear.

 

“You know I'm right,” Jillian says slowly, choosing her words carefully. “It's too dangerous to leave me human. You know it is. She could have killed me tonight and you wouldn't have been able to do a thing. We got lucky, Erin. Very lucky.”

 

“No,” Erin says with clenched teeth. “I won't. Absolutely not, Jill. There are other ways to keep you safe.”

 

“Like what?” Jillian says throwing her hands up in exasperation. “Like you lock me in this apartment for the rest of our lives here? Because I can't think of any other way to keep me completely out of harm's way. And even then you're still in here with me. Doesn't that kind of defeat the point?”

 

She brings her hand to her mouth as soon as the words leave her lips, instantly regretting them, but it doesn't matter because the sting has already found it's way into Erin's skin.

 

“I'm sorry Erin, you know I didn't mean that,” Jillian says as she walks to Erin slowly. “I'm so sorry. I'm just….I'm scared. And tired. And I just want to go home.”

 

She moves to Erin and Erin opens her arms without so much as a second’s thought, taking Jillian against her, warm and gentle and so very alive.

 

“I know you do,” Erin says as her hands smooth over the flat of Jillian's almost bare back. “I know you do. I do too. And you know I’d do everything I could to keep you safe Jill, but you don't….you don't know what you're asking for. Not with this.”

 

“So tell me,” Jillian says imploring as she pulls away from Erin. “And whatever it's like, isn't it better than I'm like you than….”

 

“Dead?” Erin asks flatly.

 

“Yes,” Jillian replies just as seriously.

 

“Christ, Jillian,” Erin says pulling away so she can take in a breath of clean, neutral air. Not one so overwhelmingly full of **Jillian** because it's clouding her decision making and telling, no screaming, at her to just _do it._

 

“You know it's our only real option, Erin,” Jillian says sadly, following Erin so she can slide her arms around Erin’s waist and rest her chin on the line of Erin's shoulder.

 

“I can't take it back,” Erin says seriously. “Once I start, the only way to stop it is to….it's not reversible, Jill.”

 

“I know that,” Jillian says carefully. “You don't think I've thought through every other option? That I've thought through every single consequence?”

 

“Of course you have,” Erin says turning in Jillian's arms. “Of course you have, I'm sorry.”

 

She looks down to Jillian with a sad clear gaze as she tries to ignore the way she can hear Jillian's heartbeat change, pick up speed as she takes Erin's acquiescence in.

 

“If this is what you really want then we'll do it,” Erin says finally.

 

“Really?” Jillian says, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smile.

 

“Really,” Erin says resigned. “But only if you're very, very sure. I want you to take a day, Jill. Just stay here and think ok? I'll come back tomorrow night and if it's still what you want then I'll do it.”

 

“You don't have to go,” Jillian says frowning as Erin moves to step away.

 

“I do,” Erin says with a wry smile. “Having me here is only going to cloud your judgement. I’m a walking, talking bias.”

 

“I don't need a whole day,” Jillian says but Erin's already shaking her head.

 

“I want you to have a day,” Erin says with a frown. “Please?”

 

“Ok,” Jillian says as she moves to Erin slowly, sliding her arms around Erin's waist again as she pulls them together, her lips finding Erin's neck. “I'll take a day. But you promise you'll come back?”

 

“Of course,” Erin says as she winds her hands in blonde hair, pulling Jillian to her for one last kiss. “Do you really think I could stay away?”

 

They move together, the kiss hot and deep and Erin feels the hunger burn hot in her throat before she pulls away with a gasp.

 

She doesn't say anything as she leaves Jillian to the final day of her human life here, her heart heavy and more hollow than it's ever been.

  


-

  


She returns just after dusk the following night, a bag full of stolen blood from the local hospital light on her arm.

 

She pushes the door open to find Jillian waiting for her, sitting at the table with a bottle of champagne and two glasses.

 

“Hi,” Erin says softly as she takes in the radiant softness hanging around Jillian and it's almost enough to make her run immediately, terrified by the gentle humanity glowing in the room.

 

“Hi,” Jillian says as she stands, walking a glass over to Erin.

 

“What are we celebrating?” Erin asks gently as she accepts the glass, hoping against hope that Jillian has changed her mind.

 

“A new chapter,” Jillian says softly as her arm slides around Erin's waist and Erin's heart falls but she keeps the smile plastered carefully on her face.

 

“That's your decision?” Erin asks gently.

 

“It is,” Jillian says finally and Erin can only nod in response.

 

“You want to do it….”

 

“Tonight,” Jillian says nodding. “Please. I'm so tired of being afraid.”

 

Erin leans down, kisses Jillian with every inch of emotion she has, cracking open their connection with both hands and pouring every part of herself into the touch until Jillian breaks away with a gasp.

 

“That's cheating,” Jillian grouses as she sets their glasses on the table and walks Erin backwards towards the bedroom. “You're not going to change my mind.”

 

“Girl’s gotta try though, right?” Erin says with a smirk as she sits when she feels her legs hit the back of the bed, pulling Jillian down into her lap.

 

“How does it work?” Jillian says a little nervously as she settles on top of Erin, her hands sliding over Erin’s shoulders.

 

“Don't worry about that now,” Erin says soothingly as she pulls Jillian to her. “Just concentrate on me, ok?”

 

She's nervous, Erin can smell it but so is Erin because it's not like she's ever done this before either, even if she is aware of what the change entails.

 

She tries to forget herself though, lets her body get lost in the sound of Jillian's beautiful human heart beating wildly in her chest, as if protesting what it knows is about to happen.

 

Jillian's kisses are hungry, her touches eager and Erin can tell she's scared but she's excited too. A little anticipatory as she rolls her body against Erin's with a new, hot desperation.

 

They make short work of each other's clothes, no time for preamble or teasing and Erin almost comes apart when Jillian presses her back into the softness of the bed, her scent heavy around Erin as her mouth closes over Erin and everything else goes white.

 

She moves over Jillian softly afterwards, drags her tongue and her hands as slowly as she thinks she can without breaking Jillian into a million pieces because she wants to make this special, _memorable_ , one last beautiful human hurrah to celebrate Jillian's soul and she tries not to cry as one of the last releases Jillian will ever feel in her old body bleeds from her fingertips as Erin curls her fingers inside.

 

She waits until the orgasm recedes a little before she starts, waits until Jillian is gasping for breath not holding it when she takes her hand from Jillian's breast and her mouth from her other nipple and she pricks two tiny red bursts on the inside of her own wrist before holding it up to the blonde’s mouth.

 

Jillian doesn't say anything, just takes Erin's wrist in her hands and brings it to her mouth before she draws Erin's life from the small wounds. Erin can feel the nervousness seep back into Jillian's body so she starts curling her fingers again and it works enough for Jillian's eyes to flutter shut as Erin takes her wrist back and bends down to brush her lips against the blonde's pulse one last time.

 

“Are you sure?” Erin asks with a tragic finality and Jillian moans a yes that shakes the windows as she comes and Erin bites down and _takes_ , _takes_ , _takes_.

 

She drinks deep and long and Jillian writhes beneath her as Erin's hand comes up to sit against the line of her jaw, connecting them at two points instead of one.

 

She feels Jillian's pulse slow but she doesn't stop.

 

She feels her heart grow weak but she doesn't stop.

 

She feels Jillian's voice go quiet but she still doesn't stop because this is how it has to be.

 

She has to take it _all_.

 

She's crying when the last living beat leaves Jillian Holtzmann’s body and Erin didn't even think she was capable of that here.

 

Her heart sings the final note of it's lament and there's utter silence for two full seconds, and then Jillian's eyes open _bright hungry blue_ and Erin's close in heartbreak and relief simultaneously.

 

And then they shift.

  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I know it's no Twilight but I'm a bit fond of the ending in a heartbreaking kind of way?
> 
> Please stop on by and let me know if you liked or swing by [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com)!
> 
> xx


	6. six.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin wakes to a world where she and Jillian grow into royalty, sheltered by a jungle with cats at their sides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi team!
> 
> Here is the chapter of this whole au that's probably the closest to my heart because it's so completely the product of my ridiculous brain. Without further ado, here is a more in-depth exploration of the jungle queen au from the first two pieces in this series.
> 
> Oh, one more note - the narration in this piece is a little different. Almost all the other chapters start where _our_ Erin enters the world but with this one I wanted to give you guys more of a history so it starts from the very beginning. Here, our prime Erin enters consciousness on the night of their coronation but you'll find that out when you read on...
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> x

-

  
  


**six.**

jungle queen au. 

  
  


-

  
  


In another world, Erin learns to fight and hunt as soon as she can hold a knife in her hand. 

 

She is taken into the jungle from the moment she can walk upright and taught to know it better than her own body. 

 

She is taught which plants are friend and which are foe. Learns which tracks to follow and which to run as fast from as she can. She learns what the pulse of the land sounds like, what each heartbeat means, close enough that they become indistinguishable from her own. 

 

Jillian is by her side always, from a time before her memory can even serve her. 

 

Their story here is a peculiar one, both brought to the elders of the village from separate hunting parties in different directions of the compass on the same day, orphaned and alone. 

 

They appear unremarkable to look at, although the village knows even then that they will be special. 

 

The elders expect the children to be close as they grow, as similar in age as they appear to be, but the bond that develops almost immediately is astounding. 

 

They are inseparable from the moment they are set in a crib together, wood and vine woven around soft fur holding two chubby little hands that clasp together blindly and never, ever let go. 

 

When she has seen five name days both the girls are taken into the jungle with a purpose, because the elders think they have been brought to the village for a reason, to  _ lead _ them, so they begin to set a series of tests. 

 

The tracker spots some paw prints, pointing them out to Erin who clutches the small borrowed knife a little more determined against her chest before walking on behind her. 

 

She turns and catches a flash of blonde hair directly at her heels, sees a flash of nervousness in the other so reaches out behind her to give Jillian her hand as they walk on. 

 

The jungle deepens around them as they move further in, so alive and vocal and beautiful around them that Erin's rapidly developing mind spins at the stimuli. She's a little distracted because of this, not noticing that the tracker has stopped in front of them, loosening the bow from her shoulder as she crouches low and motions for the two of them to do the same. 

 

They both bend, hands clasped together not breathing while the tracker pauses, her muscles pulled long before she holds and holds and  _ holds _ and then quick as a whip lets an arrow loose. 

 

Erin hears it hit something solid and alive with a thick  **thump** followed by a clipped cry, and before she even knows what she's doing she finds herself moving towards the sound of the noise. 

 

She strains her hearing and picks up the low laboured breath of something in pain but there's something else too, a quiet mewling that makes the hair on the back of Erin's neck stand on end. 

 

Hands still joined Jillian walks with her, curious, and the tracker follows them a little amazed by their lack of fear as they creep towards the source of the noise. 

 

Erin will never forget the sight that follows, not for as long as she lives in any world, of the magnificent  _ enormous _ cat with an arrow through its chest. 

 

It's struggling, Erin can tell that even as young as she is, but she knows it's no danger to her, not anymore, so she walks up to the animal and puts her hand on the cat's muzzle. It's massive, the feline’s head almost as big as Erin's entire body but she's not scared, only sorry that the cat is suffering. 

 

Jillian comes up beside her, puts her hand carefully next to the arrow in the barrel of the animal's chest as the tracker crouches next to them and teaches them a lesson of mercy and kindness and respect for the beasts they share this land with, before she shows them both how to put the cat out of its misery. 

 

The older woman moves perform the blessing before she does anything but Erin and Jillian stop her, motioning, seeking permission for them to perform the small ritual instead. 

 

The tracker smiles, nodding as Jillian picks up earth from the ground, draws a small circle on the cat's haunches before pulling quickly at the arrowhead at exactly the same time as Erin slides her small knife in, quickly, lethally, and the animal shudders in relief as it dies. 

 

They both clean their hands on the dirt beneath them and move to walk back towards the tracker when the mewling sound catches their attention again. 

 

Erin looks to Jillian, confused, and together they walk just past the animal's body and Erin's heart stops in her chest. 

 

There, at the foot of the biggest tree Erin has ever seen, nestled amongst the foliage are two small kittens. 

 

One is as black as pitch and one black spotted over a deep golden brown, and they quiet the second the girls draw near. The tracker walks behind them until the cats hiss at her presence. Frowning, Erin watches as she backs off and they settle immediately. 

 

This time Jillian walks first, her hand stretched gently as she reaches for one of the animals, smiling widely at Erin when it sniffs at her hands before licking it gently. Erin does the same, the other cat mirroring Jillian's exactly. 

 

The girls look to the tracker pleadingly, expecting to see a frustrated face but they turn to find a bowed head instead, the woman on her knees in front of them. 

 

She mutters a word that sounds like queen before raising her head to look at the girls carefully. 

 

“Can we take them back to the village?” Erin asks, her face creased in confusion as Jillian takes a cat in her arms gently, smiling when it settles happily against her chest. 

 

“Yes,” the tracker says, nodding with a bemused smile. “I expect we had better.”

 

Erin turns with a huge smile to Jillian, walking over to pat the small animal in her arms, gently grinning when it purrs contently beneath her hand. She moves to take the other cat,  _ her _ cat, carefully in her hands as the tracker picks up the enormous body lying still to their side, dropping it heavily over her shoulders before walking out behind them. 

 

The walk back seems to take longer but eventually they push through the last line of trees into the clearing beside the village to a crowd waiting patiently for them. 

 

The small body nestled beside her heart mewls one more time and her life changes forever. 

  
  


-

  
  


They take the cats back to the palace and begin to raise them, and  the people of the village start to treat them differently. They are only young still so they don't understand, not properly, but even as a child Erin knows something has shifted. 

 

Nothing changes between them though. They still sleep in the same bed, sharing the same furs, their hands clasped tight when they sleep and wake like they always have, only now they have two small feline bodies to share the space with. 

 

The cats it turns out, simplify things enormously. 

 

Because the village elders had assumed they were special but this, their innate bond with each other and their bond with the animals solidifies things. 

 

They start grooming the girls for royalty, immersing them in the duties and responsibilities of a regent, and she and Jillian take to them with a seamless ease that only further strengthens their positions. 

 

The cats grow quickly and while wild they obey both Erin and Jillian perfectly, as though they were an extension of their own souls and not just beasts. 

 

(This, Erin will learn, is not so far from the truth in actuality)

 

They follow the girls like sheep, at their heels day and night. They learn to hunt as a team, bringing down more game than the village has ever had before and for the first time in a hundred years not a single body goes hungry. 

 

They are placid at their sides, yes, but only to an extent. They refuse to abide the touch or closeness of anyone beyond she and Jillian, growling and snapping if anyone attempts to approach them too closely. 

 

They are hunting companion and bed warmer and soul alike but they are a guard too, and they stand a constant vigil at Erin and Jillian's side. 

 

They grow and they grow and they grow until they brush up against Erin's teenage waist as she walks barefoot down the marble halls of the palace, Jillian's hand in her own as they move between their lessons or meals or to watch as the elders hold court. 

 

They grow and change but some things remain solid. 

 

Her affection for Jillian through their journey here is absolute. They are inseparable from the moment they are joined as babies, not as siblings but as soul mates waiting for the time to come when they will wake and the hand in their own will feel different. 

 

They learn about sex and sexuality from a young age because it is embraced with a natural ease here, unlike their prime universe. Men with men and women with women are almost revered and others are left with the task of propagation of the species as the other couples are left to teach and hunt, the responsibility of child-rearing indirect rather than direct. 

 

Here Erin grasps her sexuality easily from a young age, fostered as they are within a wealth of acceptance. 

 

She watches the strong muscles of the women that train them and teach them with more than just affection and admiration of the skill it allows and she knows Jillian does too. 

 

She sees Jillian watching with a curious objectivity when their tutors same-gendered partners meet them at the end of their sessions or lessons, take their hands like she does Jillian's but press a kiss to their lips too, which they have not done.

 

Yet. 

 

Erin doesn't live any of this through though, she inherits the memories. 

 

Here, she wakes and comes to her body at the exact moment she kisses Jillian for the first time on the morning of her eighteenth name day. 

 

This is late for their people but they've never truly abided by what the others consider standard anyway, different and unique in the village in every conceivable way. 

 

They sit at breakfast in the palace and Jillian presents Erin with her gift, a beautiful obsidian bangle she's spent the last year working with one of the craftsmen in the village, and it takes Erin's breath away. 

 

Jillian reaches across the table for her hand, sliding it over Erin's wrist with a gentle smile and Erin reaches across the setting and kisses Jillian without thinking. 

 

She leans back lucid and  _ herself _ , her mind roaring with memories and the inundation of sensation and  **Jillian** , right here next to her. 

 

She moves back, appearing a little surprised by her own actions (when in truth she's still waiting for the memories to settle) an apology on her lips but it isn't necessary. 

 

Jillian is still smiling when Erin looks to her, her fingers playing across her lips, savouring the sensation of Erin's touch as she leans in closer. 

 

“Will you do that again?” Jillian asks with a smile in her eyes and Erin knows she doesn't remember but that's ok, because she's here and her hand is warm on Erin's wrist and it's all she can do to smile and let a stray tear fall. 

 

“Yes,” Erin breathes as a different piece in them awakens and their cats start nuzzling one another in a new way, the affection rumbling off them too like thunder. 

 

Their steward, the woman who had been with them on the day they'd found their cats walks into the room, watches their joint hands with a smile before she bends to take Erin's. 

 

“You are ready,” the woman says simply. “You are both ready.”

 

The next day they begin their training, formally. 

  
  


-

  
  


This is one of Erin's favourite worlds, of every one they visit. 

 

Because here her life is peace and hard work, and it's physical but there's a satisfaction that comes from getting their hands into the soil every day that settles her soul. 

 

It's so very different to their own world that sometimes Erin forgets what the intricacies of modern life were like, because they are advanced here but life is simple too. 

 

They live off the land and while they don't have technology per-se the people here work stone and metal better than in their own universe, have a more intimate understanding of the earth and how man should interact with it, and while Erin doesn't have physics here she has alchemy and biology and she falls in love with it. 

 

She falls in love with Jillian deeply, too. 

 

Because here Jillian is free and wild and maybe the truest iteration of herself that Erin will ever see, and it's beautiful to watch her grow. 

 

They are simple with each other; their love steady and pure and unrushed and natural and it soothes them both, and their people as well. 

 

Their lives are simple but busy and full, and then they are coronated and Erin's life gains a meaning and significance it  _ has _ never and  _ will _ never have again because they  **lead** . 

 

They take each other to bed for the first time following the ceremony and they should be nervous because it is their first time here but they're not. 

 

Because they know each other more intimately than Erin thinks they have ever known each other before, because they have other people here as companion and teacher, but at the same time they are completely alone but for one another and that has made their bond iron-clad. 

 

Jillian's hands sing across her body as she arches back into the soft furs beneath them and Erin could almost laugh because she's such a damn natural even here, can pick up the vein of Erin's desire seamlessly that Erin wonders not for the first time if their connection runs deeper and more permanent than surface level. If their minds connect, too. 

 

She pushes into Erin for the first time, gently,  _ softly _ , and her body protests but it's lovely because they've been together so, so many times but not often like this, not for the very first time, and the tears come unbidden because she knows how much of a goddamn privilege this is that they have that here. 

 

She tries to take her turn after Jillian brings her to her first release but she's not having it, pushes Erin back down and moves down her body with a smile on her face and a gleam in her eye that says  _ I love this  _ and  _ I love you  _ and  _ I could spend all night between your thighs  _ and _ how are we ever going to leave our chambers again  _ and it's all Erin can do to sigh and hold on when Jillian's mouth closes over her. 

 

The blonde is quivering when Erin finally has her turn, whether in anticipation or exertion Erin's not exactly sure and it feels a little like cheating because she can play Jillian's body like a maestro by now. 

 

She knows exactly which notes to hit and where to kiss to make her lose her breath, and Jillian buries her hands in Erin's hair and her nails rake down Erin's back in her eagerness and surprise in the pleasure and she cries too, when it's all over, because she never knew it could be this beautiful. 

 

They leave the chambers the next day and their steward appraises them with a smirk when she accompanies the servants in with their breakfast tray, a rare morning where they're not expected to rise with the sun to honour the significance of the night previous. 

 

“I see the cats spend the night with you in bed,” she says with a smirk before she leaves them to it, the servants smiling at the comment too, and Erin's confused until she catches sight of Jillian's back and neck in the soft light, covered in scratches and sunbursts of purple and pink. 

 

She ducks her head in embarrassment before the steward looks back from the door. 

 

“We wear the marks of our lovers with pride, young one. They are a demonstration of your bond. Don't ever be ashamed of that.”

 

(And Erin doesn't, not for a hundred years.)

 

“Hear that,” Jillian says with a smile after they are left alone, the cats yawning in the dawn light on their own furs at the foot of their bed. “They're a good thing. Do you suppose that means I'm to leave you with more?”

 

“It can't do any  _ harm _ ,” Erin says with a smirk because this body is young and hungry. 

 

Their breakfast stays untouched for hours. 

  
  


-

  
  


They exist in a peaceful equilibrium here, holding court and honing their own skills and hunting and honouring the earth. Their subjects are peaceful and the days pass easily until one day a group of hunters from a land far away stumble across their small civilisation, and for the first time they are truly tested as leaders. 

 

The sentries on the walls and in the jungle spot them from miles away and Erin and Jillian are alerted, leaving their court sitting early to greet the strangers at the entry to the city. 

 

Their dress is practical but fine, the stones of their coronation glow at their wrists and around Erin's neck, and they look every bit the royalty as befits them when the group of men reach them. 

 

Erin trains her face, keeps it calm and measured but keen and steady, and her thumb slips over the small dagger sewn into the pocket of her dress as they approach. 

 

“Hello brothers,” Erin says cordially as the group stop and one steps forward. “You've come a long way.”

 

They have, Erin can tell. Their clothes are tattered and their visage unkempt and they look hungry. And exiled. 

 

It's not a frequent occurrence here but it does happen, when a group or individual rebel against the careful rules of their idyllic societies causing friction, violence even, and they are banished before their poison can spread. 

 

These men are young but old enough to know right from wrong and Erin suspects that is why they've found themselves in this position. 

 

“We have,” one of them says, the one who stepped forth as their leader apparent. His accent is strange to her ears, familiar but unfamiliar too. “We are tired and hungry. Are we welcome here?”

 

“All those who will abide by our rules are welcome,” Erin says carefully, looking over the shabby state of the men behind him. “Set your weapons down and come. I'll show you where you can rest.”

 

The other men look to the leader a little cautious but he nods, reluctantly too Erin notes, as he drops the knife at his waist to his feet and Erin's guards walk forward and collect them. 

 

Erin turns, taking Jillian's hand in her own as they walk with their cats on each side and Erin hears the hurried whispers of the men behind them, a crude statement catching as they walk to the area set aside on the outskirts of the village for visitors. 

 

It's crass and a little malicious and she feels Jillian bristle beside her. 

 

“You may stay here for a few days,” Erin says with a clipped tone as she gestures towards the tents and they blanch when they realise Erin has heard them. “Once you have gathered your strength you can move on.”

 

“One more thing,” Jillian says coldly, her hand holding Erin steady as she moves to turn away. “Your speech is your own but make another comment like that and I'll have your hands.”

 

“Is that a threat?” One of the men asks with a scowl. 

 

“Yes,” Jillian says plainly, meeting the man's eyes easily before she gestures to the guards with them. “I want someone with them at all times, understood?”

 

The guard nods, his hand tightening around the shaft of his spear as his eyes settle on the small band of men. 

 

“Someone will fetch you to supp with us later and you can tell us the tale of how you come to be here,” Erin says without looking back, her cat growling heavily at her heels as they walk towards the village centre. 

 

“Something about them is wrong,” Jillian says as soon as they are out of earshot. 

 

“I know,” Erin says with a troubled frown. “I'll ask the elders to join us this evening. They can help decide what we do with them.”

 

“You think they might need to be held accountable for something?” Jillian asks her as they walk into the calm of the palace. 

 

“Yes,” Erin says without blinking. “I can feel it cling to them like a ghost. Can't you?”

 

“Yes,” Jillian says just as easily. “Should we send a few runners to ask questions?”

 

“In the morning,” Erin says shaking her head to look at Jillian with a smile. “Let's not let them trouble us now, the guards will have it in hand. I believe I was halfway to beating you at this new game of yours?”

 

“Beating me? You wish,” Jillian says with a scoff and a smirk as they turn into the room that acts as a library here, a store for their history. “Come my Queen. I'll show you how wrong you are.”

  
  


-

  
  


The invite the men to dine with them and they do look a little better showered and clean but barely, the arrogance in their step as ugly as their general presence. 

 

They give little information as to why they are travelling so far from home, only divulging that they left bored with the ways of their people, wanting to seek out new adventures, which Erin knows for a lie in seconds. 

 

The elders allow them a few days shelter before announcing they must move on and the men, more than a little put out at being set aside so quickly, agree. 

 

“There is evil that follows them,” their steward says as she walks Jillian and Erin back to their chambers after the meal is done and the men dismissed. 

 

“I know,” Erin says again with a frown. “We will send runners at first light to the nearby villages.”

 

“Good,” the woman says nodding as they part. “I will join the guards for their watch tonight, I think.”

 

“Thank you,” Jillian says before she bows, and they are left alone. 

 

Their cats are restless tonight, curling round and round their feet, Jillian's spotted nipping at the bare skin above her ankles before she gives in and sinks to her knees, taking the cat into her arms. 

 

“What would you have us do?” Erin asks the enormous cat before it mewls like a kitten, licking Erin's face. “Lick them to death? Wonderful. Ferocious, aren't you?”

 

Jillian laughs from the end of the bed where she's sitting with Erin's cat draped across her legs, running her hand down the cats back as it purrs contently. 

 

Erin smiles as a thought crosses her mind and she pads over to the open window at the end of their chambers. She gestures to Jillian's cat and to her own too and they both pad silently over to join Erin, pushing through the soft draped linen curtains as they look over the edge to the darkening jungle outside. 

 

The light is falling but from here Erin can just make out the camp where the men are staying, a few torches illuminating their position. 

 

“What do you say we give them a little show?” Erin says as she bends down to the cats with a smile. “I don't think our friends have seen your like before. Shall we show them who truly rules here?”

 

Erin stands, her hands on the edge of the window, smiling when she feels Jillian come and stand behind her. 

 

The cats start sniffing, their breathing turning short and broken as they warm their throats and then they open their mouths and  **_roar_ ** . 

 

The sound is magnificent and echoes through Erin's entire body, ringing in her heart and shifting through her chest down to the tips of her fingers. She feels her arms break out in goosebumps, watching as Jillian's arms around her waist do the same. 

 

The noise travels easily down into the valley of the village and Erin watches with a distinct hit of pleasure as the light at the men's camp flickers with their nervous movements, unarmed as they are. 

 

The cats draw the sound out as long as they can, their bodies shaking with the effort before the call retreats back into their lungs and they settle on either side of the women. 

 

The answering call of warning cries and war screams from the sentries scattered through the jungle in response has almost as strong effect as the cats call, Erin shivering as their subjects answer the sound of the cats calling to them, and Erin knows if the men didn't consider themselves warned before, they do now. 

 

“Come to bed, love,” Jillian says, her arms warm around Erin's middle as one of them slides lower and lower to glance the core of her as Erin leans her weight back into the blonde. “Let me take the worry from your shoulders. The guards will be fine tonight, we'll deal with the men in the morning.”

 

“Distract me?” Erin asks, turning in the blonde's arms. 

 

Her heart feels heavy all of a sudden, burdened by the men's appearance aknew with more than the weight of this world’s woes but of those that came before, and the ones Erin knows will follow. 

 

“Distract you. Tempt you. I'll tie you to the bed if it'll stop your mind from worrying,” Jillian says with a smirk as she turns Erin back towards the bed and the cats start to coil and roll together like snakes. 

 

“Promise?” Erin asks with a fire in her eyes that Jillian answers seamlessly. 

 

The cats moan beneath them for hours. 

  
  


-

  
  


Erin wakes in the middle of the night, lost. 

 

It doesn't happen often but sometimes she will rise, her mind foggy and her heart unsure as her body struggles to fall in line with its position in this grand journey. 

 

Because it takes its toll. 

 

Not visibly physically at least because physically Erin is perfect, more perfect than she's ever been in her life but she can feel the strain on the way her atoms are held together, like her whole body has been put through a centrifuge and no one's ever turned it off. 

 

Her ears are ringing and her face is warm and she starts to panic for a second so she swings her legs out of bed, not wanting to wake Jillian, and makes her way over to the window.  

 

The cats both raise their heads sleepily from the floor, watching her movements, sniffing the air for her pulse and her beast makes to move before she raises her hand silently, signalling that she'll be ok as she places her palms on the cool ledge. 

 

All is quiet below her, the jungle beautifully at peace, a few flickering torches moving slowly around the edges of the village the only visible hint of life. She can hear it though, the jungle inhaling and exhaling gently in the dark, and Erin tries to slow her breathing in an attempt to match it. 

 

She feels something heavy and warm brush against her legs and looks down to see her feline companion at her side, regardless of her assurance, and she smiles as she bends down and wraps her arms around the animal's huge neck, breathing in deeply before flexing her fingers through it's fur. 

 

“You're not good at listening, huh?” Erin whispers as she pulls away and the cat bares its teeth as if to say  _ yes, well neither are you.  _

 

Jillian stirs then, the cool half of the bed waking her as she rolls looking for Erin and she leans up on an elbow sleepily as she looks to Erin with a dopey smile, her hair a mess. She brings her arm up to push it away from her face and the heavy bangle that represents their rule and marriage falls down her arm, the stones catching in the moonlight and Erin's breath does too because she's  _ beautiful _ . 

 

“Come back to bed, Erin,” Jillian rasps a little sleep heavy. “Let the cats watch for us tonight.”

 

Erin smiles as she pads back over to the bed, the lightness of her nightgown fluttering in the breeze as the cats take sentry post at the foot of the bed like statues. 

 

One of them yawns and the flicker of a candle on the wall slides along the long white of it's enormous canines as Erin settles into Jillian's arms, reassured, smiling when she shivers a little against the cool of her skin. 

 

“Maybe you should have stayed out of bed,” Jillian grumbles as she pulls Erin tighter to her. 

 

“Oh, I can sleep on the furs if you'd prefer,” Erin says calling her bluff as she tries to move against the iron grip Jillian now has her in. 

 

“Don't you dare,” Jillian says to the soft hair at the nape of Erin's neck. “Stay with me. Forever?”

 

“Forever,” Erin says as she closes her eyes and lets sleep take her. 

  
  


-

  
  


She wakes to a distinctly unpleasant sensation of warm sandpaper down her forearm, groaning as she rolls over only to find another vehicle of the same kind of torture waiting for her there. 

 

Her cat is at the side of her bed, Jillian's up next to her while the woman in question leans against the door of their chambers, a plate of fruit in hand. 

 

“I told them to come and wake you if you weren't already up,” Jillian says with a smirk as she pushes off the frame and walks over towards the bed. 

 

“I'll remember this the next time you have an early lesson and I don't,” Erin says with a growl before she rolls over, trying to take the linen and furs and shield her eyes. 

 

“Help, please,” Jillian says to the cats and they take the covers gently in their mouths and pull, baring Erin's skin to the warmth of the morning. 

 

“I'll remember this too, the next time the two of you want to go hunting at night and the gates are closed,” Erin says a little grumpily as she begrudgingly sits up in bed. “Have I slept long?” 

 

“Not at all, we have an hour or so before we have to be at court,” Jillian says with a smile as she takes a seat next to Erin on the edge of the bed. “Grape?”

 

Erin nods as she opens her mouth and accepts the piece of fruit, catching Jillian's finger between her teeth when she tries to take it away. 

 

“You're as bad as they are,” Jillian says with a frown as she gestures to the cats. “They've asked us to wear our best, by the way. The Elders. I think they want to make a ceremony out of this.”

 

“Is that a good idea?” Erin asks with a frown. “Wouldn't it be better to deal with them in quiet and be done with it?”

 

“I think they want to make an example out of them,” Jillian says with an answering frown. “Make sure others know they're not welcome to seek refuge here as outlaws.”

 

“I understand that,” Erin says still troubled. “I just….I don't know, something feels off? I don't know how else to explain it.”

 

“I know,” Jillian says as she runs her hand over Erin's thigh. “Take your knife, hmmm?” 

 

“Of course,” Erin says as she pulls herself more fully out of bed. “You too?”

 

Jillian pats the inside of her own thigh where Erin knows a small knife bound to a leather cord rests strapped to her leg any time she leaves the confines of their chamber. 

 

“The bigger one,” Erin says frowning as she pushes the cat off her feet and swings out of bed, rolling her eyes when Jillian smirks. “God, it's too early for that.”

 

“It's never too early for  _ that _ ,” Jillian says as she sets the fruit down and pushes Erin back into their furs. 

 

“You do have a point,” Erin says with a smile as she slides her hands up Jillian's bare back, pushing the straps of her gown down and off her shoulders. “An hour you said?”

 

“Yes,” Jillian mumbles, her lips hot against Erin's pulse. “ _ Plenty _ of time.”

  
  


-

  
  


The village is buzzing in the morning when they finally make their way from the palace to the other grand structure used for holding court across the river, people stopping to press things into their hands as they walk. 

 

The building is a miracle, to Erin's eyes at least, almost unbelievable given the technology available to them. It's single storied but high vaulted, the columns made of enormous blocks of black glass, mined obsidian from their quarries. 

 

The men are waiting for them, corralled into a group at the front of the large glittering room as Erin and Jillian and their cats file in down the middle of the court, flanked by guards on each side, before they take their place, standing before the thrones piled high with furs waiting for them. 

 

They stand as the room fills with villagers, all also in their finery, the gold draped over them all a display of their wealth and power to the unwelcome outsiders. 

 

They look more threatening today, their anger exacerbating the disdain and vague danger in their eyes and they all frown heavily at Erin and Jillian as they gesture for the crowd gathered to be at ease as they sit themselves. 

 

Their steward speaks for them first, giving background and context to the villagers who hold their judgement until the woman gives a number of reports of violence from neighbouring villages as the men have moved from settlement to settlement, stealing and inciting hate. 

 

This isn't news to them, their advisors having filled Erin and Jillian in on the way to court but it is to their subjects, and Erin feels the mood change like a cloud passing over the room as they growl their own disdain back at the men who have come into their world, unwelcome and unwanted. 

 

The steward steps down from the altar she stands upon with Erin and Jillian to walk towards them, giving them a choice; their lives in exchange for a promise of sincerity, a declaration that their behaviour will end. 

 

They scoff, rolling their eyes at the idea of being able to get away so easily but Erin knows the truth here, that one of the women behind her will light a candle with the essence of their bodies tonight, will call from the jungle the power to end the men with her breath if the Elders catch wind of a single incident in their wake. 

 

Erin stands as Queen, regal in deep  _ deep _ navy as she walks over to the group and repeats the offer, emphasising to the men that the consequences are serious and very real and that no matter their feelings towards them, should not be held in jest. 

 

Erin can feel Jillian's eyes on her back, the blonde resplendent in gold behind her. She doesn’t need to turn to know Jillian is already lifting off the edge of her seat, her hand poised on the knife at her thigh beneath the layers of fine silk, and Erin does the same to the blade at her own back as she takes another step towards them. 

 

Their leader steps forward, accepting the offer as he bows but one of his men sneers behind and the others follow him and Erin watches as something peculiar passes through the group. 

 

It happens very quickly and all in  _ slow motion _ at the same time. 

 

The men split quickly, pushing back at the guards around them and it’s an action that wouldn't normally have been successful at all but the guards are at a disadvantage in their numbers and the strangers act quickly and violently. 

 

They don't actually manage to get hands on any of their weapons, their warriors are too skilled for that, but they do knock a couple of the guards down before three of them advance on Erin. 

 

She has her hand on her own knife, perfectly capable of taking one or two of them but her heart fluttering at the thought of three before she hears the flurry of swift movement behind her. 

 

She can hear the gasp as Jillian lunges, sliding the knife at her side as fluid as breathing but her cat beats Jillian to the man, both of them do. 

 

An enormous black blur throws itself onto the man closest to Erin as the second gold and black shape hits the man next in line, their teeth and claws taking no prisoners, killing both of the would-be attackers almost instantly. 

 

Jillian descends on the third man like a shadow, knocking him out cold with a furious punch weighted with the handle of her knife as the guards fall on the other men instantly, pushing them all down into the floor as they eliminate the threat. Jillian kicks the man roughly to ensure his unconscious state before she steps for Erin, sliding her arm around Erin's side to stop her shivering. 

 

The cats are prowling around the two of them in a circle, snarling and growling low, baring their teeth to anyone who would dare come close as Jillian slides the knife out of Erin's slightly shaking hand, slotting it into the sheath at her lower back. 

 

The blonde stands tall and takes Erin's hand as she leads them both over to the group of subdued men, all of them shaking with fear as the cats drop their jaws and snap at their faces pressed into the stone floor. 

 

“Imbecilic. You understand the price of your crime?” Jillian says clearly to the men and they grunt apology after apology but Jillian isn't having a word of it as she snaps at the guards. “Stand them up.”

 

“If you'd succeeded in killing my Queen you'd have suffered for the next fifty years, do you understand me?” Jillian says to the man at the head of their rough formation. “I would have breathed life back into your body in order to have you suffer more. You have  _ no idea _ how lucky you are.”

 

She looks to the crowd of villagers assembled, all visibly shaken but their heads high and strong in the face of the violence. 

 

“I propose death for all but one so that he might live as a warning as punishment for attempted regicide,” Jillian says to the crowd. “Do you oppose or approve?”

 

“We approve,” the gathered say clearly, nodding in agreement at Jillian's decision. 

 

“Choose your survivor,” Jillian says to the group roughly. “Your deaths will be clean but the verdict is absolute. I will not have you beg for your lives, you do not deserve it. You do not deserve the mercy we are prepared to show.”

 

The men all babble at Jillian, their words lost in a haze but Erin watches her eye looks through the group, searching for a flicker of innocence amongst their numbers. 

 

“The boy,” Jillian says gesturing to a young man crying in the back, not much older than the two of them. “Bring him forward.”

 

He's dragged and dropped at their feet and Jillian bends to meet him, taking the scruff of his collar between her hands. 

 

“Tell me your part in this,” Jillian asks coldly. “Do not lie or I'll have you killed last, understand?”

 

He nods as he cries, mumbling a tale of woe as hard as one Erin has ever heard, orphaned and taken up with the group as a boy and inducted into a life of violence largely against his will. 

 

“Why didn't you rebel?” Jillian asks unmoved. “Why didn't you question them? Why didn't you run?”

 

“I was a coward,” the boy admits, wiping his nose roughly on his shirt. “I was a coward but I'm not a murderer.”

 

“But you  _ almost _ were,” Jillian says with a dismissive glance as she stands. “He lives. The others don't. Do it outside, I don't want the stain to poison the stone. Bury them outside the wall. Give the boy some fresh travelling garb and then throw him out too. I don't want to look at his face anymore.”

 

The guards nod and their steward follows them outside, signalling her approval to Jillian's actions with a light touch of her hand on the blonde's arm, looking to Erin for reassurance that she is unharmed too. 

 

“I'm fine,” Erin says when the woman pauses, gesturing to Jillian's grip on her. “Do what needs to be done. We will meet later.”

 

The guards lead the men out and as soon as they're clear of the structure the assembly of villagers falls to their knees, whispering prayers and songs of thanks that Erin remains unharmed and thanks for Jillian's mercy. 

 

The cats stop moving as the room falls silent and roar a ferocious warning that cuts through the court like a knife, the villagers unflinching as they nod in recognition of the sign. 

 

Erin drops too, wraps her arms around both animals as she whispers a thanks to them as well, pulling Jillian into her arms when she lowers herself to join them all. 

 

The hum in the room around them is like an embrace and they both relax into it, letting it warm them and settle Erin's still-racing pace before their steward walks back into the hall a time later, wiping her blade on a rag before handing the scrap of fabric to the woman at her side. 

 

She kneels down beside the queens, head bowed submissively before the cats and they sniff at her before they turn up their noses and refocus their attention on Erin and Jillian. 

 

“It's done,” she says simply and Erin breathes easier. 

 

“The boy?” Jillian asks as she pulls Erin closer to her side. 

 

“Gone with fresh provisions and a change of garments,” the steward confirms. 

 

“Good,” Jillian says with a nod before fixing her vision on the woman in front of them. “Thank you.”

 

“Of course,” the woman says smiling gently, her face soft and hidden from the others, revealing a hint of the mother and guardian that has watched both their entire lives. “Come now. I think you should rest. I'm sure your people won't begrudge you an early retirement for the day.”

 

She stands, offering her hands to Erin and Jillian who accept the gesture and rise. They walk silently between the rows of people still gathered, their heads bowed low, out and into the sunlight. 

 

The warmth hits her face and Jillian's hand tightens in her own as their cats take their place at their sides and everything around her feels easier,  _ cleansed _ . 

 

They have years here before they shift, wrapped in Jillian's cloak at the change of seasons when the chill finds the air.

 

The peace from their reign stays with Erin for decades. 

  
  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I did writing this one.
> 
> (I want a cat like theirs so bad) 
> 
> I'd love to hear what you thought of this if you made it to the end. Stop by or come say hi on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com) too!
> 
> x


	7. seven.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin wakes in a world stunningly similar to her own where Jillian is a dance instructor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi team, 
> 
> I hope everyone's had a lovely weekend!
> 
> This chapter is a little bit of fun before a chapter that's a little bit angst-ier (but not too bad, don't worry) so enjoy a bit of unashamed happiness.
> 
> xx

-

  
  


**seven.**

dance instructor au. 

  
  


-

  
  


In another world Erin wakes to a place strikingly similar to their prime one, only here she is a chemist instead of a physicist, and here she is alone. 

 

She heads up a team at one of the largest research and development companies in the country and her work is wonderful, but her life is  _ lonely _ .

 

She has dated, sparingly over the years if the memory that she wakes with is correct (which it always is) but without Jillian she's never been able to settle, and at some stage she just stops trying to fill the gap. 

 

And it's monotonous but here Erin likes that, the routine warm and familiar. She wakes up and goes to work and comes home to her lovely apartment and she's happy. As happy as she can be, anyway, without Jillian. 

 

The morning she wakes up in this world she arrives at work and is accosted by two of her colleagues, friends she would say even, the second she walks into the lab and pulls on her crisp white coat. 

 

“We're taking you out tonight,” one of the women says with a smile. 

 

“What?” Erin asks a little confused. 

 

“We're taking you out tonight,” the other clarifies. “We're going to a dancing class and we're taking you with us.”

 

“I don't dance,” Erin says with a snort as she tries to walk past them casually but the two women stand in her way, their hands on their hips blocking her way. 

 

“We don't care,” one of them says. “We've worked with you for three years now Erin and we've stood by and allowed this lonely little life you've set yourself in for long enough. You're beautiful and smart and a catch, and we intend to make that known to the eligible men of the city.”

 

“Women,” Erin says correcting them a little shyly. “Eligible  _ women _ out there.”

 

“Ohhhh,” they say to each other, looking pleased at the discovery not put off. “Well then, eligible  _ women _ it is. We'll pick you up at seven. Wear something sexy, ok?”

 

“And if I don't get ready, what are the chances you'll hold me down and do it for me?” Erin asks frowning, trying to gauge the probability of getting out of this little adventure. 

 

“Very high,” one of them says. “A certainty, in fact.”

 

“So, seven?” Erin asks, sighing heavily. 

 

“Yes,” the other says looking pleased as they both walk away. “Sexy and a little slutty, ok? That's bound to do the trick.”

  
  


-

  
  


“I don't even know what I'm doing here,” Erin grumbles to one of her colleagues as they stand in the back of the dance class, waiting awkwardly for the instructor to arrive. 

 

“You're here to branch out, Erin,” one of them says smiling, already eyeing up one of the spare men on the other side of the room. 

 

“Yes,” the other says. “And maybe meet the love of your life while you're at it.”

 

“Excellent,” Erin says sarcastically. “All for the low price of twenty dollars a session? That's a  _ bargain _ .”

 

Erin slips off the heavy coat she'd worn to class, feeling a little exposed in the deep, form-fitting navy dress she'd managed to find at the back of her wardrobe. 

 

“Wow,” one of her colleagues says, whistling. “That's what you've been hiding under that lab coat all this time? Jeez, Erin I don't think I'd kick you out of bed myself.”

 

“Oh, hush,” Erin says a little embarrassed. “You told me to dress appropriately and this was the closest thing I could find, ok?”

 

“I'm not complaining,” her friend says. “And neither are most of the guys in this room, I'd wager.” 

 

“What  _ is _ your type by the way?” The other woman asks Erin as she winks at her new friend across the room. “Are you into girly girls, or the ones that wear a lot of shirts or….”

 

“My type?” Erin says cynically. “I'd say, about five foot three, blonde, blue eyes, dimples, killer smile.”

 

Which of course is the exact moment that Jillian Holtzmann, dance instructor, chooses to walk into the door of her class in a red dress that almost stops Erin's heart. 

 

“Like  _ that _ ?” One of the women asks with a laugh as she watches Jillian sweep into the room, her dress fluttering behind her.

 

“Yeah,” Erin says utterly transfixed, her heart thumping madly in her chest. “Just like that.”

 

Jillian breezes in, past several small groups smiling at everyone, touching a couple of people lightly on the arm before her eyes catch Erin's and she stops still. 

 

She changes direction smoothly, moving towards their group on heels that make Erin's mouth dry before she stops in front of the three of them. 

 

“I don't think I've seen you ladies here before, have I?” Jillian asks with a brilliant smile, looking to the others but her eyes settling on Erin. 

 

“No,” one of Erin's colleagues says with a smile as she pushes Erin forward slightly. “We're new. We're trying to find a prospective wife for our friend Erin here.”

 

Erin feels her heart drop at her friend’s forwardness but it doesn't seem to phase Jillian who just smiles wider at Erin. 

 

“Is that right?” Jillian asks with a smirk. “And how do the prospects seem so far? Much potential?”

 

“Yeah, you could say that,” the other asks Erin, elbowing her in the ribs gently. “Right, Erin? What were you saying your type was? Blonde hair, blue eyes….”

 

“Enough,” Erin squeaks, mortified as everyone but her smiles broadly. 

 

“Well, I have to do the rounds very quickly before we begin but let me know if you end up without a partner, Erin, was it?” Jillian asks with a smirk. “I'd be more than happy to fill in.”

 

She gives Erin a parting wink before she sweeps off again, pressing a kiss to the cheek of the woman she greets next and Erin tries not to feel a little twinge of jealousy at the sign of affection.   

 

She knows she needn't worry though, because Jillian's gaze keeps finding her the entire time she passes through the other attendees, settling on Erin when she claps finally, drawing everyone's attention. 

 

“Alright team, welcome to tango lessons,” Jillian says animatedly. “I'll be your driver for this evening, Jillian Holtzmann for those of you that are new. Jill for those that aren't. Now, what do you say we get started? If I could get you to partner up that would be neat, don't be afraid to go and grab a complete stranger if you're here alone.”

 

Erin smiles as both of the ladies at her sides take off across the room, pairing off with the two young men they'd been eyeing up earlier, so it's a moment then before she realises she's actually going to have to find a partner herself. 

 

She looks around the room a little alarmed to find almost everyone is already paired off, holding hands tentatively waiting for Jillian to start. She sighs, about to turn and try to slip discreetly out of the room when she feels a warm arm slide around her waist. 

 

“Lucky me,” Jillian says with a smile as she moves into Erin's body, holding out her hand for Erin to take. 

 

“Lucky you?” Erin asks, a little flushed at the proximity and warmth and  _ gosh _ , that dress really does wonders for her cleavage.

 

“Lucky me, I managed to snag you before anyone else did,” Jillian says with a smirk, as though that should have been obvious. “If you'll have me that is?”

 

“Of course,” Erin says blushing deeper as she slips her hand willingly into Jillian's. “I'll have to apologise now though, I'm really no dancer.”

 

“Nonsense,” Jillian said easily. “Everyone's a dancer, I'll show you. You don't mind being the example with me, do you?”

 

“Do I have a choice?” Erin asks with a frown. 

 

“Nope,” Jillian says with an easy smile, leading Erin towards the middle of the room gently. 

 

She catches the eye of both of her friends on the way to the front of the class, trying to ignore the smiles and winks before Jillian stops them both, holding Erin's hand up daintily. 

 

“This is my beautiful apprentice for the evening, Erin, she and I will demonstrate the steps and then you can follow along. Easy?”

 

The class all nods and Erin doesn't fail to notice the few mildly jealous looks on the faces of some of the people in the crowd as Jillian takes Erin's hand in hers, sliding the other around her waist again. 

 

“You'll want to take your partner like this,” Jillian says, demonstrating the position of both her hands again, making Erin shiver. “Now, this is tango so you're going to need to have your partner nice and close, ok? Just like this.”

 

She pulls at the small of Erin's back gently, sliding her leg between Erin's and Erin feels her whole body go warm in response as her hearing sort of fades out. 

 

She can hear Jillian speaking in the background, moving both their bodies gently as she walks through the steps but Erin doesn't hear anything but white noise and the feel of her heartbeat falling into sync with Jillian's slowly. 

 

“Ok,” Jillian says a little louder, snapping Erin out of her haze. “Cue the music, and we’ll get this show on the road.”

 

“You ok?” Jillian asks Erin gently as she moves them into position, adjusting Erin's hand on her shoulder. “Still with me?”

 

“Of course,” Erin says smiling back, moving her body a little closer. “Sorry, you're a very good leader. It's easy to relax into it, I guess.”

 

“Only when I've got a good partner,” Jillian says with a smile as she yells something over Erin's shoulder to the class, and they begin. 

 

“And are you normally this welcoming to your students,”

Erin says with a smirk as she looks down to the position of their bodies. 

 

“I don't normally demonstrate with a partner, actually,” Jillian says picking up Erin's thread seamlessly. “I normally use other couples as examples.”

 

“Oh,” Erin says surprised. “Why is that?”

 

“Tango is an intimate dance, Erin. I don't dance tango with just  _ anyone _ ,” Jillian says smoothly as she moves them quicker around the room. 

 

She's a brilliant dancer in this world, Erin thinks briefly as they spin, not that she's not in others, or their own, but they've never  _ really _ danced like this before. Their bodies are almost sealed together from chest to knee, and Erin actually feels as though she's not actually doing terribly under Jillian's drive. 

 

“Oh?” Erin asks with a raised eyebrow as Jillian turns them, her leg pushing between Erin's again. 

 

It's almost dangerous because they're both wearing dresses and they've both got bare legs, and they're dangerously close to coming into contact full skin on skin higher than would normally be considered appropriate between strangers only they're  _ not _ , but Jillian doesn't know that. 

 

“Mmmhmmm,” Jillian says casually as she throws another instruction over Erin's shoulder although the look she gives Erin is anything but. “Only the ones I can't take my eyes off the minute they walk through the door.”

 

“Ones?” Erin asks with a smirk. 

 

“One,” Jillian corrects seriously as she catches Erin's eye genuinely. “Only one.”

 

The music starts to get a little more intense in the background and Erin's worked her body up into a warmth that settles across her cheeks as a blush as Jillian's hand slides lower and lower. 

 

It brushes the top of Erin's ass ever so lightly and their faces are close together too, their lips only an inch apart. Erin’s focus narrows entirely, absolutely, and then suddenly they stop abruptly as the song ends. 

 

“You're a natural at that, Erin,” Jillian says, not moving back a fraction in spite of the lack of music, the only background noise the happy chattering of the class around them. 

 

“Good teacher,” Erin manages to mumble out as she tries to drag her eyes away from Jillian's lips. 

 

“What do you think,” Jillian says as her hand slides across Erin's lower back again, teasing. “Have I piqued your interest enough to come again?”

 

“You could say that,” Erin says gulping heavily as they break apart and pull back for a second. “Say, you don't happen to have any plans later tonight, do you? Just, you know to get the girls off my back.”

 

“What were you saying about getting you on your back?” Jillian asks, her smile wicked as she takes Erin's hand for the next song. 

  
  


-

  
  


“And you  _ definitely _ don't do this with your other students, right?” Erin says with a gasp as Jillian pushes her up against the inside of her front door. 

 

“Definitely not,” Jillian says with a smirk as Erin's hands wind into her hair. “But, there's a first time for everything, right?”

 

“Yeah, and hopefully a last,” Erin says with a smile as she drags her nails down the blonde’s scalp, a movement that makes  _ her _ Jillian moan without fail. 

 

“Jesus, Erin,” Jillian moans in response to Erin's hands. “How do you seem to know exactly what I like?”

 

Erin smirks as her head falls back against the door and Jillian's lips fix at the junction of neck and shoulder and suck, hard. 

 

“Oh, Jillian,” Erin says with a growl that moves through both of them. “You haven't seen  _ anything _ yet.”

  
  


-

  
  


They half-destroy Erin's apartment in the process of their coming together, falling finally in a pile of hastily drawn up blankets in the middle of the living room, chaos around them. 

 

The furniture is askew, everything that was on a flat surface now scattered somewhere across the ground illuminated softly by the light of the moon as Erin tries to draw in a deep enough breath to settle her roaring pulse. 

 

“Holy  _ shit _ ,” Jillian says beside her, her arms and legs interwoven with Erin's as they lay side by side on the floor, part of a blanket pulled over some of their skin, the rest bare to the night air. 

 

“I know,” Erin says a little shakily as she leans up on an elbow to look at Jillian. 

 

“It's not just me, right?” Jillian asks with a puzzled smile on her face. “That was really, really good?” 

 

“Really,  _ really _ good,” Erin confirms as she leans down and places a messy kiss to the blonde’s lips. “Look at the state of my apartment, I don't know how I'll walk tomorrow.”

 

“I'm glad I'm not the only one,” Jillian says smiling, her grin widening as she takes Erin's chin between her fingers and turns her head. “Hoo-boy, you're going to want to wear a scarf tomorrow, Ms Gilbert. Sorry.”

 

“You think you're any different,” Erin says with a laugh as she looks down at the purple blossoms across Jillian's chest and neck. “I don't know how you're going to hide that with a tango dress.”

 

“I don't have class until next week,” Jillian says a little smug. “I'll be just fine.”

 

“Oh,” Erin says sounding a little disappointed. “You didn't want….I mean, this doesn't have to be a one-off. If you want?”

 

“Really?” Jillian says, her eyes lighting up at Erin's words. “I mean, I didn't want to assume but I think it'd be an affront to the universe if we didn't. Do that again, I mean?”

 

“I'm inclined to agree,” Erin says formally as she rolls on top of the blonde easily, eliciting a little squeak of surprise from her lips. “In fact, I think we should go again. Now. Just to make sure this isn't just a one-trick pony, you know?”

 

“I'm inclined to agree,” Holtz says echoing Erin's sentiment, smirking as she leans up and rolls them easily, pressing her weight down against Erin. 

 

“Now,” Jillian says, her expression wicked, as Erin throbs heavy against Jillian's thigh. “What was that you were saying about a one trick pony?” 

  
  


-

  
  
  


The girls pull the scarf away from her throat the second she walks through the door the next day and their ribbing is relentless but  _ god _ , it's worth it. 

 

Because her skin is glowing with the resonance of Jillian's touch and her number is saved to Erin's phone, a string of messages confirming another date warm in her pocket, and she can't remember ever being happier in this world. 

 

They go to dinner and can barely keep their hands off one another, the waitress giving them a slightly curious look when she brings their meals back to the table, following the line of Erin's arm as they sit side by side at the small table rather than across it. 

 

Jillian half gets her off in the cab ride home, Erin biting her lip to keep from making a noise before they can pour out and into her apartment where Jillian makes her come  _ again  _ and  _ again  _ and  _ again _ , until Erin has to push her off to catch her breath. 

 

She leaves in the morning for work with a fresh blush on her cheeks and a bruise on her neck, among other places too, the thought of dance class tonight hot on her shoulders as she shrugs off the girl’s continued teasing. 

 

Their connection is like a furnace here, not a slow crackling fire, gentle and warm. It burns hot and consumes and if Erin didn't know them, their bond as intimately as she did she'd be worried it was going to burn too bright but it doesn't. The fire feeds itself between their thighs and against their lips and Erin  _ smoulders _ in its wake. 

 

She arrives at class with the others, frowning at them as they push her towards the blonde who is positively beaming at her presence. 

 

“I'm glad you could come,” Jillian says as she places her hand on Erin's arm, different to how she greets everyone else, the touch lingering. “I wasn't sure you'd be able to make it.”

 

“Of course,” Erin says with a smile. “How could I miss an opportunity to see you?”

 

“You're a busy woman?” Jillian says shrugging, giving Erin a little out if she wants it.

 

“Not too busy for you,” Erin says with a low smile. “ _ Never _ too busy for you. Besides, this is our first class since….I was curious to see if I was any better at this dancing thing after….”

 

“You're a wonderful dancer anyway, Erin,” Jillian says with a soft smile. “But I think you'll be surprised. Add passion to something like this and sometimes you get fireworks.”

 

“And so you think we’ll….” 

 

“Yes,” Jillian says with a wicked smile, stopping Erin's question with one hot look. “But I think we should test that, just to be sure, hmmm?”

 

Erin bites her lip and nods as Jillian smiles brilliantly back at her before turning to the class and clapping her hands, bringing everyone together. 

 

“Alright everyone, let's get started shall we?” Jillian says in a clear voice to the room. Erin takes a step back, moving away from Jillian and the attention of the room before Jillian reaches out wicked fast and grabs her hand. “The lovely Ms Gilbert here has kindly offered to help me demonstrate the steps for us all this evening.”

 

Erin gives her a little scowl as she settles against Jillian's body tight, throwing a glare over Jillian's shoulder to her colleagues on the other side of the room currently giving her highly suggestive looks, but all that falls by the wayside once Jillian starts sweeping them around the room because she's right. 

 

_ God _ , how is she right. 

 

They move seamlessly together, the added layer of intimacy between them acting like a lightening rod for emotion and smoothness and Erin feels like she's moving over water and not solid ground. 

 

Their hips lock together and their breasts press against one another and she can feel Jillian's heartbeat in her own chest, and it takes her breath away until they pause at the height of the music. 

 

Erin's always been reasonably comfortable with her sexuality, is even more sure now, but she's never really felt  _ sexual _ like this until now, almost deity like, and she knows Jillian can feel the glow too. 

 

Jillian gives her a quick wink before she swings Erin out and dips her low once she settles perfectly against her body. Erin's leg comes up to wrap around Jillian's thigh for purchase and Jillian growls at her neck, and Erin's eyes blink  _ once _ but hesitate at the bottom of the movement. 

 

And then they  **shift** . 

  
  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun right?
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed, come say hi on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com) if you'd like, for those of you that haven't seen it there I posted a tiny bit of bonus content for this story that wasn't big enough to post here that you might like.
> 
> Thanks for reading and see you soon!
> 
> x


	8. eight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin wakes in a world that tests her more than all the others combined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is definitely one of the angstier chapters and it's also one of the more NSFW ones (I guess that's what happens when you write a stripper au? I bumped the rating up to an E just in case) so just read on with caution. 
> 
> The next chapter will be a little sunnier so if you're not into a bit of soul-rippling sadness hold out for that one ;)
> 
> If you're around for the ride, enjoy!
> 
> x

-

  
  


**eight.**

stripper au. 

  
  


-

  
  


“You know, this isn't what I imagined when you walked into the club a few weeks ago,” Jillian says with a smile as she wriggles a little, adjusting her position on top of Erin's lap. 

 

“Oh yeah?” Erin asks with an answering smirk. “What did you think was going to happen?”

 

“I don't know,” Jillian admits with a shrug. “You'd come in, have a drink, throw some money down and leave. Not this.”

 

“Is this a bad thing?” Erin asks as she runs her hands over Jillian's bare thighs possessively. 

 

“This is the  _ best _ thing,” Jillian says as she shivers beneath the intensity of Erin's gaze. “The absolute, height of my fantasies, golden ticket wish,  _ best _ thing.”

 

“Really?” Erin asks with a curious gaze. 

 

“Really,” Jillian confirms. 

 

“This doesn't happen with all your clients, does it?” Erin asks, not for the first time. And it's not that she doesn't trust Jillian here, more that she knows this is the means to an end here and she doesn't trust other people not to try and have what is arguably the most beautiful human she's seen in any version of any world. 

 

“Some of them have tried,” Jillian says as she smiles down at Erin, rolling her hips heavily down into Erin's lap. “And I can't say I have been tempted before, but none of them have been like you.”

 

“What do you mean, like me?” Erin asks, genuinely curious. 

 

“Irresistible,” Jillian replies, goosebumps breaking out over her arms as she looks down at Erin with a white hot gaze. “So much so I could barely breathe from the second I set eyes on you.”

 

“You're over exaggerating,” Erin says with a blush as her hands squeeze at soft skin. 

 

“Am I?” Jillian asks as she takes Erin's hand between them, sliding it between the layer of fabric separating them with a groan when Erin makes contact with her heat. 

 

“ _ Jillian _ ,” Erin says with a moan of disbelief, biting her lip to stop it getting any louder because good  **god** she's wet already and they've only just begun. 

 

She coaxes Erin's hand further in between their bodies, sliding down to the source of her arousal before guiding Erin in, without illusion or warning, and she groans heavily before she drops down against Erin's body.  

 

She's found herself leading more often than she would like in these worlds but she doesn't mind, not like this, not when this iteration of Jillian is so willing and so turned on by her power and dominance. 

 

Erin starts out with a few slow strokes but she goes deep, coming all the way out before pushing all the way in again and again and  _ again _ and Jillian starts writhing over her hand, pushing herself down onto Erin with more and more enthusiasm. 

 

“Do you want more?” Erin asks with her teeth thick in Jillian's neck, nipping at the skin before she pulls back and kisses hard over her teeth marks. 

 

Erin’s already two fingers knuckle deep and she knows that's normally more than enough but tonight Jillian just seems to need  _ more _ so Erin brings a third to press against her while she waits for Jillian's ok. 

 

It's hot and dirty and a little ruthless and she's shocked at the turn this world has taken but it's been such a  _ fucking long time  _ before Erin had set eyes on her in the club a few weeks ago, her body so starved of Jillian's skin and her taste and her soul that all she can do now is  _ take, take,  _ **_take._ **

 

Jillian scoots even closer to Erin’s chest, drives herself down onto Erin's fingers with reckless disregard for her own body as she nods, leaning down to take Erin's mouth to her own, her tongue sliding heavily into Erin's forcing a moan from her. 

 

She knows Jillian's body can feel it too, this elemental planetary collision between them messy and rough. That's why she's reacting so strongly to Erin because they've been craving each other for far too long and came far too close to breaking, and now it needs Erin to pull as much as it wants to push. 

 

“Yes, fuck yes,” Jillian says desperately as her body drives down. “God, Erin I don't know why but I need it so badly I can't breathe.”

 

“I know,” Erin says surging up to wind her spare hand roughly into blonde hair so she can pull them together. “So do I, Jill. Jesus. So do I.” 

 

Her tongue is in Jillian's mouth when she pushes in with three fingers, swallows the gasp with a deep groan and then gasps as Jillian bites down on her lip, almost sharp enough to draw blood when her knuckles settle in deep. 

 

She stills her hand for a moment, feels Jillian rise and fall over her fingers ever so softly as her body races to accommodate the stretch, her head bowed and her hair around her eyes. 

 

“Is it too much?” Erin asks with a worried glance beneath the edge of her hair, almost about to pull out, her wrist moving infinitesimally when Jillian's hand locks like a vice around it. 

 

“Don't you dare,” the blonde husks. “It's just….fuck….it's just a lot but God I want it. I  _ need _ it.”

 

“You sure?” Erin asks not convinced, but Jillian is already starting to move up and down so,  _ so _ slightly over her fingers. 

 

“Yes,” Jillian says as she captures Erin's lips against hers again. “I just need a second to get used to the stretch but fuck it feels good. It feels  _ so good _ Erin. You have no idea what it does to me having you inside me like this.”

 

“Really?” Erin asks when they part, her voice thick with lust and her eyes heavy with want. “I think I have some idea, you know?”

 

“You do?” Jillian asks as she throws her hair over her shoulder as she starts to grind a little more obviously. 

 

“Yeah,” Erin says a little smug as she leans in to Jillian's ear. “I do. Because I'm inside you. And you're  _ dripping _ , Jill.”

 

“Fuck, Erin,” Jillian moans at Erin's explicitness as her eyes flutter shut and she works herself up and down with more and more force. 

 

“I can't  _ wait _ to have you inside me like this,” Erin says next, driving her fingers as she feels Jillian start to relax around them a little more. “To be filled by you. You have no  _ idea _ how long I've waited for it. How much I've craved it.”

 

Years, Erin thinks. Fucking  _ years _ . 

 

“You can't wait? It was all I could think about when you walked into the club,” Jillian says as she hisses slightly at the pull around Erin's fingers. “God, you were such a vision and you looked like you had the world so heavy on your shoulders, all I wanted to do was set you on that bar and take you to pieces and make it all go away. Fuck anyone else in the room.”

 

“Soon?” Erin asks with a moan of her own as Jillian's breath hitches. 

 

“So fucking soon,” Jillian says as she bites her lip and starts rolling her hips, the movements becoming more and more erratic as she nears her own release. “God, Erin I'm going to fuck you until you can't breathe.”

 

It's always been passionate between them but this truly is something else. Because the time has made Erin ravenous and reckless, and she needs Jillian so badly she feels like she's about to come out of her skin. 

 

She doesn't though, not yet. That's Jillian's job first and she comes with a sob around Erin's fingers, her teeth deep in Erin's neck as her other hands pulls Jillian closer, so close they may as well be inhabiting one body and not two. 

 

She purrs around Erin's touch, her body shaking hard as Erin feels her  _ wet, wet, wet _ against her hand and it's almost,  _ almost _ , enough to make her come herself. 

 

“Jesus Christ, Erin,” Jillian gasps to the flushed skin of Erin's shoulder when she gathers enough air for a breath. 

 

“I don't think he's here,” Erin says with a laugh as she catches Jillian's lips for a hard kiss. 

 

“Thank fuck for that,” Jillian growls when she pulls back, her hands tangled tight in Erin's hair. “God, you're really something else. You know that, right?”

 

“I am not,” Erin says before she takes the blonde's breast into her mouth. 

 

“You are,” Jillian says as her hands tighten further. “Trust me. Do you think anyone else has ever made me come that hard? Do you think anyone else has unlocked every fucking secret of my body like you seem to have?”

 

“Luck,” Erin mumbles against her skin, totally distracted by the perfume of her body. Here. On top of her. In her hands. 

 

“It is not,” Jillian growls. “What do I have to do to get that through to you? Tie you to the bed and have my way with you until you agree?”

 

“I can think of worse ways to spend the afternoon,” Erin says with a smirk. “If you think it'll help you're welcome to try.”

 

“I have rope in my bag,” Jillian says with a smirk as she looks to the duffel she brought with her before looking back to Erin's almost black eyes. 

 

Her hands tighten in Erin's hair, tipping her head back for a kiss that makes Erin  _ ache _ before they slide down and close around her wrists, pinning them to the arm of the chair. 

 

“What do you say, Ms Gilbert. Want to play?”

  
  


-

  
  


They do and Erin pulls hard. 

 

Harder than she should, harder than she knows her body will forgive her for but she just needs to  _ feel.  _

 

She needs a reminder tomorrow beyond the ache between her eyes to tell her that this is real. Jillian was here, with her and inside her. 

 

Finally. 

 

Because the wait has been a stretch of her sanity and she has come too close to breaking this time, and if this is what she has to do in order to deal, then so fucking be it. 

 

She wakes sometime in the early morning to the quiet noise of someone trying to remove themselves from a room, looking up groggily to Jillian trying to stuff her things into her bag, hunched as she tries to hide the sound of her movements. 

 

“Where are you going?” Erin croaks, her voice rough from sleep and use last night. 

 

“I wasn't sure if you wanted me here when you woke,” Jillian says quietly. “I thought I'd just take myself off.”

 

“You don't have to go,” Erin says as she leans up on one side, the sheet falling back to expose her skin to the blonde. “If you don't want to. I mean, I don't have to go into work today and I have the room until the afternoon.”

 

“Really?” Jillian asks, obviously surprised at Erin's offer. 

 

“If you want,” Erin says, trying to shrug casually when really her blood is screaming at her to walk across the room, bring Jillian back to bed and never ever let her leave. 

 

“Of course I want,” Jillian says a little coyly, standing up and abandoning her attempt at tidying. “I just didn't know if that's what you wanted.”

 

“It's definitely what I want,” Erin says with a smile as she beckons the blonde back over towards the bed. “Now come back here, I think you owe me for waking me up.”

 

The words leave her mouth and she watches as the shape of a Jillian's body changes immediately. She stands up straighter, makes her body long as she  _ slinks  _ back over to the bed, crawling up from the foot of it like a cat before she climbs on top of Erin. She pulls the sheet back with minimal preamble before her mouth latches onto Erin's breast and Erin’s moans echo around the room. 

 

“Be careful what you wish for,” Jillian says with a smirk as she leans back to pull her own shirt off over her head. 

 

“ _ Never _ ,” Erin says with a low growl as she pulls the blonde to her, hard. “Now take me apart  _ Jillian _ , if you can.”

  
  


-

  
  


It's a few days until Erin sees Jillian again. 

 

She doesn't actually have Jillian's phone number here, she can't believe she forgot to ask before they'd parted ways at the hotel but she hadn't. So the only way they have of coming into contact with one another is for Erin to turn up at her work. 

 

And she would have walked in that door the next day if it weren't for her dreadful work schedule that keeps her wrapped up for the better part of the week until finally Erin snaps and throws in the towel early on Friday afternoon.

 

She knows it must look terrible, turning up to a strip club alone at three on a weekday afternoon but honestly, she couldn't give less of a shit because this is about her and Jillian and no one else in the goddamn world. 

 

The club is red and smoky when she walks in, the bouncer smiling at her in recognition before he waves her over to the bar. He gestures for the bartender to set her up with a drink, which she does, turning a glass of scotch into Erin’s hand the second she takes her seat. 

 

“Thanks,” Erin says with a slight hiss after she takes her first sip. 

 

“You're welcome,” the bartender says with a smile as her eyes turn Erin over appraisingly. “Hard week?”

 

“You have no idea,” Erin says as she takes another sip. 

 

“You know, I specialise in bad weeks,” the woman says as she looks over Erin with a heavier gaze. 

 

She's stunning, there's no doubt about that, and in any other world where Jillian Holtzmann didn't exist Erin probably would have agreed in a heartbeat, but she's not here for that. She's not here for anything other than the blonde she's currently searching the room for. 

 

“So does the blonde you were with the other night, too,” the woman says, registering Erin's distracted interest. 

 

“Is she here?” Erin asks as the rings on her finger clink against the glass in her hands. 

 

“She should be,” the woman says with a quick look around the room. “I'll check if you'd like?” 

 

Erin nods as she throws back the last of the glass, setting it down on the bar before the woman refills it, giving Erin one last wink before she walks off to find Jillian. 

 

She doesn't have to wait for her to return though, because out of the corner of her eye Erin catches a flash of blonde but the accompanying picture makes her blood run cold. 

 

It's Jillian, in all her long milky limbed glory, escorting a ridiculously attractive brunette in a suit not dissimilar to Erin's own towards the side of the club where Erin knows the private rooms are. 

 

She doesn't see Erin, too busy concentrating on the client whose lower back Jillian's hand is  _ just _ grazing, but Erin sees her. 

 

And Erin knows this happens, knows she has done this with other partners too since this horrible journey started but this is too much after the heartbreaking length between finding Jillian here. It's  _ far  _ too much and Erin feels sick. 

 

She doesn't wait for the waitress to get back, just pulls a hundred dollar bill out of her wallet, leaving it on top of her business card before she walks, no,  _ runs _ out. 

 

She turns the water to scalding when she gets back to her apartment, the penthouse, and doesn't step out until her skin is numb. 

 

And rationally, she knows Jillian isn't actually touching the other woman right now, knows she's only doing her job exactly the same as she's done for the last however many years that she's been doing this here but it's different now. It's different because she's here and this is real and Jillian is hers, like she is Jillian's, and now more than ever the thought of anyone else having her is too much to bear. 

 

Erin slides her hand between her legs when she settles beneath the sheets, brings herself to orgasm hard, her spare hand pinching punishingly at her nipple and she hisses when she comes before she rolls over, empty, and cries until the moon drops. 

  
  


-

  
  


The call in the morning surprises her, waking her up from the unbroken slumber that only comes from knowing you have nowhere to be, and it takes her a moment to orient herself before she pulls her phone to her ear. 

 

“Hello?” Erin says sleepily, rolling onto her back as she pulls the blankets higher around her neck with her other hand. 

 

“Erin?” The voice on the other end asks hesitantly. 

 

“Jillian?” Erin asks, recognising her voice instantly. 

 

“Yeah,” Jillian says in reply and Erin can almost hear the smile in her voice. “I wasn't sure if you'd know who it was….hey, look I don't know this is totally out of line but one of the girls said you were looking for me and you left your card, so I figured it would be ok for me to call….”

 

“I did. I mean it was. I mean….fuck. Yes,” Erin says, scalding her own inarticulacy. “I'm glad you called.”

 

“You are?” Jillian says, sounding genuinely surprised. 

 

“Yeah,” Erin says easily. “I am. I had an amazing night with you the other night.”

 

“It was something, huh?” Jillian asks and Erin can hear the wonder on her tongue. 

 

“That's one way to put it,” Erin says laughing a little. “Given we both had such a good time then, do you think you'd maybe want to….”

 

“Yes,” Jillian says quickly and Erin can't help but smile at her eagerness. “Whatever you're about to ask. Yes. I'm in.”

 

“Good,” Erin says smiling back down the phone. “Do you want to come to my place this time? No need to worry about check out times.”

 

“You trust me with your  _ real _ address?” Jillian asks surprised. “Erin Gilbert, you surprise me.”

 

“Well, you know where I work now,” Erin says in reference to the business card she can see Jillian playing with in her mind's eye as they talk. “No point in hiding anything else, right?”

 

“I suppose not,” Jillian says with a shrug. “I'll text you my address too. Just so we're on an even playing field.”

 

“You don't have t….”

 

“I know I don't,” Jillian says stopping Erin's voice in its tracks. “But I want to. Trust is important to me, Erin.”

 

“To me too,” Erin says with smile as she rolls over. “So, I'm not actually doing anything today. If you want to come….”

 

“I can be there in an hour,” Jillian says quickly, her voice tempered excitement. 

 

“I'll be waiting,” Erin says with a lower voice than a moment ago. More dangerous. “You might want to hurry though, I'd hate to have to keep myself occupied if you take too long.”

 

“ _ Erin _ ,” comes the reply, Jillian's tone warning and playful. 

 

“Yes, Jillian.”

 

“Don't tease.”

 

“I'm not teasing,” Erin says innocently. “Touching myself is a necessity, or it will be. If you take your time. Or maybe you want that. Maybe you want to watch.”

 

“I want that too,” Holtz says growling. “But I want to touch, more.”

 

“So hurry up and get here then,” Erin says with a smirk she knows Jillian can see in her mind. “And touch.”

 

“I'll see you in half an hour,” Jillian says before the line goes dead and Erin rolls over in bed. 

 

“Much better,” she says to herself as she bites her lip and her hand slips low, regardless. 

  
  


-

  
  


“I want you to dance for me.”

 

“You've already seen me dance for you,” Jillian says with a smirk as she presses a kiss to Erin's neck. 

 

“I know,” Erin says as she flicks her hair out of her eyes as she lays next to Jillian, both still clad in what looks to be their most impressive underwear, the blush from their first set of orgasms still lingering on their skin. “That's exactly why I want you to dance for me again.”

 

“You enjoyed it?” Jillian asks with a half-smile. 

 

“Of course I did,” Erin says with a narrow look at the blonde. “You're an exceptional dancer. And you know it.”

 

“I'm good at my job,” Jillian says with a shrug as she leans up, pulling Erin with her as she moves Erin to sit on the end of the bed. 

 

The mention of her job makes Erin's blood warm again, and not in a good way. She's tried to put the image of Jillian and the brunette largely out of her mind but they come screaming back at the mention of work. 

 

Jillian moves away for a second, sits her phone on the cradle of Erin's bedside dock, a slow sultry sound pouring out and over the both of them as Jillian moves back, pushing Erin's thighs gently apart before she starts moving between them. 

 

“What would you say if I said I didn't want you to keep doing that,” Erin asks carefully, watching the curve of Jillian's back ripple. 

 

“What?” Jillian asks as she grinds down on Erin's crotch before turning around. “Dance?”

 

“Yes,” Erin says as she exhales deeply and runs her hands up Jillian's bare thighs. 

 

“It's my job,” Jillian says matter of factly, as if as much were obvious. Unsure of what Erin is implying. 

 

“What if I didn't want it to be?” Erin says as Jillian turns, crawling into Erin's lap as she moves back slightly on the bed. 

 

“As much as I like this possessive side of you, I kind of can't afford not to,” Jillian says with a little frown as she looks down at Erin. 

 

“That's the issue?” Erin asks surprised. “Not the fact that you've known me for what, a week?”

 

“I was yours the minute you walked into that club,” Jillian says with a wry smile. “Hook, line and sinker. However you wanted me. I don't care how long we've known each other.”

 

“So you'll stop then?” 

 

“No,” Jillian says carefully. “Like I said, I need the money. It pays well, Erin. Really well. You know how well.”

 

“I could….” Erin tries to start delicately. 

 

“I'm not interested in becoming anyone's  _ thing _ like that,” Jillian says a little harder. “I can't be bought. I pay my own way in life, alright?”

 

Erin's half expecting Jillian to climb off her lap then, pissed off beyond turned on and ready to leave, and she can tell the blonde’s thinking about it, but she doesn't. Not yet. 

 

“I wasn't insinuating you needed anything like that,” Erin says carefully, smoothing her palms over the heated skin of Jillian's arms, her back straight in slight defiance. “I just want you all to myself.”

 

“You saw me with someone, didn't you?” Jillian says, the realisation finally sliding home. “At the club. That's why you didn't wait.”

 

And she could deny it but she knows Jillian will see the truth in her eyes. Knows a lie will absolutely make her leave if this doesn't. 

 

“Yes,” Erin says honestly. 

 

“And what, you thought you could leave your card and I'd just swoon and agree to be your little play thing?” Jillian says, half-offended, half-amused. 

 

“Well, not exactly,” Erin says trying to smooth over some of the damage she knows she's just carved into the space between them, even if contrary to her words that is exactly what she really wants. 

 

Because she's not a jealous person, not really, and she'd never want Jillian to do anything other than live the life she wants, but the thought of other people and her makes Erin's skin crawl. 

 

“God this is coming out all wrong,” Erin says exasperatedly. 

 

“Look, I get it,” Jillian says as she moves slightly on Erin's lap. “You're a woman who's used to getting what she wants. And you're not. And it's pissing you off.”

 

“That makes me sound like a spoilt brat,” Erin says frowning. “Like I don't want someone to play with my toys.”

 

“I'm not your toy,” Jillian says evenly, her eyes flashing a little in indignation and Erin's starting to get worried now because this isn't how it's supposed to go. It's just been too long and her nerves are shot and she's starting to lose control and she doesn't know what to do. 

 

“I know you're not, Jill,” Erin says quickly, reaching for her. She doesn't pull away but she doesn't exactly settle into the touch either yet it's still there, their iron clad connection. It's the only thing holding this,  _ them _ , together. 

 

“Maybe I should go,” Jillian says hesitantly. 

 

“No,” Erin says quickly, reaching for her soothingly. “Please, stay. I want you to stay.”

 

And she does,  _ god _ she does. Because she's not quite sure how she'll actually cope if Jillian leaves now. 

 

The blonde doesn't say anything, just stills against Erin's touch for a moment, testing the weight of Erin's hands on her hips as she thinks. 

 

“Who am I to you,” Jillian says after a long pause. “You took at me like I  _ was _ someone to you. Like I remind you of someone. Who was it?”

 

And Erin's genuinely taken aback for a moment because she's never actually stopped to think about what it must look like from the other side. To have someone so intensely pursue you like she does Jillian in so many of these worlds. 

 

“No one,” Erin lies, because she doesn't know what else to say. 

 

“You're lying,” Jillian says, her hand sliding up Erin's back and into the hair at the nape of her neck. 

 

“You wouldn't believe me if I told you,” Erin says honestly. 

 

Sadly. 

 

“Try me,” Jillian says, her voice silky smooth as her hands tighten. “Did you lose someone?”

 

“Yes,” Erin breathes, her throat closing thickly. 

 

(Yes, I lost someone, she thinks.  _ Over _ and  _ over _ and  _ over _ again.)

 

“Who?” Jillian asks, her voice soft but her touch firm. Solid. 

 

“You,” Erin says with enough pain to break a star in half as her eyes flutter closed, and Jillian's hand tightens harder as if trying to hold her in space and time. 

 

And then there's a ripple that passes through the room, like a boats wake in the water. There's a shaky, broken exhale, and without opening her eyes Erin knows the veil has dropped in that moment. That Jillian  _ remembers _ . 

 

There’s a sharp inhale. 

 

“Erin?”

 

And then they shift. 

  
  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the ending to this chapter is probably one of my favourites of all of them, second only to the vampire one so I hope you guys enjoyed too!
> 
> I have a [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com), it has pretty pictures? Come say hi or check it out if you'd like?
> 
> x


	9. nine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin wakes in a world where she and Jillian share a room as post-grads in college.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god you guys, this one is so cute. So cute. I'm not even kidding. It's also long so you know, enjoy?
> 
> xx

-

  
  


**nine.**

college roommate au. 

  
  


-

  
  


In one world Erin wakes in a college dorm so familiar she thinks she must have come back to her own past. 

 

The dorm room is the one she lived in while she was resident advisor to the younger students during her own studies, only this time when she wakes she's not the only soul in the room. 

 

She looks over to the other side of the room, expecting to see a desk laden with books, surprised to see a mop of blonde hair instead. 

 

No, she thinks. It couldn't be  _ that _ easy. 

 

But then the shape grumbles and Erin smiles because she knows that sleep deprived groan better than she knows the sound of her own voice, and she smiles. 

 

She closes her eyes for a moment then, willing the memories of this life to fill the temporary gaps in her mind, shivering as they set against her ribs. 

 

She's an residential assistant here at her alma mater, as is Jillian. They hadn't known each other before they moved in but they'd become best friends at first sight. 

 

(Fallen in love more like, Erin thinks with a small smile, but that's a thought for later.)

 

They're both older than all the other RA’s here, both here to continue their graduate studies after years studying abroad at prestigious colleges specialising in their chosen fields, but they'd come home to finish their respective post-graduate qualifications. 

 

They should never have had to share a room, assistants normally given one to themselves here but there had been an admin mix-up and they'd asked Erin if she'd consider sharing with someone, offering to waive a portion of her fees, and she'd reluctantly agreed, immediately less reluctant when she'd seen her new roommate. 

 

Here Erin is a physicist and Jillian a nuclear engineer, and they're both so close to their prime selves it makes Erin's chest ache when the memories stop and settle. 

 

They're both interested in women here, of course, but they haven't had that conversation yet two months into their cohabitation, partly Erin thinks because this Jillian is kind and soft but she's been burned by high school love and she won't push, preferring to wait for interest to be highlighted for her. 

 

And that's ok for Erin, because she's kind and soft but she's not a nun, and her memories tell her this Erin's caught Jillian's eyes lingering on bare skin post-shower more than once. 

 

She's distracted from her thoughts when the lump groans again and she's met with a sleepy but brilliant smile that absolutely takes her breath away. 

 

“Morning, Er,” Holtz croaks as she rolls over to look at Erin properly, frowning when she takes note of Erin's slightly distracted gaze. “Is everything ok?”

 

“Fine,” Erin says quickly, shaking her head softly. “Sorry, still half-asleep I think?”

 

“What time is it?” Holtz grumbles as she pulls at her phone beneath her pillow. “God, it's still far too early to be awake. Go back to sleep will you, I'll take you for breakfast soon if you do.”

 

And she could just get up and begin the day because she's got plenty of work to do but a bigger part of her wants to say here, with Jillian, so she slides back into bed instead, smiling across the room at the blonde. 

 

“Pancakes?” Erin asks with a smile as her eyes meet Jillian's and they both soften. 

 

“Whatever you want, princess,” Holtz says sleepily as her eyes flutter closed, a smile still on her lips too. 

 

She settles down into her bed, looking around the tidy and very IKEA inspired shared space which is, at the organisation of the faculty, enormous to account for the inconvenience. Jillian's side is the grey to her white and her heart feels easy, relaxed in Jillian's presence. 

 

It seems like an age since they've had a simple life like this, unburdened and uncomplicated by a million other worries. 

 

Erin is asleep before she can count another breath. 

  
  


-

  
  


She registers the touch before the voice, a fingertip light on the bridge of her nose before it runs down the length and a soft breath reaches her. 

 

“Wake up sleepy head,” Jillian's voice calls to her, adrift in rest, and she's not sure where she is or when but all she knows is that she's safe. And Jillian is here. 

 

She can hear Jillian try to rouse her a few times and she's sure at one point she reaches out and takes her hand because she wakes up with the ghost of Jillian's fingers between her own, but she doesn't rise then. 

 

Instead she settles further into warmth and security and the voice of Jillian telling her to sleep and that she'll be just  _ here _ . 

 

She wakes hours later, better rested that she has been in years. 

  
  


-

  
  


“I thought you were never going to wake up,” Holtz says with a soft whisper from across the room when Erin does finally open her eyes properly what feels like hours later. Which, judging by the now dark sky outside looks like it is. 

 

“Huh?” Erin says a little groggy and Jillian just smiles in response. 

 

“I thought we were going to have a sleeping beauty problem on our hands and I was going to have to find someone to kiss you awake,” Holtz says as she looks at Erin from her desk across the room, a pencil balanced between her fingers. 

 

“I'm sure you would have done a perfectly adequate job yourself,” Erin says a little flirty before she can stop herself, smiling as she watches a blush cover Jillian's features. “What time is it?”

 

“Seven,” Holtz says with a smile, still looking half-distracted by Erin's comment. “You were out to it all day. Are you sure you're feeling ok?” 

 

“Fine,” Erin says as she pulls herself up in bed. “Just bone-tired I think. Have I missed anything?” 

 

“Nope,” Holtz says easily. “I've done our rounds for the evening. We missed dinner though, so we'll have to go out or order in.”

 

“In?” Erin asks with a slightly cheeky grin. “I don't think I really want to move.”

 

“Sure thing,” Holtz says as she moves off her chair towards Erin before sitting on the edge of her bed. “You hungry now?”

 

“Starving, actually,” Erin says once she takes stock of her hunger. 

 

“Pizza?” Holtz asks with a smile as she dials the number on her phone. 

 

“Please,” Erin says, her leg coming to rest against Jillian's through the blankets. 

 

And they might not be a couple here,  _ yet _ , but they touch like they very well could be. Small glances of a hand here and there, fingers at the small of her back as they wait in line for dinner, Jillian's arm across her shoulders as they walk the halls together sending looks at students who should be somewhere else. 

 

They're all innocent, sure, but Erin knows they mean much, much more. 

 

And she thinks Jillian does too, but she's scared. 

 

Of not pushing Erin away and not making Erin uncomfortable and it's so sweet and kind it makes Erin's heart sing. 

 

But that's Jillian. 

 

She's warm and she's thoughtful and she makes Erin feel safe and whole in every single world they cross and sometimes she absolutely cannot believe her luck that they are here together. 

 

In this as companions. 

 

Soul mates. 

 

But they are, and they're both here and they're young and healthy and god, it makes Erin want to sob in relief. 

 

She settles for a watery sniff instead and Jillian's face creases further when Erin draws herself up in bed. 

 

“Are you sure you're ok?” Jillian asks, her hand moving for Erin's forehead, settling on her cheek. 

 

“Yeah,” Erin says with a smile. “I really am. Just needed a good sleep, I think. Will you order dinner while I freshen up?”

 

“Of course,” Holtz says, dropping her hand from Erin's face and moving so Erin can swing her legs out of bed. “Are you really sure you're ok? You don't need me to walk you anywhere?”

 

“I'm fine, Jill,” Erin says softly as she smoothes her hair back, it's longer here, messier than her hair would be normally, struck through the ends with a lighter brown. In perfect contrast to Jillian's blonde. “You order pizza and pick a movie and I'll make myself worthy of company?”

 

“You're already company worthy,” Jillian says with a little scoff. “Besides, it's just me.”

 

“Exactly,” Erin says with a slightly cheeky wink as she breezes out of the room, toiletries in her hand as she heads for the showers. 

 

She doesn't miss the way Jillian's face looks pleasantly slack with surprise and….hope, maybe, on her exit, her expression warming Erin as she walks down the cool hallway. 

 

She spends far longer in the shower than she had anticipated, her skin wrinkled and red when she finally turns the water off but she hadn't been able to make herself move, the water like catharsis over the wounds of so many of their past worlds now she is finally able to pause. 

 

And  _ breathe _ . 

 

The pizza is waiting for her when she gets back, laid out on the floor like a little picnic, the room lit by the few small candles they have placed around the edges, and it's so unexpectedly romantic it takes Erin's voice for a moment. 

 

Holtz looks up from whatever she's fiddling with beneath the lamp light on her desk when Erin walks back into the room, scrubbed clean in a new pair of slacks and a soft tee, a vision from a yoga commercial, and she doesn't miss the look of longing that flashes across Jillian's face when she catches sight of Erin then, either. 

 

“I uh, thought you might want to keep light to a minimum,” Holtz says sounding a little nervous as she looks down to her hands. “Given those delicate little eyes of yours haven't seen any of the real thing today.”

 

“It's perfect,” Erin says smiling softly as she walks over to brush her hand over Jillian's shoulder as she hangs her towel up and sets her things away. “Sorry I took so long, you must be starving too.”

 

“I'm fine,” Holtz says with a shy smile. “Your timing's perfect actually, the food only just arrived.”

 

“Everything I do is perfect,” Erin says with a teasing smirk as she pulls Holtz over to sit down by the food. 

 

“Yeah,” Holtz says a little lost in her own world for a moment as she moves beneath Erin's soft prompting to join her. “It is.”

 

Erin doesn't think she means to say it, isn't sure she even knows she has by the blank glazed look on her face that doesn't disappear until after they've both sat down. 

 

They eat with light chat and it's perfectly ordinary for them only Erin's a little flirtier than she might normally have been based on the memories she has swimming around in her head and Jillian seems to pick up on it, because Jillian watches her so closely but she's so careful about it Erin notices, like she's trying to do it as inconspicuously as one can do whilst still being in love. 

 

Because Erin thinks that's what's going on here, now. 

 

Jillian is in love with Erin and she knows it but she's so wary, too afraid to unsettle or disrupt anything so she's balled her affection and channeled it into as benign a presence as possible. 

 

Only Erin's not interested in that. 

 

Erin wants it out of its bonds and free. 

 

But she doesn't want to push too hard, doesn't want to spook Jillian and have her think it isn't as deeply genuine as it truly is, so she'll go slow instead. 

 

They tidy up and Erin suggests a movie, patting the bed next to her when Jillian moves to settle on the floor by her feet. 

 

“I'm cold,” Erin says and it's a lie that Jillian sees through in about a second flat but she doesn't say anything, not when Erin pulls the blanket over the both of them, sitting extra close so it covers them both fully. 

 

Or when she drops her head onto Jillian's shoulder some time during the second half of the film. 

 

She hears the blonde’s breathing hitch at the contact initially, her shoulder tense as she adjusts to Erin's proximity so Erin pulls away, a look of concern on her face. 

 

“I'm sorry,” she says quietly. “I can move….”

 

“No,” Holtz says quickly. “Stay, please. Sorry, I just….want you to be comfortable. My shoulder’s pretty bony.”

 

“It's fine,” Erin says with a sleepy smile as her heart slows at Jillian's reassurance, worried she'd pushed too far. “If you don't mind, that is.”

 

“You could put a pillow here,” Holtz says after a moment’s pause, gesturing to her lap. “If you prop it high enough you'll still be able to see.”

 

It sends a little tingle down Erin's spine, the shy forwardness in Jillian's voice, because she hadn't been expecting it at all, and Erin smiles and thanks the dark for hiding her blush as she nods and scoots closer to Jillian as she rearranges the pillow. 

 

The scent of Jillian,  _ her _ Jillian, because they use the same perfume here, fills Erin’s lungs when she sets her head down and she almost cries because it's so overwhelmingly safe and gentle and it's just them here, no other complications or people or dangers, and she can't remember the last time they could just  **be** like this. 

 

Erin doesn't pay a lick of attention to the movie, her brain entirely focused on the warm thighs beneath her head and the soft hand flat between her shoulder blades and the way Jillian starts to play with a long lock of her hair when Erin starts to fall asleep instead. 

 

She wakes up hours later, the room dark but for the glow of her laptop screen. They haven't moved, Erin still lying with her head in the blonde's lap and her hands reassuring on Erin's back and she knows they should move because they'll both be so sore in the morning at this rate but she just can't bear it, so she closes her eyes, resigns to offering Holtz a massage if she needs and closes her eyes instead. 

 

She feels Jillian come to below her an hour or so later, feels her grumble and test her muscles and for a second Erin’s worried she's going to try and move them to bed but she doesn't. 

 

Instead she runs her fingertips through Erin's hair so gently Erin almost sighs and gives herself away before she pulls a blanket over the two of them and settles beneath Erin again. 

  
  


-

  
  


They wake up in the same position, a little shy but it's a kind of heart-stoppingly endearing too. 

 

Because they've fallen in love older and younger but never as simply as this and there's something in the beauty of that which makes Erin want to store the memory of this world away, more prized than others. 

 

Holtz looks sleepy and sheepish but happy too, even if she is clearly in some physical strife from sleeping upright all night. 

 

“I've been told I'm an excellent masseuse, you know,” Erin says with a yawn as she makes them a cup of coffee in their little kitchenette, emboldened by the physical distance between them. 

 

“Really?” Holtz says with a break in her voice that makes Erin smirk self-satisfied. 

 

“Yep,” Erin says with a smile as she walks over with their mugs. “Ten out of ten.”

 

Holtz blanches for a second, obviously caught off guard by Erin's forwardness but she recovers reasonably quickly, blowing out a casual breath as she takes the cup. 

 

“I don't believe you,” she says with a smirk. 

 

“Oh I'm more than happy to prove you wrong,” Erin says, bristling a little at the light hearted insinuation. 

 

“I think you're going to have to,” Holtz says as she takes a sip. “I mean, if it's anything as good as your coffee making skills….”

 

Erin's about to voice her objection before she looks and catches the wide smile on Jillian's face and swallows it instead. 

 

“Fuck you,” Erin says with a wry grin. “I make it better than you, at least.”

 

“That is not hard to do, Erin Gilbert” Holtz says with a laugh. “But that doesn't mean you get to take the invitation away either.”

 

“Oh I wouldn't dream of it,” Erin says with a smile. “Not when you made such a good pillow last night. So what are you making me for breakfast?”

  
  


-

  
  


Things change for them after that night. 

 

It's not so different for Erin because she hasn't been here for their past, but she knows things have been set down a different course now. 

 

_ Their _ course. 

 

Jillian is the same, warm and thoughtful and gentle but she's a little more confident too, her fingers lingering longer on Erin's when they hand each other something, sitting closer when they settle in to watch a movie together. 

 

Nothing actually happens though, not for the first few weeks after Erin wakes at least. They go about their soft, easy routine and Erin drinks every second of it in while she can, in case she closes her eyes and opens them in another world. 

 

And Erin could push to accelerate their relationship because she knows they are only on borrowed time but she doesn't want to, quietly content in this flirty, innocent limbo they've found themselves in. 

 

She is presented with an opportunity however, at a party on the last weekend before the term ends. They don't normally do the party thing but they've both worked their asses off to meet a couple of deadlines and honestly, Erin feels like she needs a blow out. 

 

“Done,” Holtz says with a huff before she collapses at the end of Erin's bed dramatically, seconds after walking through the door. 

 

“Done?” Erin asks as she looks down from her book, a reprieve and treat following her own hand-in. 

 

“Done,” Holtz affirms as she leans back to look at Erin upside down. “You?”

 

Erin holds her tattered copy of Pride and Prejudice up by way of an answer and Jillian smiles. 

 

“I don't know how you can read that,” Holtz says with a frown. “I’d get so bored.”

 

“It's not without its problems,” Erin admits with a frown. “But it's a classic.”

 

“Oh, I don't doubt it,” Holtz says with a smile at Erin's defensiveness. “It's just….I don't know, I get bored with all that heteronormative crap in the  _ classics _ you know?”

 

Erin smiles because it's the first time Jillian's ever raised the topic of her sexuality here and it warms Erin to know her comfort level has grown a little over the last few weeks. 

 

“Would it help if I told you I've imagined Mr Darcy as a Miss Darcy for years?” Erin says a little sheepishly. 

 

“Really?” Holtz asks interested, her face lighting up at Erin's admission. 

 

“Yeah,” Erin says with a shy smile. “Otherwise they  _ would _ be boring as hell.”

 

It's the first time they've ever broached the topic that Erin feels the same way that Jillian does. That they're both  _ like that,  _ and she can see Jillian trying to calculate what that means, taking it all in before it seems to get too much and she blows out a breath instead. 

 

“Think how bad it is for the real Elizabeth Bennett then, huh? God, I bet that girl could use a drink,” Holtz says steering the topic into safer waters. “ _ I _ could use a drink, I feel like I want to blow off some serious steam.”

 

“We have been invited to that party across campus tonight you know,” Erin says as she sets the book down and looks over to Jillian. “The girl’s sorority is throwing a leaving party for someone, if you wanted to go we could head over together?”

 

“You’d come with me?” Jillian asks with a small, hopeful smile. “I’d only go if I could convince you to drag your ass out too.”

 

“Of course,” Erin says with a grin as she watches the warmth spread across the blonde’s features. “But only if you promise me a dance.”

 

“Deal,” Holtz says with the hint of a blush as she rolls up into a sitting position. “Now, what  _ does _ one wear to a sorority party?”

  
  


-

  
  


An outfit that makes Erin's knees weak when she walks into their room post-shower, is the answer. 

 

It's so good that she actually stands there struck dumb and Jillian has to walk a step closer and wave her hand in front of Erin's face to catch her attention. 

 

“Earth to Erin Gilbert,” Holtz says with a smile. “You in there?”

 

She stands back looking mildly pleased with herself as Erin comes to her senses. 

 

“Yeah,” Erin stutters as Jillian watches her and smiles. “Uh, yeah sorry Jill. It's just….I don't think I've ever seen you dressed up?”

 

“No point in wearing anything nice when I'm going to destroy it in the lab,” Holtz says with a shrug as she fixes the top button of her shirt and turns the collar over, smoothing the slightly oversized white shirt down before dusting the nonexistent piece of fluff off the knee of her black skinny jeans, tucked into a pair of high top Doc Martens. “Does it look silly?”

 

“No,” Erin croaks. “No, definitely not silly. Good, Jill. Really good.”

 

“Yeah?” Holtz asks a little unsure as she pulls her hair into a high ponytail. “You sure?”

 

“Absolutely positive,” Erin says as she clears her throat and walks over to look through her own wardrobe. “I'm sure you'll turn a head or two.”

 

She's not sure why she says it exactly, maybe she just wants to see how Jillian will react but she gets a response either way. 

 

The blonde blushes deeply before she turns to her mirror to check her hair. 

 

“Yeah, that's definitely not the aim but I appreciate the sentiment,” Holtz says brushing the comment off. 

 

“What?” Erin asks a little cheekily. “You don't want to catch anyone's attention tonight?”

 

Holtz looks at her then, turns and  _ properly _ looks at her and Erin's a little taken aback by the intensity of her gaze, so different to how she's come to expect Jillian to look at her here. More confident. Hungrier, maybe. 

 

“I didn't say that, did I?” Jillian says clearly and the insinuation makes Erin tingle slightly, gooseflesh erupting over her bare arms as she holds her towel around herself. 

 

“Oh,” Erin says playing dumb but picking up on the thread, not willing to let it drop just yet. “So there is someone?”

 

“I don't know,” Jillian says a little unsure. “I hope so. There have been some….promising signs….but I don't want to push it.”

 

“I think you should,” Erin says with a smirk. “Push, that is. I think you'd be surprised.”

 

Yeah?” Holtz asks with a raised eyebrow. 

 

“Yeah,” Erin says nodding as the licks her lips and watches Jillian's eyes follow the movement of her mouth. 

 

She turns away to rummage through her wardrobe, the weight of Jillian's gaze heavy on her shoulders as she pulls a few different outfits out before deciding on a black dress she knows Jillian hasn't seen her wear before. 

 

“I'll be back in a sec,” Erin hears Holtz mumble, sounding more than a little flustered as she clears her throat and the sound of their door echoes in the room still but for the soft sound of music issuing out of Jillian's computer speakers. 

 

Now alone she lets the towel drop to the floor as she admires her lithe, younger body in the mirror, spinning to check the view of the underwear she's chosen from the back before she smiles at the image that greets her. 

 

She pulls the black dress on carefully, long sleeved but scooped low at the back revealing a flash of skin that a number of different versions of herself would have blanched at and short enough to almost be indecent.

 

For tonight though, it's  _ perfect _ Erin thinks. 

 

And it's not like it'll be remotely out of place at the sorority, half the girls there likely to be dressed in less again than she is. 

 

She's putting the finishing touches on her make-up, heavy dark eyes to match her dress when Holtz walks back in with a couple of bottles of cheap champagne and two plastic wine glasses. She mutters something about ‘the best pre-game she could pull together at such short notice’ but her words fall silent when she takes in Erin in all her slightly sultry glory. 

 

“Wow,” Holtz says, her mouth falling open as her arms go slack and she almost fumbles the wine and glasses. 

 

“Not too much?” Erin asks, spinning to reveal the back of the dress. 

 

“Uh, depends,” Holtz says with a blank, glassy look in her eyes as they unashamedly move over Erin. 

 

“On what?” Erin asks, her face turning a little worried. 

 

“On who you're trying to kill out of hand with that dress,” Holtz says as she shakes her head. “Jeez, Erin. Sorry, you just look….wow.”

 

“But not too much?” Erin asks with a frown. 

 

“Well I like it,” Holtz says with a smirk, finally getting in control of herself enough to push back on Erin's flirting. “Can't promise I won't want to hide you from every other eye in the place though.”

 

“That's fine,” Erin says as she turns to finish her lipstick. “It's really only for one set of eyes anyway.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Holtz says with an almost hesitant lilt to her voice like she's afraid to ask on the off chance that she's wrong, that she's picked up on the wrong note. “And what do you think they'll say when they see you?”

 

“They already have,” Erin says smoothly as she walks over, lipstick now applied, to appease Jillian's worry instantly and take the wine glasses and one of the bottles from Jillian's hands. “Drink?”

 

“Yes,” Jillian says as she looks down between them to the space or lack thereof Erin's left between their bodies. “Or two, I think.”

  
  


-

  
  


The lingering thought swimming in Erin's mind as they walk to the party together, their fingers brushing together as they sort of loosely hold hands, a bottle of wine a piece in their other, is how  _ fun  _ this is. 

 

The flirting and the almost-touches and the way Jillian hadn't been able to stop staring after Erin's little declaration in their room are like magic in her veins, making her head swim. 

 

She's pleasantly buzzed by the time they arrive at the front door of the sorority, not drunk but emboldened enough to take Jillian's hand before the door opens so the girls who take in Jillian's decidedly dapper appearance know exactly who she's here with. There’s still room for nerves to swim around the edges though, and they make Erin’s blood purr. 

 

Because it doesn't matter if they've lived through a hundred lives together, every new start, every origin point for their love makes Erin’s heart flutter as hard and excitedly as the very first had.

 

The girls greet them, a couple staring enviously at the way Erin's fingers thread through the blonde's and she can't help but smile happily back as they walk into the house. 

 

They move into the kitchen where some of the other residential assistants and teacher’s aides their age are assembled playing a drinking game across the table. 

 

Jillian offers to get Erin a glass, gesturing to the bottle in her hands for lack of being able to be heard over the level of volume but Erin just shakes her head, pulling Jillian back into her side with a smile instead. 

 

They mingle happily with the others for a while before Holtz is dragged into a round of beer pong and Erin moves away to allow her room to play but Jillian holds her tight before leaning into whisper in Erin's ear. 

 

“Stay,” she says and Erin can feel it more than she can hear it. “You'll be my good luck charm.”

 

Erin smiles when she pulls away a little, sliding her arm more firmly around Jillian's waist as the game begins. 

 

Holtz wins by a huge margin. 

 

She bats away the offer for another game, instead gesturing a little nervously to the dance floor, the buzz from the game settling on top of the wine they've both now finished. 

 

Erin nods, her cheeks a little flushed and her pulse hot in her hands as Jillian slides hers into Erin's and leads the way across the crowded room. 

 

It's packed and there's barely room to move and it's dark and the music is so loud Erin can feel it in her chest, but it's perfect at the same time. Something slightly expletive and very sexual is playing as Jillian pulls Erin to her, her hands low slung on Erin's hips as Erin’s hands drape over the blonde's shoulders. 

 

Erin slides a thigh between Jillian's as they start to move in time with the music, the pressure still largely innocent but warm and very, very welcome. 

 

They dance like that for a few songs before someone bumps into Erin from behind and her thigh shifts a little firmer between Jillian's and she feels Jillian gasp against her neck. 

 

“Sorry,” Erin tries to say in her ear over the music. “Do you want to get some fresh air?”

 

“Yeah,” Holtz half-yells, half-mouths. “You want to come?”

 

Erin nods, a little disappointed at having to leave the dance floor but soothed in part by Jillian's hand in her own as she leads them away from the heaving mass of people. They try to push their way out of the front door but they're met by an almost impenetrable wall of people so Erin gestures upstairs instead. 

 

“We should be able to crack a window,” Erin says rolling her eyes when Jillian raises a curious brow. “Come on.”

 

They walk down a long hallway, passing people in various states of inebriation and amour down the hallway until they find a bedroom with a large window that is, thankfully, empty. 

 

“This do?” Erin asks with a shy shrug as she pushes the door open. 

 

“Perfect,” Holtz says as she walks across the room, dropping Erin's hand so she can go and pull the window up out of its sash. 

 

The breeze hits Erin's heated face like a tonic and she moves automatically towards its origin, perching on the window sill next to Jillian who's leaning out of the window, eyes closed as she takes the moonlight into her skin. 

 

She's quiet, quieter than she normally is and for a moment Erin wonders if something's wrong before a thought hits her because she's seen this expression before. Not often because normally Jillian Holtzmann is confident and sure but this version is a little different. 

 

She's steeling herself. Trying to calm herself before she does something big. 

 

And it makes Erin's heart beat a little faster. 

 

So she doesn't interrupt the silence, she just sits silently and lets the sill vibrate in time with the bass pounding downstairs as Holtz collects her courage for whatever it is she wants to say. 

 

A minute later, or maybe it's an hour, she turns to Erin with a soft smile, her eyes nervous but her voice clear. 

 

“You look amazing tonight, Erin,” she says earnestly as she half-turns to Erin. 

 

“So do you,” Erin says mirroring her actions to do the same. “Really, Jill. You look stunning.”

 

“Maybe we should get dressed up more often, huh?” Jillian says to her and Erin's not sure when it happened but somewhere in their last breath they've both moved infinitesimally closer together, Erin's thigh bumping against Jillian's. 

 

“I don't know about that,” Erin says a little coyly, conscious of not wanting to push the pace of whatever Jillian is working herself up to say but not wanting to let the moment slip either. “I think you'll start to accrue a few admirers if you keep turning up to parties looking like that. I don't know if I can share my dancing partner.”

 

“You'll always have first choice,” Holtz says blushing a little as she looks down. “If you want it, that is. I mean….”

 

Holtz trails off, drumming her fingers on the sill nervously as her leg jumps impatiently against Erin's and Erin doesn't want to make it worse but she knows what Holtz is like when she gets like this, knows she needs a touch to ground her so Erin reaches for her gently, her hand resting on Jillian's thigh.

 

“You mean what, Jill?” Erin asks softly. 

 

“I mean….” Holtz says before she breaks off again.

 

She takes one deep breath, her eyes falling to Erin's hand still on her leg and she looks up to Erin a little clearer. 

 

“I mean you look beautiful all the time, Erin. Like all the time. And I'm so sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable or like you want a new roommate and that's ok because I want what you want, even if that's not me. And I wasn't even going to say anything but something just  _ changed _ in the last few weeks and I don't know, it made me feel braver? And suddenly this thing I thought I could ignore just starting screaming at me and I couldn't just leave it anymore so….”

 

She could let Holtz ramble on longer but Erin knows what she wants to say, what her tongue is tripping over itself to speak so she puts Jillian out of her misery and leans forward and kisses her instead. 

 

Their lips meet and that electric shock that follows their first kiss in every world shoots through Erin's entire body and into Jillian's, and she sighs deep in relief at the contact. 

 

Because it's warm and soft and heavy and  _ home  _ and Erin hadn't realised how much she'd missed it over the past few weeks. 

 

Her other hand comes to rest hesitantly on Jillian's cheek, her thumb stroking gently as she exhales against Jillian's lips. The blonde stills at first, partly Erin thinks in shock but partly in relief too. 

 

The kiss stays chaste for a moment as they settle against each other's breathing but then Erin runs her tongue ever so lightly along the line of Jillian's lip and Jillian shudders in response and finally,  _ finally _ Erin feels her give in to herself. 

 

She places her hands on either side of Erin's face, drawing her in as she deepens the kiss, sliding her tongue into Erin's mouth as Erin groans and responds. Her hand moves from Jillian's face to her shoulder to pull her closer as her other hand squeezes over Jillian's thigh and the blonde jumps. 

 

“Sorry,” Erin says with a wince. “I didn't mean to startle you.”

 

“No,” Holtz says as she shakes her head. “No, you're fine. You're amazing. Sorry if I got a bit carried away.”

 

“It's not getting carried away if I want it too,” Erin says with a grin as she fits her index finger under Jillian's chin and lifts her head so Erin can look her in the eye. “And I want this, Jill. I really, really want it. And not because of the alcohol or how you're dressed. I've wanted you for a long time. You have no  _ idea _ how long.”

 

(It's been years, Erin thinks as her heart pulls. And it’ll maybe be decades and centuries and possibly millennia before they're done yet.)

 

“You do?” Jillian asks, hopeful and bright. 

 

“I do,” Erin says as she winds a bit of Jillian's hair around her finger. “I really,  _ really _ do.”

 

“So it's ok if I want to do this then?” Holtz asks as she leans in to Erin again, her lips brushing over Erin’s lightly. 

 

“Yes,” Erin replies as she smiles against the kiss. 

 

“And this?” Holtz asks as her hand settles on the bare skin of Erin's knee, drawing little circles that prompt a shiver from Erin's body. 

 

“Yes,” Erin says again as her hands move to wind more firmly in Jillian's hair, tugging lightly. “And I can do this?”

 

“Yes,” Holtz moans a little before she brings their lips together with haste. “Yes, yes,  _ yes _ .”

 

The kiss might have been chaste before but it definitely doesn't stay that way now, Erin's hands pulling Jillian as close to her as she can, her tongue sliding easily into the blonde's mouth as she groans and responds. 

 

Her hands move up Erin's thighs and Erin feels something thump before she breaks them apart for a second to glance at the bed a few feet away, her eyes darkening as she takes in the way Jillian's breath holds in her chest. 

 

She's utterly lost for words but she manages to nod and Erin doesn't waste any time, pulling Jillian with her as she stands, her hands moving around Jillian's waist as she walks them backwards a few steps until her calves hit the end of the bed. 

 

“Hi,” Erin says slowing the moment down, bumping her nose against Jillian's. 

 

“Hi,” Jillian says in reply, her hands smoothing over the small of Erin's back. “I've wanted to kiss you for a really long time, you know.”

 

“You're not the only one,” Erin says with a smile. “That roommate thing is a blessing and a curse, huh?”

 

“Tell me about it,” Holtz says with a scoff. “Do you know what you look like with a towel on?”

 

“Do  _ you _ ?” Erin says pointedly, one eyebrow raised in a smirk. 

 

“Touché,” Holtz says with a laugh as she ducks her head. “Does this mean I get to kiss you when you come in the room like that?” 

 

“Kiss me,” Erin says casually with a little shrug. “Touch me…..”

 

Jillian shivers against her, hard, and Erin takes that as a prompt to kiss her, deep and long and slow until she can't possibly bear to be vertical for a second longer, burning to feel Jillian's weight. She doesn't want to push though, and she knows that Jillian wants this but she needs to be sure it's at her pace too and she still hasn't actually said anything. 

 

“If that's what you want, that is,” Erin says a little nervously, suddenly unsure in Jillian's silence. 

 

“Want this?” Jillian says incredulously as she shakes her head from her temporary daze. “Want this? God Erin, I don't think I've ever wanted anything more. Sorry if I zoned out it's just….this doesn't feel real. It feels like a dream.”

 

“It's not,” Erin says as she leans in with a smile. “It's very, very real.”

 

“Thank god,” Holtz says with a heavy breath out as her hands tighten over Erin's hips. “I don't know what I'd do if I woke up and found out this wasn't.”

 

Erin's struck at that, an icicle sliding between her ribs as she's reminded with a sickening realness of the reality of their situation, of  _ her _ situation. Because while that isn't the case here for this Jillian, it is Erin's  **constant** , waking to change, and it's almost enough to make her breakdown in spite of Jillian's warmth around her. 

 

“Hey,” Holtz says softly when Erin stills for too long. “If you change your mind though….”

 

Erin cuts Jillian off quickly as she shakes the ghosts from her lungs, leaning forward to kiss her. 

 

“I haven't,” Erin says clear and sure as she looks to Jillian. “And I won't. Not ever.”

 

“You might get sick of me,” Holtz says with a shy smile that's half-teasing and half-actual hesitation so Erin puts more behind the next kiss, soothing her worries. 

 

“I won't,” Erin says easily. “I think I could spend a thousand lifetimes with you and never get tired for a moment.”

 

(Because we've already spend half of that together, Erin thinks to herself, and every time I find you my heart pounds the same as the first.)

 

“A thousand lifetimes is a very long time,” Jillian says with a soft smile. “You must really like me. I think I'd like to do that with you too, you know.”

 

“Yeah?” Erin says because suddenly her throat feels thick and she can't formulate more of a sentence than that, her mind settling deep as she tries to pull it up and out of the abyss. 

 

“Yeah,” Jillian says, leaning in to tease her lips against Erin's. “You can get a hell of a lot of kissing done in a thousand lifetimes. And more….”

 

The touch is like a steel wire snapping tight, halting her descent, and her body moves while her mind catches up, responding to Jillian as easily as it inhales. 

 

Erin pulls back, makes a point of holding eye contact as she lowers herself to the bed, her hand in the front of Jillian's shirt as she draws her willingly down on top of her. 

 

She leans up to whisper in Jillian's ear as she slides between Erin's thighs, her mind settled, her lips soft at the blonde’s pulse. 

 

“On the topic of  _ more _ , I’m not suggesting we rush anything but just so you know, I want to do this alone, in our room, but that doesn't mean we can't have a bit of fun here before we leave right?”

 

“You realise there's no lock on the door?” Holtz says with a smirk as Erin's hands slide around her waist, slipping against the bare skin of her sides.

 

“Doesn't that make it  _ more _ fun?” Erin asks with a returning smile as she drags her fingers, eliciting a little gasp from Jillian's lips. 

 

“Who would have thought you'd like playing on the edge?” Holtz asks with a grin as she presses down against Erin, adjusting her weight as she hovers over Erin, hands on either side of her head. 

 

“There are a lot of things you don't know about me,” Erin says as her hands slide down lower to squeeze at Jillian's ass. 

 

“Oh yeah?” Holtz asks with a grin. “You'll tell me?”

 

“I'll show you,” Erin says as she leans up and nips at Jillian's bottom lip. “If you'll show me?”

 

“Of course,” Holtz says picking up on Erin's insinuation, which technically isn't a lie because  _ this  _ Erin hasn't slept with a woman before and she doesn't want to give Jillian the impression that  _ that _ is anything but the case. “I'll show you everything.”

 

Holtz leans down and kisses her, properly kisses her, with tongue and teeth and lips and hands and  _ thighs, God thighs _ , and Erin's body just bends. 

 

Her leg comes up to slide around Jillian's as she settles against Erin, holding her in place and pulling her tighter when she leans down on an elbow so she can make use of her other hand, holding Erin's thigh against her as it moves higher up bare skin to  _ just  _ slide under the hem of Erin’s skirt. 

 

Which of course is the opportune time for two girls to burst in giggling and holding hands, a self-rolled cigarette clutched by one of them. 

 

“Oh,” one of the girls says with a shocked but slightly interested smile as she looks between Erin and Jillian as Jillian tries to roll delicately roll off her. “Sorry to interrupt.”

 

“Yeah,” the other girl says hanging off the door frame as she smiles widely at Erin. “Sorry, we figured this room would be empty. Carry on, we’ll leave you to it.”

 

With that they're gone as suddenly as they'd come in, the bass pounding from downstairs again filling Erin's now slightly clearer head. 

 

“How's that for a mood killer,” Holtz says with a laugh at Erin's side once the door clicks shut. 

 

“I know, right?” Erin says, turning her body into Jillian's. “Probably not the worst thing though. I know I said we'd go slow but it's a little bit harder to turn on that self-control when you're kissing me.”

 

“I know what you mean,” Holtz says with a blush as she ducks her head. “On that note though, you want to get out of here? Our door at least has a lock.”

 

“You read my mind,” Erin says with a smirk as she sits up. “Lead the way?”

  
  


-

  
  


The walk back to their dorm room is quiet and a little shy, their bravado somewhere in the upstairs bedroom they'd just left. 

 

Erin still has enough of a buzz to feel brave enough to link their hands together though, eager to show Jillian how much she wants this too - enough to initiate contact - and she doesn't miss the way the blonde's smile almost glows in the dark at her touch, lighting the rest of the walk home. 

 

Jillian opens the door and walks through first, standing a little awkwardly with her hands in her pockets as she waits for Erin to join her. 

 

“So,” Jillian says as she looks up at Erin shyly, her ponytail long over her shoulder, a few bits pulled loose messily by Erin's hands earlier framing her face. 

 

She looks angelic, Erin thinks, not an adjective she's ever thought to describe Jillian with before, and probably not one she'll use again but here, now, it's so perfectly fitting that it makes Erin warm. 

 

“So,” Erin says as she takes a step closer, taking Jillian's hands from her pockets gently and linking them together at their sides.

 

“What do you want to do now?” Holtz says shyly. “We could go to sleep….or….”

 

“Or, what?” Erin asks as she moves another step, her hip and thigh brushing against Jillian's. 

 

“Or we could pick up where we left off at the party?” Jillian says gently, her voice quiet. 

 

“That one,” Erin says softly but clearly and she knows it's quick but it feels right. They feel ready. “If you want to?”

 

“Absolutely,” Holtz says with a shy smile as she leans in to press a quick kiss to Erin's lips. “You do too?”

 

“Yes,” Erin says as she unlocks their hands to run them down the front of Jillian's shirt, palms down, before they settle on her hips. “I really do. But not if you feel rushed or….”

 

“I don't,” Jillian says as she shakes her head gently, stopping Erin's mind running. “It feels right. Doesn't it?”

 

“It does,” Erin says, smiling at the confirmation of her thought. “And you'll….”

 

“Yes,” Holtz says with an easier smile, a more confident smile. “And we can stop whenever you want.”

 

“I don't think that's going to happen,” Erin says as her fingers start popping the buttons of Jillian's shirt open from the bottom, up. “But thank you. And you'll stop too, if you….”

 

“I don't think that's going to happen,” Holtz echoes with a grin as she takes Erin's head in her hands and presses a kiss to her lips that settles their bones into the earth. 

 

Erin's fingers find the last button as they break the kiss, both gasping a little as they draw back, Jillian's pupils wide and dark. Her hands find the zip of her own pants as Erin pushes the shirt off her shoulders and by the time they make it backwards towards Erin's bed Jillian's only wearing a matching pair of underwear that makes Erin feel ravenous. 

 

Erin’s hands move to the back of her own neck before she spins in Jillian's arms, gesturing for her to undo the zip before she looks over her shoulder. 

 

“I uh….I don't have a bra on,” Erin says a little shyly. “It didn't work with the dress. Just so you know.”

 

“And that's ok?” Jillian asks as she presses a kiss to the bare skin at the top of Erin's zipper.

 

“It is with me,” Erin says, her voice low and a little shaky and she's not sure why it’s throwing her so much or why she feels so nervous but this body is so young and its inexperience seems to be bleeding into Erin's consciousness a little. It's not bad though, quite the opposite in fact because it makes this feel special. 

 

_ New _ . 

 

She can feel Jillian smile against the skin as her fingers work the zip down and the dress open and her hands sweep over the exposed flesh of Erin's back gently, acclimating herself with the expanse of faded tanned skin, the remnants of the summer clinging to her still. 

 

“God, you're beautiful Erin,” Holtz whispers and Erin shivers heavily. Because it doesn't matter how many times she hears it, the sincerity in Jillian's voice so true and clear each time she sees Erin bare for the first time never failing to make her knees weak. 

 

Erin works the dress down her arms with Jillian's help, allowing it to drop to the ground between them before she spins slowly, turning in Jillian's arms as she shows Jillian  _ all  _ of her for the first time. 

 

She doesn't say anything when she looks Erin over, not at first, only managing a shaky breath blown out slowly between heartbeats as she pulls Erin to her. 

 

“Beautiful,” she repeats as she presses a kiss to Erin's lips, and then the corner of her mouth, and then over her pulse before she moves across the width of Erin's collarbone and up the other side. 

 

“You are too,” Erin says as she moves her hands down Jillian's arms before running them over her shoulders to settle on her bra strap. “Can I?”

 

Jillian nods with a blush as Erin's hands pop it open easily and she shrugs a little sheepishly as she slides the straps down the blonde's arms before dropping the bra to the floor at their side. “Beginner’s luck?” 

 

“Of  _ course _ you'd be good at this too,” Holtz says with a smirk as they take another step towards her bed. 

 

“That's a good thing for you too, right?” Erin asks with a grin. “Not just my ego?”

 

“Very good,” Jillian says as she lowers Erin to the bed before climbing to sit atop her hips, adjusting her ponytail to pull her hair out of the way. “Doesn't matter for now though, because you're all mine. If you'll have me?”

 

“I don't know what I'll do if you don't,” Erin says a little desperately before Holtz drops to kiss her gently. 

 

“Me either,” Jillian says as she presses her lips to every inch of exposed skin, working up and over the rise of Erin's breast before she takes a nipple into her mouth, sucking gently and Erin gasps as her eyes flutter closed. 

 

When she opens them, they shift. 

  
  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cute, right? Like so cute? How cute would high school Jill and Erin be?
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked a little. Oh and I have a [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com), come say hi if you want!
> 
> x


	10. ten.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin wakes in a world where Jillian finds her first and _remembers_ but something is different here, and things are not as simple as they have been in the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi team!
> 
> I hope you've all had a good week. 
> 
> This was actually one of the very first pieces I wrote for this series months ago (hence it's brevity, they seemed to get longer as I went on) and I wasn't actually going to post it because not a lot happens, it's just quite feelings heavy but I thought you guys would probably like it regardless?
> 
> Anyway, it is a little bit angsty but mostly I think it's a little sad as the worlds where they both remember are, so if you're not feeling up for that, give it a miss. Nothing happens and no one dies, they just find themselves in a world that although extremely simple and similar to their own is hard.
> 
> It's lovely though so if you can, steel your little hearts and read on.
> 
> x

-

  
  


**ten.**

runaway au. 

  
  


-

  
  


The next time Jillian remembers is several worlds away but it takes Erin's breath. 

 

She had woken up a week earlier, married to a beautiful brunette with a British accent and it should be perfect but she's not Jillian and it makes Erin's heart hurt to wake up next to someone who isn't. 

 

The knock comes in the middle of the night when Erin is fast asleep, warm in her wife's arms while a spring storm rages outside the windows of their middle of the city tower-esque apartment because here Erin's wife comes from old money and it takes her a minute to realise what's going on, deep in sleep as she is. 

 

“Is that the door?” A sleepy voice asks from behind her, her arm tightening around Erin's waist. 

 

“I think so,” Erin says, rubbing her eyes as she makes to sit up. 

 

“No,” her wife says. “Leave it, it's three am. It's probably the guy down the hall flying in late forgetting where he put his keys when his maid packed. It's not our problem.”

 

“I'm just going to check through the door,” Erin says, something strange settling over her skin like a coat of static. 

 

She remembers a childhood once somewhere in this maelstrom with a superstitious mother who wore crystals around her neck and told Erin that three in the morning was the witching hour when the darkness in the shadows comes out to play, but she's never felt that. Ever. 

 

Because that's the time she feels safest wrapped in Jillian's arms when they find each other, when the morning seems  _ very _ far away. So she's not scared as she crawls out of bed, pulling a silk robe over her matching nightgown. 

 

“Do you want me to come?” comes a sleepy voice from the pile of blankets on the bed. 

 

“No,” Erin says softly. “Go back to sleep.”

 

She pads through the apartment and down the stairs to the main floor, the automatic lights at her feet illuminating her way as she moves silently. 

 

She walks to the front door and peers through the lens to the hallway outside, expecting to see a tired looking man in a suit but she doesn't. 

 

She sees Jillian Holtzmann instead. 

 

Her heart stops in her chest and her breath catches in her throat and for a minute she freezes because it's never happened like this before. 

 

And it could be a complete coincidence, Jillian brought as a stranger to her doorstep in the pitch dark of a storm but her heart says differently. 

 

She pulls the door open without another thought, her hand shaking on the doorknob as it swings open to reveal a dripping wet blonde with tears in her eyes. 

 

“I found you,” Jillian says around a sob as she throws herself into Erin's arms. 

 

She's soaking and cold but it doesn't matter, her coat pressing the silk wet to Erin's skin as her hands slide around Erin's waist and her lips find Erin's and they melt against each other. 

 

She has so many questions, so much to ask and so much to process and so much to navigate around because there's a very real person upstairs in her bed but none of it matters, none of it means a thing to her beyond the woman whose heartbeat is falling back into sync with her own where their skin touches. 

 

They pull back and Erin looks at Jillian with a watery smile as she pushes her wet hair out of her eyes and Holtz can only half-laugh, half-sob in response but then a voice calls down from upstairs and they both freeze. 

 

“Baby? Who's at the door?”

 

It chills her blood and she knows it does the same to Jillian too because she tries to take her hands off Erin immediately but Erin won't let her. 

 

“You're….” Jillian asks freezing as she lifts their intertwined hands and looks to Erin's ring finger. 

 

“Married,” Erin says nodding quickly. “But it doesn't matter, Jill. It never matters, remember. I'm yours.”

 

“But this is different,” Jillian says, clearly conflicted. “I've never taken you from someone else's bed before.”

 

“But I don't  _ belong _ in someone else's bed,” Erin says pleading a little as she begs Jillian to understand. “I belong in  _ your _ bed.”

 

She leans forward and pulls the blonde to her, takes her hands and settles them against her skin, above the pulse they were made to guard and she kisses Jillian with everything she has to try and make her remember. 

 

To make her remember who they are to each other and how important they are to each other and that everyone and everything else in this enormous multitude of universes and chaos is nothing but collateral to them in the end. 

 

Jillian is resistant for the first few seconds but then she softens and Erin exhales in relief. She feels the change and Jillian's hands pull Erin close, close,  _ close _ , as tight as she can suddenly desperate and her tongue slides into Erin's mouth and it tastes like mint and relief and the stardust that underpins this voyage through time and space, and then time stops again when a voice rings out from above again. 

 

“Erin? Is everything ok?”

 

They break apart with a gasp, Erin's hands clutching at Jillian's jacket, water beading between her fingers as she squeezes it from the wet fabric. 

 

“Take me away,” Erin says suddenly desperate. “We can leave now, like this.”

 

“We can't leave Erin, you have a life here,” Jillian says a little shocked. “You have a wife and a job and also no clothes on.” 

 

“It doesn't matter,” Erin says shaking her head. “Do you have money? We can go straight to a department store and get changed and just  _ go _ . Anywhere. It doesn't matter, we might not be here for long and I just want to be with you, please. I can't bear to be without you.”

 

“Of course I have money, but Erin you don't have to leave,” Holtz says shaking her head. “We can say I'm your sister or long lost best friend or something, we can plan something out….”

 

“I don't want to live anything that's not the truth with you,” Erin says shaking her head as her eyes fill with tears. “Please Jill, we don't know how long it'll be before you remember next.”

 

_ If _ you remember next. 

 

“Please, just take me away,” Erin says again, tears rolling down her cheeks now. 

 

Jillian leans in quickly, desperate to catch Erin's pain and take it with soft lips and a thumb smoothed over her jawbone to catch a stray drop.

 

“Ok,” the blonde says nodding as she takes Erin's hand and squeezes again. “But we need to go now. Quickly.”

 

Erin sobs in relief as she takes Jillian's hand and pulls the door shut as quietly as she can behind her and they walk quickly to the lift. 

 

She hits the button and they move inside, Jillian pulling her jacket off as they wait for the carriage to reach the bottom floor. 

 

“I'm sorry, I know it's soaking wet but it's better than being in your nightgown, I think. Slightly less suspicious when the police start posting your picture all over town looking for you.”

 

“Oh god, they're going to aren't they?” Erin says with a stab of guilt. “I'll send a letter, leave a message, something to tell her not to worry. How far do you think I could get without a passport?” 

 

“Doesn't matter,” Jillian says, pulling Erin out and into the night air when they reach ground, the atrium thankfully deserted. “I know someone who can take care of that.”

 

“Of course you do,” Erin says with a laugh as she pulls the tie of Jillian's trench more firmly around her waist, flipping the collar up to hide her face as much as possible. “Cab?” 

 

“No,” Holtz says shaking her head. “Not from here at least, we'll walk a few blocks and then get into one and head somewhere to get more clothes. And then I don't know, head out of state?”

 

“I don't care,” Erin says as she squeezes Jillian's hand again. “I don't care as long as I'm with you.”

 

Jillian stops them then in the middle of the street, busy despite the ridiculously early hour. She spins to face Erin properly and takes her head between her hands. 

 

“I love you Erin Gilbert,” she says quietly as she leans in and presses the gentlest kiss Erin can ever recall gracing her lips, only moving back when Erin's heartbeat slows beneath her. 

 

“I love you too,” Erin says, fresh tears gracing her skin and rolling onto Jillian's too. “Always. Forever. Now for the love of  _ god _ , take me away from here.”

  
  


-

  
  


They make it several states over before they shift, living from hotel to hotel on cash and breathless nights between and beneath each other's hands, desperate to feel as much as they can before they lose each other to the void again. 

 

They never move more than a few feet from each other, hands always touching and fingers always linked and to anyone else in the world they must look like two strangers hopelessly in love, not two people desperately trying to outrun their destiny or whatever this force is biting at their heels. 

 

And it should be an inconvenience, living from bags and rooms that they never settle in but it's not because they have each other and that is everything. Instead, they play games with the hotel staff when they request one bed not two and buy cheap engagement rings in a small town by the sea and the old man who sells them tells Erin and Jillian they were owned by one of the founding families of the state they're in and Erin thinks it's bullshit but who really knows anymore. 

 

Jillian slides Erin's ring onto her finger as they lay in bed together after a nice dinner out in the hotel they'd splurged on for the occasion, their naked limbs tangled together as Jillian holds Erin's hand up to the light. 

 

“You know I think this might be real, god I wish I had a black light,” Jillian says as she peers at the solitaire on Erin's finger. 

 

“Why a black light?” Erin asks interestedly. 

 

“Real diamonds glow under UV, fake ones don't,” Holtz says with an abject curiosity. “I don't know, I might be wrong but I feel like I've spent enough time with that real stone of yours in my hands to know the difference.”

 

“Christ, it was some steal if it was,” Erin says with a laugh as she holds her hand out for Jillian's so she can slide the gold signet ring onto Jillian's ring finger. “Pretty neat that these were a married couples, right? How long did he say they'd been together before they died and the estate sold them to him?”

 

“Sixty years?” Jillian replies with a question in her voice. “I think?”

 

“How long do you think we've been married so far?” Erin asks as she moves the ring onto Jillian's middle finger instead, the fit better. 

 

“I don't know?” Jillian says interested, smiling as Erin takes the blonde's hand to her mouth, kissing the ring. “All up, or that we've been present for?”

 

“All up,” Erin says as she rolls onto her side to look at Holtz properly. 

 

“I don't know,” Jillian says as she blows out a breath. “A few hundred years so far? Maybe more? How many lives have we been through?”

 

“God, I'm starting to lose count,” Erin says with a sigh. “This is too hard, it's making my head spin.”

 

It makes Erin suddenly melancholic despite the warmth of her love next to her and Jillian reads it immediately. 

 

“It doesn't matter,” Holtz says as she leans over on her side too. All I know is that we'll be married as often and as long as you'll have me. In any and every world. Numbers don't matter, ok?”

 

Jillian’s voice is soft and it brings Erin out of her spell as she focuses on the things she can feel around her body and beneath her skin. 

 

“Kiss me?” Erin says suddenly, her world narrowing to the woman in front of her and Jillian does so without hesitating, taking Erin's hands in her own, their rings clicking together as their fingers weave together. 

 

“Feel my heart, Er,” Holtz says when they part, trying to ground Erin's attention as she places Erin's palm over her chest “Feel it underneath your hand. You feel how strong that is? That's you, it's strong because of  _ you _ . I know sometimes you don't think you're strong but you are, you're stronger than me and you're stronger than anyone else on this goddamn planet because you're getting us through this. Someday, somehow I'm going to find a way to be the strong one so you don't have to, but until then know that's what you do to me ok? You make me strong. And know that you won't have to do this forever. That, I promise you.”

 

“You promise me?” Erin says, her eyes filling with tears. “You promise me one day I'll get to be like everyone else?”

 

“You'll never be like everyone else, Erin,” Jillian says with a soft, beautiful smile. “You're  _ much _ too special for that.”

 

“I don't  _ want _ to be special,” Erin says as she holds Jillian's hand tighter. “I don't want any of this.”

 

“I know,” Jillian says, bringing Erin close to her chest. “I know you don't, but you are. We are. For some horrible reason, we are.”

 

There isn't anything else Jillian can say, nothing else she can do to make Erin feel any better and Erin knows she needs to brick the wall up around her heart again but she can't stand to do it just yet, she doesn't have the strength so she nestles into Jillian's chest instead, breathes in the scent of her and lets that help set the mortar between her hands. 

 

“I don't know what I'd do without you,” Erin says sniffing and her aches because god, she  **doesn’t** . She doesn’t know what she would do without Jillian here by her side. 

 

“Oh, Er,” Jillian says softly, kindly. “You'll never be without me. You'll never have to find out. I'll always be here, somewhere. If not next to you then in your heart while I look for the actual you.”

 

“You promise?” Erin asks around a sniffle as she moves away from Jillian’s chest to look her in the eye. 

 

“Yeah,” Jillian says pulling back so she can lift up their joint hands looking to their new rings. “I promise.”

 

“Good,” Erin says as a wave of exhaustion hits her and her eyes flutter closed for a second. 

 

“Don't fight sleep, Er. God knows we'll need it before long,” comes the gentle lap of Jillian’s voice but it isn’t even necessary to say because Erin’s hands are already slumber-heavy. “Close your eyes. I'll be here when you wake.”

 

“Promise?” Erin mumbles as the blonde moves to lie flat on her back and Erin settles against Jillian's chest, already half asleep. 

 

“Yeah,” Jillian says whisper-soft, stroking Erin's hair, her nails scratching pleasantly against Erin’s scalp. “I promise.”

  
  


-

  
  


They shift while they sleep and Erin wakes up alone.

 

It takes her a week before her heart stops hurting enough to get out of bed. 

  
  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed and I promise the next one is a little happier. Well, it has very happy bits and is also very long, I think? 
> 
> I'll be back with that in a few days but in the meantime come say hi on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com)  
> or drop me an ask, whatever your heart desires.
> 
> xx


	11. eleven, part one.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In one world, Erin wakes up a highly successful museum curator and meets Jillian as a fresh-faced PhD graduate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> Sorry for the little delay between chapters, real life has been boringly crazy the last few weeks.
> 
> This chapter was huge so I decided to split it up into two parts so I could give you part one sooner, and you didn't have to wait for me to edit part two.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this au, it's a little different to the others but I think it's different in a good way. You'll see what I mean...
> 
> Oh, and I keep forgetting to say but this story is almost all done! I've got a few chapters left but we are most definitely on the homeward stretch now. 
> 
> x

-

 

**eleven.**

museum curator au.

 

(part one.)

  

-

 

In another world, Erin curates the biggest museum in a country like their United States.

 

Her speciality, she learns, is in art antiquities, specifically Greco-Roman, although it has been years since she was in a position to manage a collection that closely, moving from major museum to major museum over the past ten years, curating at a much higher level.

 

It takes her a while to remember because they've been through dozens of worlds together by the time she wakes here, but when she does, she looks into the catalogue of her museum late one night, smiling when she finds a record.

 

It’s old; written and painted, of a long forgotten warrior with blonde hair and blue eyes and a wife who fought a thousand battles victorious, with a stone wrapped in leather around her neck as her talisman. The warrior, the book tells, died hand in hand with her love in their seaside villa at an age utterly unheard of for people of their time, let alone her profession.

 

Erin has only been in this world for a week when Jillian comes to her, a fresh-faced PhD graduate applying for a position managing one of the natural history collections in the lower floors of the museum.

 

She is beautiful in her youthfulness and vigour, and she falls in love with Erin the moment she walks through the door for her final interview.

 

Erin hasn't had a chance to pick up the CV her assistant left on her desk yesterday morning, no clue to Jillian's arrival preceding the woman herself, so Erin's breath catches almost noisily in her throat when Jillian walks into her office.

 

She's dressed in an impeccable suit; black jacket and pants tightly tailored and not unlike others Erin has seen her wear in other worlds, although she has the distinct impression that this is the first time Jillian has worn this particular outfit, the way she pulls at the collar a dead giveaway of her discomfort.

 

Erin greets her in a white shirt and a tan skirt, her glasses perched at the end of her nose, and she doesn't miss the way Jillian's eyes travel a little slower than appropriate up her legs before she meets Erin's eyes.

 

“Doctor Gilbert?” Jillian asks, her hand out and her eyes bright. “I'm Jillian Holtzmann. It's a pleasure to meet you.”

 

Erin takes a moment, savouring her presence before she slides her glasses off and takes Jillian's hand.

 

“Doctor Holtzmann,” Erin says as her hand slides into Jillian's and her heart _sings_. “And the pleasure’s all mine.”

 

She doesn’t move for a moment, giving herself over to the task of capturing exactly what this incarnation of Jillian’s soul looks and smells like.

 

She gives in to formality after a moment though, smiling as she takes note of Jillian most _definitely_ registering the pause following her introduction.

 

“I'd offer you a seat but I'd actually prefer to walk you through the museum if you don't mind?” Erin says as her eyes move over Jillian once more.

 

“Not at all,” Jillian says, her surprise at the slightly unorthodox interview method well hidden. “Lead the way.”

 

They walk through the halls, past Erin's favourite pieces and she supposes she should put Jillian out of her misery by letting her know she's already secured the position, but she's enjoying their verbal back and forth too much to interrupt it.

 

They stop outside the Hall of African Mammals and Jillian pulls at the top button of her shirt collar absentmindedly, trying to wriggle her finger underneath it, and Erin just stops to watch, smiling at her struggle.

 

It takes Jillian a moment to realise she has an audience, but when she does, she spins to Erin with a smile.

 

“Sorry,” Holtz says, a slightly guilty look on her face. “I promise this isn't the first time I've had a shirt on, it's just new and a little starchy and…. _god_ I don't need to be telling my prospective boss any of this, do I?”

 

“It's quite alright,” Erin says with a smile as she moves to help Jillian with the stubborn button.

 

She feels the blonde freeze beneath her hands as her fingers slide over the plastic easily, and then Erin does too.

 

“I'm sorry, that was a little familiar,” Erin says recognising her mistake, backing away slowly. “I promise I don't normally manhandle my new staff.”

 

“It's ok,” Jillian says with a slightly glassy look in her eyes as she watches Erin with a soft but distracted intensity. “Really, it's ok.”

 

She stands back, frowning slightly as her hand moves to the fastening, running her fingers over the little circle, mirroring Erin's actions from a moment ago.

 

“This is going to sound a bit mad, but have we met before?” Jillian asks her with a frown.

 

It's becoming more and more common, this déjà vu that seems to be beginning to permeate the fabric between realities where Jillian doesn't fully remember, and Erin is suddenly struck by the intensity and magnitude of the universes and memories fighting for dominance in Jillian's head.

 

“I don't think so,” Erin says easily and she watches as Jillian's face falls a little. “I think I would have remembered you.”

 

It lights up again brilliantly at Erin's addition, and Erin watches as the cogs turn in her head.

 

“I know what you mean,” Jillian says with a slight smirk, a hint of flirtation in her voice. “I _definitely_ would have remembered you too. Something about you just feels so familiar though.”

 

“Maybe it's just a sign we're going to work well together?” Erin says with a smile as she takes a step back.

 

“Work together?” Jillian asks, hesitantly. “As in, I've got the job?”

 

“Of course,” Erin says casually. “You don't think I'd spend an hour and a half walking around my museum with just anyone, do you?”

 

“Thank you,” Holtz says a little speechless as her cheeks flush red. “Doctor Gilbert, really. I don't know what to say.”

 

“Say yes,” Erin says with a soft smile, her eyes lighting at the joy in Jillian's. “And then I'll say, congratulations.”

 

“Yes,” Jillian says quickly as she holds her hand to shake Erin's. “God, yes. When can I start? Right now?”

 

“More or less,” Erin says with a smile, Jillian's enthusiasm catching. “Come on, I'll show you to your new office.”

 

-

 

It's harder than Erin thought it would be, having Holtz so close to begin with, in such a professional setting, because while she's reasonably sure the other woman would have no objection if Erin chose to walk into her office and kiss her senseless, it's more than a little inappropriate given their hierarchical standing.

 

She takes a deep breath as she leaves Jillian to settle into her new office, close to Erin's and much nicer than someone of her grade would normally be given, calming herself. Because it's not like she hasn't been here before, settling in for the long game, and at least Jillian is _here_ , near her.

 

Because Erin’s had the alternative, she’s _decades_ without her, and that is more painful than death, so this?

 

This is easy.

 

She can wait _years_ if she has to.

 

Erin knows it won't take that long though.

 

She knows, because she watches the way Holtz's eyes follow her as she walks her halls at lunchtime, stopping by Erin's office just before midday with a coffee and a muffin and a smile and an offer of company, and knows the blonde will break here before she does.

 

-

 

It takes her a month to work up the courage to ask Erin on a date.

 

It's late one Friday night and Erin's trying to close a deal to secure a new exhibition for their contemporary art collection. She's determined to get it finished before she leaves for the weekend, despite the lateness of the hour, so she's surprised to hear the knock on her door at half past eight.

 

“You don't live here, do you?” Jillian asks with a cheeky smile as she leans against the door to Erin's office.

 

“I could ask you the same question,” Erin returns with a grin as she takes her glasses off, rubbing at the bridge of her nose. “You should have left hours ago.”

 

“Somebody once told me you should never leave before the boss,” Jillian says as she adjusts the leather satchel draped over her shoulder, smiling back.

 

“Ah, well, if that were the case then we'd both never leave and we can't have that, can we?” Erin says as she pushes back in her chair, rubbing at the crick in her neck.

 

“You know, I've got a great masseuse in my phone book if you need one,” Jillian says motioning to Erin's discomfort with a shrug.

 

“Really?” Erin says with a light laugh, and Holtz drops her face in her hands, her cheeks turning slightly ruddy in embarrassment.

 

“God, I have no idea why I can't get my foot out of my mouth around you,” Holtz says as she rubs at her forehead. “I promise I sound more affluent to our visitors.”

 

“I don't doubt it,” Erin says, smiling at the youthful blush across Jillian's face. “Seriously though, you're on your way home, yes? There's no reason for you to be wasting away in here on a Friday evening.”

 

“You either,” Jillian says with a raised eyebrow. “You must have someone at home waiting for you, surely.”

 

_Ah_ , Erin thinks with a smile. _There it is._

 

The **beginning**.

 

She had thought it was reasonably common knowledge amongst the staff that she was unattached, sure she's made mention of her empty bed to Holtz at least once before now, but perhaps not.

 

Or perhaps this is just part of the game.

 

“Nope,” Erin says with a casual shake of her head. “Just me.”

 

“Ah,” Holtz says smiling subtly to herself, nodding as though Erin's just confirmed her suspicions. “In that case then, I wonder if you'd let me take you out for a drink? I haven't really had the chance to say thank you for giving me this opportunity.”

 

“You don't have to take me to dinner to thank me,” Erin says with a grin. “You're doing an exceptional job, that's thanks enough.”

 

“Dinner?” Jillian says in mock shock. “I _believe_ the invite was to drinks, but I suppose I can be persuaded to extend that….”

 

“Not shy, are you? Don't you know you're supposed to kiss the boss's ass, not give her a hard time?” Erin says with a smirk as she appraises Jillian.

 

“I'll be sure to keep that in mind,” Jillian says as she settles back against the door frame, and Erin doesn't miss the flirtation that time.

 

“I'm almost done if you don't mind waiting a few minutes?” Erin says, gesturing a hand to her computer screen. “You're allowed to sit, you know?”

 

“Thanks,” Jillian says as she folds herself into the chair opposite Erin's desk, pulling her phone out of her bag. “Take your time.”

 

“What about you?” Erin says as she proofs the final line of her email before hitting send. “I'm not keeping you from anyone?”

 

Because she's assumed based on the fact that she's only ever seen Jillian alone here, but her heart stops for a moment, because she doesn't actually _know_ that she's not attached.

 

“Nope,” Holtz says with a smile, and a shake of her head, and Erin _breathes_. “Married to my work.”

 

“Good,” Erin says looking her directly in the eye, trying to make sure there's no possible way to misinterpret her reply.

 

“Ditto,” Jillian says, smiling subtly as she holds Erin's gaze steady.

 

They stare at each other for approximately ten seconds longer than is in any way appropriate for a boss to look at her much younger employee, but neither one wants to give up.

 

Erin does in the end though, dropping her gaze to check the time on her screen, suddenly desperate to leave and play with Jillian in the world outside of this museum, to watch her smile at the first hit of fresh air when she walks outside and gets distracted by anything pretty made of light.

 

“Two minutes,” Erin says with a small quirk of her lips.

 

“Shall I count?” Jillian says as she crosses her legs, tapping her fingertips on her knee.

 

Erin just glares a little as she drops her eyes to the screen, hitting send quickly before pushing away from her desk, collecting her scarf off the back of her chair.

 

“Right,” Erin says as she drops her glasses onto the desk. “Where are you taking me?”

 

-

 

They eat at Erin's favourite Italian restaurant just down the street, and Erin learns about Jillian's story here in this world before the blonde offers to walk her home.

 

“You have absolutely no idea where I live,” Erin says with a laugh as they walk out into the cold, berating herself for having left her jacket in her office. “It could be _miles_ away.”

 

“It _could_ ,” Jillian reasons as she shrugs her coat off, offering it to Erin who shakes her head with a frown before Holtz scowls, and she takes it begrudgingly. “But something tells me it's not. Within walking distance of the museum, I'll bet.”

 

Erin frowns because she's right, of course she's right. She'd wanted to be as close as possible to her work, her museum full of treasures too precious to live too far away.

 

“Am I wrong?” Jillian says with a smile. “I'll bet you dinner on it.”

 

“You just bought me dinner,” Erin says with another frown but it's hard to hold, because the blonde's coat is warm and it smells exactly like _her_ Jillian, the **original** one. “Which I will absolutely reimburse you for. And also no, I'm not taking that bet.”

 

“You absolutely will not, and why?” Jillian asks with a widening grin. “Because I'm right?”

 

“Am I really that easy to read?” Erin says with another frown.

 

“I don't think so,” Jillian says thoughtfully. “Maybe just to me?”

 

She realises her slip of familiarity this time, a little line of worry settling into her forehead, and Erin can't help but smile at it.

 

“I'm a street over, and if it's not out of your way, I'd love the company,” Erin says finally conceding.

 

“Good,” Holtz says with a grin as she holds her arm out to Erin. “Lead the way?”

 

Erin stares at it for a moment, and it's not that she doesn't want to take it, she really, _really_ does but this is pushing it, especially if someone from the museum sees them.

 

Holtz takes note of the hesitation and Erin knows she's about four seconds from taking it back and maybe closing herself off a little, so Erin steps in and takes it, sliding her hand around the inside of Jillian’s elbow.

 

“Thank you,” Erin says looking over to Jillian as they start walking again, and her whole body lifts with the smile that lights her face.

 

“Anytime,” Jillian says with a hint of shyness, staring at their feet as they fall into step, perfectly.

 

The walk to Erin's building is mostly silent, Erin not wanting to break the gentle silence that's moving between their bodies through her hand, filling out the edges of her soul like she's recharging it.

 

Erin pulls them to a gentle stop when they reach the glass atrium of her apartment building and Jillian looks up, whistling softly.

 

“Jeez, you live here?” She asks, looking down to Erin with slightly amazed eyes. “Wow.”

 

“It's very nice, yes,” Erin says modestly, pulling back from Jillian reluctantly as she looks up at the building too. “Thank you for walking me home.”

 

“My pleasure,” Jillian says as they stop, smiling at Erin before shivering lightly.

 

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Erin says as she shrugs Holtz’s jacket off. She knows she should just hand it to her, but she can't resist the urge to lean forward and drape it over the blonde's shoulders. “Thank you, Jillian. You must be freezing.”

 

“I'm ok,” Jillian says as another, _bigger_ shiver ripples through her shoulders.

 

“God, I've probably given you a chill,” Erin says scolding herself as she runs her hands up and down Jillian's arms in an attempt to warm her.

 

“I'll live,” Holtz says smiling at Erin's worry. “Besides, it was worth it.”

 

And Erin's kind of at a loss for what to say next because she knows they've reached the natural conclusion of the evening, but she really, really doesn't want to part ways just yet, her body _alive_ in such close proximity to Jillian's, the diamond in her pocket warm against the fabric of her clothes.

 

The voice sitting on her shoulder is telling her to be sensible, but the one with a hand at her back and fingers around her heart pushes _harder,_ and Erin's next words tumble out of her mouth.

 

“Look, I know this is breaking about fifty rules but I had a really really nice time tonight and you're obviously freezing cold, do you want to come up for a nightcap before you leave? I can give you a jacket too, to walk home in.”

 

“You're the boss,” Holtz says with a smile and Erin blanches, because that's not why she wants Jillian to come up.

 

The blonde seems to pick up on her misstep because she hastens to fix it, reaching for Erin's hand.

 

“I mean you get to make the rules,” Jillian says clarifying quickly. “You're the boss, right? You get to do what you want.”

 

“Yeah,” Erin says smiling at the way that Jillian's eyes darken ever so slightly around the edge of her words. “I am. And I do.”

 

“I’d love to,” Jillian says with one last slightly flirty smirk. “Boss or no.”

 

Erin smiles carefully in return because the invitation is platonic….for now at least, and she thinks Jillian knows that but she's pushing too, and Erin knows that's so fucking dangerous but it's delicious as well, and she can taste the sweetness of it on her tongue.

 

Erin doesn't bother to say anything else, just turns on her heel and hears Jillian fall into step less than a second later.

 

They ride up the elevator in silence. Jillian stares at her own hands folded across her lap, unmoving until the bell dings for Erin’s floor. She holds one out to keep the door open, gesturing for Erin to go first before the other brushes so lightly across the small of Erin's back, that she's not sure she even felt it.

 

She feels her cheeks grow warm though, and does her best to keep her own hands steady as she unlocks the door, dropping her keys on the table just inside the door when they move through it.

 

Jillian whistles low when she walks in, her eyes moving appraisingly across the apartment as she shrugs off her coat in the warmth of the room.

 

“Well this place is awful,” Jillian says with a wink as she drapes her coat over the back of one of the bar stools at the high breakfast bar before Erin gestures for her to sit, walking around into the kitchen to open a cupboard.

 

“I know, right?” Erin says with a smile as she produces two crystal glasses, setting them with a tink on the marble counter-top. She sets about pouring them both a scotch, catching Jillian's curious gaze as she slides the glass to her from the opposite side of the bench, an arm’s length away.

 

“Sorry,” Erin says, realising her mistake and assumption. “I don't know why I didn't ask. Do you like scotch?”

 

The question’s moot really because she _knows_ Jillian likes scotch, particularly _this_ scotch which is why she has it in the house, but _this_ Erin Gilbert doesn't know that.

 

Not yet.

 

“I do,” Jillian says a little amused. “A lot, actually. This is my favourite.”

 

“Lucky guess then,” Erin says trying to skim over her mistake as she hides her blush and takes a sip, but Jillian's too astute for that.

 

“Yeah,” Jillian says slowly, eyeing Erin with a vague smile. “Lucky guess. Hey, are you sure we've never met before?”

 

“Here?” Erin asks, gesturing to _this_ present. _This_ world. “Pretty sure, yes.”

 

“Huh,” Jillian says like she knows this is true, but somehow still isn't convinced. She shakes it off though, raising her glass to Erin “Cheers.”

 

“Cheers,” Erin says as she looks over the top of her glass and straight into Jillian's eyes. “To past lives.”

 

“To past lives,” Jillian says smiling in return, her eyes locked with Erin's as she takes her own sip, toasting Erin. “So you live here alone, huh?”

 

“Just me,” Erin says looking around the immaculate apartment, the city lights mirrored off the glass that surrounds them on all sides.

 

“It's a big apartment for one person,” Jillian says casually. “You never planned for a family?”

 

“Wow, how's that for a hard-hitting question at ten-thirty at night?” Erin says with a laugh as she takes another sip, relishing the burn as the liquid travels down her throat.

 

“Sorry,” Holtz says a little sheepishly, her cheeks flushing pink. “I didn't mean to cross a line. Don't feel like you have to answer that at all.”

 

“It's fine,” Erin says with a laugh as she watches Jillian. “Nope, no family. I've never wanted kids. I wouldn’t have said no to a wife, but it just never happened. Work sort of consumed me, I guess. And you're right, this place is huge, _far_ too big for me but I bought it for the library actually. I'll show you if you like?”

 

“This place has a library?” Holtz says, impressed. “Sure, lead the way.”

 

Erin smiles a little shyly under Jillian's gaze, unwavering and solid as she walks across the open plan living room, down towards the end of the apartment with the bedrooms and library.

 

“Is this place the whole floor?” Holtz asks, putting two and two together as she follows Erin down the charcoal hallway, warm in spite of the dark colour. She peers into the two rooms they pass, one of which is Erin’s, as they walk towards the other end of the apartment.

 

“Maybe,” Erin says a little sheepishly as they walk to the last door down the hallway, her hand pausing on the doorknob. “The irony of living for work, I guess. A big flash empty apartment with a big flash library, and not enough time to spend in either of them.”

 

She pushes the door open, standing back allowing Jillian to walk in first, and it's a bit dramatic but the library is _that_ beautiful that Erin can't help but be a little showy with it.

 

“Holy _shit_ ,” Jillian says, aghast as she walks into the room, suddenly dwarfed by ten feet, floor to ceiling shelves, that cover two entire walls with books and small pieces of art.

 

It's enormous, beautiful, and contains some of the most exquisite paper and sculpture on the face of this earth, the single most valuable collection of possessions Erin has ever seen beyond the flawless diamond in her pocket.

 

“Jesus _Christ_ , Erin is that Geographia Cosmographia?” Jillian says breathlessly, her finger trailing delicately over the spine of a few of the books at eye level. “Do you have any idea how much that's worth?”

 

“Kind of,” Erin says with a little laugh. “Considering I wrote the cheque that paid for it.”

 

“Oh,” Holtz says turning to Erin with a blush. “Of course. I'm sorry, I forgot….”

 

“It's ok,” Erin says with a smile. “I know it's not the norm for a single woman to buy herself art worth a small fortune. I just, I don't know….seemed such a waste to have all that money in the bank, and I wasn't doing anything else with it. Might as well have it in a form I can see, right?”

 

“Totally,” Jillian says, her mouth still wide as her eyes crawl over the spines hungrily, drinking in the titles and authors. “God, Erin this collection is beautiful. How long have you been….”

 

“I bought my first book with my first proper paycheck,” Erin says standing back as the blonde moves forward, eager to take in more. “An old first edition Austen, and it started from there.”

 

Jillian nods, acknowledging Erin's words but she doesn't turn just yet, her eyes fixed on the art in front of her. Her fingers dance along the shelves delicately, before they slide around the rungs of the ladder, resting gently to allow access to the top of the display.

 

“I don't think I ever want to leave,” Jillian says turning to her suddenly with a smile. “I think I want to live in here with all your books and art.”

 

“I know what you mean,” Erin says gesturing to the leather chaise in the corner with a smile. “That's why the chair’s in here. I kept falling asleep laying on the floor as I read. I know the bedroom is right next door, but I love falling asleep in here. It's so peaceful.”

 

“I can imagine,” Jillian says as she finally tears her eyes away and walks back over to Erin with a wide smile. “Thank you for showing me. I don't think I've seen anything more incredible in my entire life.”

 

Jillian shakes her head then and she's about to speak again when she bites the words back. Erin catches it though, her eyes narrowing curiously.

 

“What were you going to say?” Erin asks, the scotch in her hand and it’s warmth in her throat making her **bold**.

 

“Nothing,” Holtz says quickly, shaking her head again as she looks back to the shelves. “It was nothing.”

 

“You're a _terrible_ liar, you know that right?” Erin says with a smirk. “And I'm pretty sure as your boss, I can make you tell me regardless.”

 

“I thought we weren't playing that game,” Jillian says astutely, her eyes narrowing at Erin, and Erin smiles broadly because _god_ she's missed this banter.

 

“I play whatever game I want,” Erin says as she takes another sip, and Jillian mirrors the action. “So, as your boss, you have to tell me what you were going to say.”

 

Jillian looks at her, her eyes beautifully alight with something that looks like conflict and desire wound around each other like lovers.

 

She bites her lip, obviously weighting Erin's words against her moral compass as she rolls the crystal glass between her palms. She looks up to Erin once, their eyes catching heavily enough to take Erin's breath before she speaks.

 

“I think it's _because_ you're my boss, that I shouldn't,” Jillian says carefully as she takes a step towards Erin, and Erin's body turns of it's own accord to make room for her.

 

Erin knows that the moral and ethical dilemma rolling in her belly means they really shouldn't be doing _anything_ that puts them this close together, but it's different, because _yes_ here Erin is her boss, but Erin is her soulmate too, and that means their rules are **different**.

 

And it's not like this never happens, hell, if Erin had been a man she probably would have made a move the first time they'd set eyes on each other. They’re both consenting adults, and it's not like Erin's abusing her power because it's Jillian pushing now, not Erin. Even if Erin is hungering for it in her bones.

 

“I could _not_ be your boss, you know,” Erin says as her eyes fix on Jillian's lips because they're so, so, _so_ close now that Erin can smell Jillian’s perfume like it's on her own skin. “Just for a minute or so. So you can tell me.”

 

“A minute or so,” Jillian says, her gaze locked on Erin's lips too, now.

 

“Yeah,” Erin says as she takes another long sip, biting her lip to stop the hiss at the burn down her throat. “A minute or so.”

 

“I don’t think that's going to be enough time,” Jillian says, her words sounding almost like a lament.

 

“For what?” Erin asks curiously, and it feels like time has slowed around them, swirling like a soft gale with them at the epicentre.

 

“I'm afraid to say,” Jillian says frowning slightly. “What if I've got entirely the wrong end of the stick?”

 

“I doubt you do,” Erin says with a little smirk. “But I can go first, if you'd like?”

 

Jillian nods slowly and Erin’s heat beams at her sweet hesitation before she continues.

 

“I had a really, _really_ nice time tonight,” Erin says slowly, trying to temper her smile, but failing miserably.

 

“So did I,” Jillian says as her smile picks up on the end of Erin's, carrying itself across her shoulders. “A really, _really_ nice time. I'd really like to do it again.”

 

The last piece of the sentence is a question, like she's testing the water, dipping her toes in to see exactly how deep Erin is.

 

“Me too,” Erin says silkily. “I'd really like that too. Maybe you could come here, and I'll cook for you. You can help me fill my big, empty apartment for a night.”

 

And her words are casual enough but she knows Jillian picks the thread up that's woven between them regardless, her lips turning up in a very small smile.

 

There's a beat and Erin is so sure Jillian is about to lean in, but she stops herself at the last second

 

“Erin,” the blonde says instead, both hands cupping her glass. “Do we need to be more careful?”

 

“Probably,” Erin says, but all the can think is _Jillian_ , _Jillian_ , _Jillian_. Because she's Erin's, and she's here, and this world is nice to them, so far at least, and Erin doesn't want to waste any more time.

 

“Do you want to be?” Jillian asks next, her voice low and heavy and she's closer now too, her lips almost brushing Erin's.

 

“No,” Erin says shaking her head, confident and sure. “No, I don't.”

 

And just like _that_ , the dam breaks.

 

She's in Jillian's arms before she knows what she's doing, and her tongue is in Erin's mouth, and her breath is in Erin's lungs, and it's a _complete_ sensory overload.

 

Their glasses end up on the side table and _they_ end up on the couch as Jillian sweeps Erin up into her arms, pressing her down into the soft leather.

 

She slides seamlessly between Erin's legs, and Erin's thighs wrap around her waist, and it feels like muscle memory because _it is_ . Because they've done this **hundreds** of times now.

 

They kiss, and kiss, and kiss, and Erin's hands never settle on Jillian's body for a second because she can't decide where she wants to touch most, so they roam everywhere as she maps out constellations with her fingertips.

 

Jillian's not much better, her hands slide up the outside of Erin's thighs before they settle just beneath the hem of her dress, stopping before they move up and over the fabric, over the curve of her hips.

 

Her fingertips skim the bottom of Erin's breasts and Erin’s breath _hitches,_ and it makes Jillian pause immediately, her hands stilling as they splay across Erin's ribs.

 

“Don't stop,” Erin says quickly, as she pulls Jillian back to her. “It's a good noise. Trust me.”

 

“You're sure?” Jillian asks, and it's clear that she doesn't just mean in this moment. Instead, she's referring to _all_ of what they're doing. What they're **about** to do.

 

“Yes,” Erin says as her hands thread in Jillian's hair. “But if you're not….”

 

“I am,” Jillian says, nodding. “I really, _really,_ want….I just don't….”

 

The conflict in her eyes makes Erin's heart ache because Jillian is always _such_ a good person, every single iteration of her in every single world, and Erin knows that they don’t need to rush this, now. She knows they'll be together eventually, so she makes the decision to pull back.

 

“Maybe we should stop,” Erin says, although it makes her blood scream because she really, really, doesn't want to.

 

“Do you want to?” Jillian asks, pulling back slightly, her face falling.

 

“No,” Erin says easily, smiling as she shakes her head. “ _Definitely_ not, but I don't want you to feel conflicted or unsure or…..”

 

“But you do want me?” Jillian asks slowly as she looks down to the position of her hand over Erin's heart.

 

“Yes,” Erin says as she bites her lip. “Very much so.”

 

Jillian is still for approximately two seconds before she leans in and kisses Erin with more soul than the last several worlds combined. It's deeper than this simple moment, reverberates _down_ and **through** several streams of consciousness, and when they part both their hands are shaking.

 

She will learn much, _much_ later that that kiss marked something much deeper, a transcendence into a different layer between their worlds, and their nearness to the endpoint through this maelstrom of inevitability.

 

“I don't want to go,” Jillian says slowly. Carefully. “I want to stay.”

 

“I want you to stay, too,” Erin says soothingly as her heart starts hammering in her chest, because it knows how close they are to giving in. “So stay.”

 

And just like that Jillian s n a p s.

 

Erin can see the decision gloss across her eyes, she can feel the ache as their bodies stretch for each other, and before Erin can blink, Jillian is on her like a woman possessed.

 

It's different though, there's something off, and there's a flash as their eyes meet before Jillian's teeth settle into Erin's neck where Erin sees Jillian.

 

She sees _her_ Jillian, the original prime Jillian and she knows somehow, through some crack in the fabric that _her_ consciousness has settled in this body, and it makes Erin's hair stand on end.

 

Their eyes meet and there's recognition of _I'm me and you're you and I have no idea how long this is going to last, so I'm not going to waste a damn minute_.

 

For a full ten seconds, Erin loses her breath, and she doesn't want to say anything lest it shatter this glass cage around them but she needs to. She _needs_ to know that she's not just losing her mind.

 

“Jill….?” Erin asks, soft and careful, and it's a question too.

 

“It's _me_ , Er,” Jillian says in confirmation as her face splits and tears fill her eyes, and she winds their fingers together over one of Erin's hips. “I don't know how, but it's _me_.”

 

 

-

 

**end,**

**part one.**

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, how could I, blah, blah, blah... it's a huge chapter though, so don't be too harsh ;)
> 
> Part two will be up in a few days but until then, feel free to stop by and leave a wee comment below, or come and say hello on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com)  
> x


	12. eleven, part two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In one world, Erin wakes up a highly successful museum curator and meets Jillian as a fresh-faced PhD graduate.
> 
> Once they meet, finally, their connection is _tested_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part two lovelies.
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> x

_ - _

__

 

_ “Jill….?” Erin asks, soft and careful, and it's a question too.  _

 

_ “It's  **me** , Er,” Jillian says in confirmation as her face splits and tears fill her eyes, and she winds their fingers together over one of Erin's hips. “I don't know how, but it's  **me** .” _

  
  


-

  
  


“It's you,” Erin says as her and weaves into blonde hair and pulls, crashing their lips together. “God, Jill. It’s  _ you _ . I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

 

“I love you too,” Jillian says when they break away, and it's desperate and sad but beautiful, too. 

 

She presses Erin down into the couch and her hands work Erin's dress up around her hips before they shift the item higher. Erin raises her hands above her head to accommodate the movement, smiling when Jillian throws it roughly behind her. 

 

Erin pulls at Jillian’s clothes too, undoing the top few buttons before giving up and pulling hard at either side, the plastic spilling across the couch, and onto the floor. 

 

“I'll buy you another one,” Erin says with her teeth in Jillian's lip. “One with better buttons.”

 

“I don't care,” Jillian says, sliding her hands behind Erin's back to unclasp her bra, before it follows her dress to the floor. 

 

Her mouth drops to Erin's chest immediately and Erin moans when she arches up into the touch, Jillian's tongue hot on her skin as her hands slide down Erin's sides, pulling at her underwear. 

 

“Wait,” Erin says through a groggy haze, as her hands pause against Jillian's shoulders. 

 

“What?” Jillian asks, freezing immediately. “Is everything ok? What's wrong, Er?” 

 

“The couch,” Erin says, smiling, as her heart lightens in her chest. “I don't want to stick to the leather.”

 

Jillian drops her head against Erin's chest, her breath coming out in a puff as she laughs softly before she looks up to Erin with  _ bright _ blue eyes. 

 

“Take me to bed?” Erin asks as she pulls Jillian back down on top of her properly. 

 

“Always,” Jillian says easily as she winds Erin's legs around her waist, sliding her hands under Erin's ass before standing and walking them towards the door. “God, I hope I get to stay and read everything in this library.”

 

“You're thinking about  _ books _ right now?” Erin asks with a raised eyebrow. 

 

“Not  _ just _ books,” Jillian says, smirking, as she gives Erin's ass a light squeeze. “The apartment’s pretty nice too….”

 

“Fuck you,” Erin says with a smile as she pulls herself closer to Jillian. 

 

“Whatever the lady wants, the lady gets,” Jillian says silkily as she stops in front of the door. “Bedroom?”

 

“Bedroom,” Erin says nodding as Jillian walks through the door, pushing against it back-first. 

 

Erin waits for it because she's been here for weeks now, but even  _ she _ still loses her breath when she walks into the room some evenings. 

 

The windows line the room, floor to ceiling, and they're that high up in the building that Erin can see the entire city on a clear night, lit up like a Christmas tree. The bedroom itself is beautiful too, all charcoals and blacks, with an enormous king bed in the middle. 

 

“Holy shit, Erin,” Holtz says when she looks around, aghast. “This place is incredible.”

 

“Again with the environment when you've got a beautiful woman wrapped around your waist?” Erin teases, because she can, because for this second she has  _ her _ Jillian back, and her soul feels  **light** . 

 

“You're insufferable,” Jillian says, rolling her eyes as she pulls Erin to her tighter, and Erin's heart flutters at the contact. “What on earth are we going to do with you?”

 

“I have an idea or two,” Erin says with a smirk as they stop at the foot of her bed. 

 

She sets her feet on the ground, immediately missing Jillian's warmth, and she watches as a frown paints itself on the blonde's features before Erin's hands move to undo her pants, and the frown turns into a smile. 

 

She slides the fabric down Jillian's legs with a soft teasing touch, just the tiniest bite of nail over the inside of creamy white thighs, before she helps Jillian out of her pants. 

 

The action leaves her in a scrap of black cotton, and not much else, and Erin feels her mouth go  _ dry _ . 

 

Erin is shaking slightly when she stands, and Jillian's breathing is slightly broken, and Erin’s own blood is  _ roaring _ because she can't believe this is happening. 

 

She wants to stop and ask a million questions, but she doesn't at the same time, because they don't know how long they have with Jillian lucid like this, they don't know how long this will hold, so Erin bites her tongue and asks questions with her body, instead. 

 

There's a moment where they both stop though, in spite of the fact that they know they're on a countdown, (because Erin can feel the insistence of it creeping up her spine), where they stop and stare for a second. 

 

“I've missed you,” Erin says softly as she threads her fingers between Jillian's. 

 

“I've missed you, too,” Jillian says with a gentle smile. “Are you ok? Are you doing ok?”

 

“I'm ok,” Erin says honestly, because this world is kind but it's still so far from where she wants to be. 

 

Home. 

 

_ Safe _ . 

 

“I’m much better now,” Erin says,  _ more _ honestly. 

 

“Good,” Jillian says as she slides her hands up Erin's stomach, up to brush at the bottom of her bare chest. “I think I might be able to make it better still….”

 

“Yes,” Erin moans as Jillian's hands cup her in fullness, and Erin's eyes flutter closed the touch. 

 

They move together like water, fluid and silk. Jillian slides a leg between Erin's as she walks them towards the bed, before lowering Erin down onto it. 

 

Their bodies come into complete contact, almost head to toe, and like a snap of her fingers Erin is  _ starving _ , so she pulls Jillian to her a little desperately. 

 

“Don't be gentle,” Erin says when they break apart, her chest heaving. “I want a reminder, just in case….”

 

_ Just in case you're gone in the morning,  _ Erin thinks.  _ Just in case I close my eyes and you disappear. Just in case something goes horribly horribly wrong and we don't have each other for  _ **_years_ ** _.  _

 

Jillian's eyes gloss over, the darkness in her pupils blowing wide at Erin’s words, and all of a sudden Erin feels nails in the soft skin of her sides as Jillian pulls her underwear down like a cat extending its claws, and it makes Erin  _ moan _ . 

 

“God, I want to mark you so badly,” Jillian says with her lips against Erin's skin. “I want to leave you with something. I want you to  _ feel _ me once I….”

 

And it strikes her almost like a blow to the chest, that Jillian would be worried about that, that Erin would,  _ could _ , for one second, forget about her. The true,  **prime** , her. 

 

Because Erin’s burden is that she remembers, but Jillian's is that she forgets, and there is a true tragedy in that, as heavy as Erin's own. 

 

“I can  _ always _ feel you,” Erin says huskily, her voice deep and shaky. “Always, Jill. I never forget. Not for one second. But give me a reminder anyway.  _ Please _ .”

  
  


-

  
  


So Jillian does. 

  
  


-

  
  


They're not gentle. 

 

Their touches are soft in their intentions, but they leave their marks deep, set to last for days. 

 

Erin's entire body is littered in marks, her neck and back a bouquet of purple bruises and red nail marks and white teeth impressions, and when she looks at herself in the mirror the next day Erin doesn’t think she has ever felt more beautiful. 

  
  


-

  
  


She knows as soon as she wakes that  _ her _ Jillian is gone, because the body behind her breathes differently, only ever so slightly different, but it’s enough. 

 

It almost breaks Erin’s heart, but they had the whole night together, and the early hours of the morning, and that eases the ache in her chest a little. 

 

The sun rises to their bodies intimately intertwined, and Erin squeezes her hand as she rolls slightly, smiling at sleep-mussed blonde hair and hazy blue eyes. 

 

“Good morning,” Erin says a little roughly, her voice gravelly from sleep and use, and she's a little hesitant because she's not actually sure how this is going to unfold. 

 

Because she's never had Jillian  _ come to _ like she had last night, before. 

 

“Good morning,” Jillian says, her voice a little clearer, and Erin can tell she's been awake for a while, her eyes less sleep-glazed. She's smiling softly at Erin, although it doesn't  _ quite _ meet her eyes. 

 

“Is everything ok?” Erin asks, her blood cooling a little. “Is something wrong?”

 

For the first time in a long time, she's scared. She's afraid Jillian's little stint of consciousness has interrupted something terrible, and before she can stop herself a thought settles in her mouth. 

 

She doesn't want to say it, but it's like poison on her tongue, and she knows has to spit it out. 

 

“Do you regret….” Erin asks quietly, her voice breaking before she can finish her question. “Do you wish we didn't….?”

 

“No,” Jillian says, shaking her head quickly as she turns to face Erin. “God,  **no** Erin. Not that. Never that. I won't  _ ever _ regret that.”

 

Erin breathes a sigh that makes her shake as she looks to Jillian, trying to read the blonde’s face. 

 

“What is it then?” Erin asks softly, her nerves settling against her bare skin like ice. 

 

“I don't know how to explain it,” Jillian says with a frown. “It's…. like I lost my mind a little last night. I mean, look at you, Erin.  And I'd say it felt like someone else was driving my body, but honestly, I don't think I've ever felt  _ more _ like myself.”

 

_ Ah _ , Erin thinks to herself, her brain moving quickly in the background, because she was wondering how this part would work. She seems to remember the acts, and their actions, and their consent, but not the specifics, or the conversation. Not the exchanges Erin had with the other  _ fully _ conscious version of herself. They seem to be reserved for her and the lucid Jillian. 

 

“I did ask you to do that, you know,” Erin says, blushing a little as she runs her finger along Jillian's neck, over her own matching war-wounds. “And I think I gave back as good as I got.”

 

“That you  _ definitely _ did,” Jillian says with a grin. “I'll be surprised if those lines down my back aren't permanent.”

 

The smile slides off Jillian’s face as she watches Erin though and she frowns slightly, and Erin can see something grey working behind her eyes. 

 

“Something else is bothering you,” Erin says immediately when the frown doesn't wane. “Whatever it is, you can tell me, Jill. I promise.”

 

“It's nothing,” Jillian says, shaking her head. “I don't want to spoil the morning.”

 

“It's  _ not _ nothing,” Erin says insistently as her body feels a little icy again, her fingertips chilled. “Tell me.  _ Please _ .”

 

“Maybe I should just go,” Jillian says as she sits up, taking the blankets and her body heat with her, and when Erin shivers it's not just because of the cold. 

 

It's not the first time they've had a less than smooth start to things between them, but that's normally because there's some other complication, or other people involved, not due to some unspoken issue between the two of them. 

 

Erin takes a breath though, because hurdle or no, they  _ always _ make it through. She had just hoped so deeply to have a world where things were just  _ easy _ , for a change. 

 

She sits up, moving to face Jillian, and she doesn't want to push too hard because she knows how Jillian works, here and everywhere else, and knows that'll only make her withdraw. 

 

Erin does what she knows will work. She’s gentle instead, putting her hand on the bend of Jillian's elbow, speaking quietly. 

 

“Jill, you don't need to go. Just tell me what's wrong. If you don't regret it, then I don't understand what could….” Erin trails off, not quite sure how to finish.

 

“Oh god, I've fucked this up already,” Jillian says as she drops her head into her hands. 

 

“Just take a deep breath,” Erin says soothingly. “You haven't fucked anything up, ok? Just, tell me what you're thinking.”

 

I'm just…. what happens now? With work I mean?” Jillian says to her after a moment's pause. “I've basically scored the job of my dreams and fucked it up in one fell swoop. I mean, I can't -- no I won't -- ask you to risk anything for me but I…. God, I don't know how I thought I could survive this being a one-time thing.”

 

“It doesn't have to be a one-time thing, Jill,” Erin says soothingly. “And you don't have to ask me to do anything, but even if you did, it wouldn't be asking me to do anything I didn't want to do.”

 

“But you're the  _ director _ , Erin. And I'm an exhibition manager. You know we can't do that,” Jillian says a little exasperated. 

 

“I don't care,” Erin says easily, because she doesn't. 

 

Because yes, it's an incredible job, and in this world it's everything she's ever wanted but Jillian is everything she's ever wanted in  _ every _ world, and Erin will  **never** let that slip through her fingers. 

 

“I wouldn't change a thing,” Erin says earnestly, as she looks at Jillian gently. “And I don't regret it. I wouldn’t even if it cost me my job.”

 

Jillian looks at her then, properly looks at her, and Erin feels her  _ soften _ , the lines of her face running smooth. 

 

“I won't let that happen,” Jillian says, her voice stern, and it makes Erin shiver for an entirely different reason. “I won't let you jeopardise your job for me.”

 

Erin wants to argue. She wants to tell Jillian that that's not for her to decide, but she knows it's hopeless, because the only thing stronger than Jillian’s own morality is her protectiveness of Erin, lucidity or no. 

 

She's struggling though, Erin can see it clearly, and it breaks her heart because maybe she should have done this differently. 

 

Maybe she should have eased them into a relationship instead of this, maybe she should have gone in softer and worked Jillian into the idea, but she'd just been so happy and a little desperate when she had seen Jillian, and it's all so hard because there aren’t any rules. 

 

There’s no one telling her what they should or shouldn’t do. What they can or can’t. What’s right or wrong, and it’s fucking exhausting having to make all the decisions herself. 

 

“God, why couldn't you have just been an asshole, or bad in bed,” Jillian says with a hollow laugh after a minute of silence. 

 

She softens again then, taking note of the deep line of worry that must be etched into Erin's brow. 

 

“I'm sorry, Erin,” Jillian says carefully, weighing her words, and Erin can't help but cringe away at the slight detachment in them. 

 

“I don't regret it, not for one second, because I've wanted you from the first moment I met you, but I should never have kissed you. I should have bitten my damn tongue like I've been doing for weeks now,” Jillian says, smiling sadly before she continues. 

 

“I crossed a line Erin. I should never have put you in that position in the first place. I knew what the situation was, and that it wouldn't work, but I just feel a little weak around you sometimes, you know? Not in a bad way, just like I can put my guard down, but sometimes I think it's not that easy? And it needs to stay up for the sake of other things?”

 

_ Not a disruption _ , Erin thinks dryly. 

 

It’s not something unaccounted for that's knocked them into a dangerous tailspin in this infinite-world-machine that’s making Jillian act differently towards Erin. 

 

Towards  _ them _ . 

 

Just Jillian's  **damn** moral compass. 

 

And Erin knows she won't be able to reason with Jillian’s decision. Not in this moment at least, and her shoulders sag with the realisation that this isn't going to be as easy as she'd hoped here. She can't  _ not _ try though, even though she knows it's useless. 

 

“But I wanted you too, Jill,” Erin says with a sad smile. “I wanted you to cross it. And I crossed it with you, hand in hand.”

 

“But you wouldn't have started it,” Jillian tries to reason. “Not if I hadn't made a move.”

 

“Wouldn't I?” Erin asks, her eyebrow raised. “Or was that someone else I was flirting with before?”

 

“God, can you stop being so reasonable about this?” Jillian says frustratedly. “You're making this so much harder.”

 

“Making what harder?” Erin asks carefully, her eyes watching Jillian's quick and keen. 

 

She knows what Jillian means. She means,  _ you’re making it so much harder for me to leave when I already don’t want to _ , but Erin wants her to say it. 

 

Because maybe  _ that _ will make her see reason. 

 

“I….” Jillian tries before her voice fails. “I think I maybe need to go.”

 

She starts to move out of bed, pulling the blanket around her middle underneath her arms. It covers her breasts but exposes the broad sweep of her back, pale and so,  _ so _ lovely, shot with Erin's nail marks. 

 

“Jill, wait,” Erin tries, reaching for the blonde's arm. Jillian gives in for a millisecond, allowing Erin's fingers to wrap delicately around her wrist for a beat before she shrugs off the touch. 

 

“I can't, Er,” Jillian says sadly, in such a deep echo of  _ her _ Jillian that Erin wants to cry. “I just….I feel so damn guilty. I think I need some space….”

 

“And what about me?” Erin asks, the snap of fire in her voice. 

 

She doesn't mean it, she regrets it as soon as it slips out, but she's  _ just so tired  _ and she doesn't know what else to do. 

 

“What about what I want, Jillian,” Erin asks again, calmer, but she doesn't bother to keep the exhaustion from her voice. “Does that matter?”

 

“I'm doing what's best for us though,” Jillian says pleadingly, and it's a question, as though she wants Erin to validate her actions. 

 

“Are you?” Erin asks evenly, and she knows it's a little harsh but sometimes Jillian needs that. 

 

Sometimes she needs a relativity check to realign her against reality, and Erin knows it won't change anything now but it'll hopefully be enough to challenge her perspective as she rests in bed tonight, with Erin's touch still singing across her skin. 

 

“It's not….I just need some time, Erin,” Jillian says and the struggle is clear across her face. “Please.”

 

“Of course,” Erin says, throwing her hands up in acquiescence as she wills the tears to  _ hold _ . “Go.”

 

Jillian drops her head, the guilt plain in her expression as she slides out of bed. She moves silently around the room, collecting the few pieces of clothing that made it to the bedroom as she starts to dress. 

 

She has her back to Erin as she reaches around to clasp her bra together, and it almost breaks Erin's resolve to let her go because the gesture is so  _ familiar _ that it makes her heart hurt. 

 

She slides her underwear up her legs, modesty preserved by the sheets around her waist, before she turns and looks at Erin finally. 

 

“I'm so sorry Erin. I know that's probably not worth a lot right now but….” Jillian says quietly before she pauses. “I'll see you at work tomorrow?”

 

“Of course it means something,” Erin says sadly. “ _ Everything _ you say means something to me. I'll see you tomorrow, Jill.”

 

Jillian stands then and there's a tragic feeling of temporary finality to the action as she goes about readying herself to leave. Erin makes a move to throw something on to see her out when Jillian stops her with a gently upturned palm. 

 

“No, stay,” Jillian says, her eyes a little glossy at the newly revealed skin of Erin’s body. “I'm ok. I can see myself out.”

 

“I know you can,” Erin says calmly as she stands, completely bare, before padding over to the wardrobe to pull on a silk robe. 

 

It's partly a tactical move, and partly because she just doesn't care, because this body is as much Jillian's as it is hers now and she has no shame or reflex to hide in front of her anymore. 

 

She walks up to a slightly slack-jawed Jillian as she knots the robe together, moving past her into the study to collect Jillian's other clothes, handing each piece to her as she scoops them up. 

 

Erin watches as Jillian tries to make do with the three buttons left on her shirt, laughing a little dryly when it becomes apparent that it's not going to work at all. 

 

“I can give you a shirt to wear home if you want,” Erin says with a slightly satisfied grin, strangely glad there's at least some lingering undeniable leftover from their night together. “That was my fault after all.”

 

“I really don't want to put you out, but I really don't want to flash half the city on the way home either,” Jillian says with a frown as she looks up to Erin. “Would you mind?”

 

“Of course not,” Erin replies as she walks backwards into her room, reappearing a few minutes later with a pristine white shirt similar to the now tattered one in Jillian's hands. “Keep it. If it fits and you like it, that is. I owe you one.”

 

Jillian frowns and looks at Erin with a gaze that says  _ you're being stupid,  _ and the mannerism is so distinctly  **her** Jillian, again, that she falters for a second. 

 

“Are you ok?” Jillian asks, and Erin wants to say  _ no, I'm really not,  _ but she can't. Because she won't push, not when she knows how conflicted Jillian is now. 

 

“Sorry,” Erin says, shaking her head to throw the ghost behind her eyes as she watches Jillian slip the ruined shirt off her shoulders before sliding Erin's on. “I'm fine. Just a little tired, I guess.”

 

The blonde frowns again, reading through Erin's lie easily, but she doesn't push either. She pulls her jacket on instead, as Erin walks her to the door. 

 

It's a little awkward because neither of them knows what know what to do or say, the protocol for farewelling your soul mate after a one night stand a little beyond their comprehension, but Erin leans forward regardless. 

 

She presses a kiss to Jillian's cheek, dangerously close to the edge of her lips, smiling a little when it heralds the exact level of flushed cheek and black eye that she was hoping for. 

 

They don't actually say goodbye because it seems kind of moot somehow, and after another heavy pause, Jillian turns to leave. 

 

Erin slides to the floor when the lock click echoes around her beautiful,  _ terribly _ lonely apartment. 

 

And she cries and cries and  _ cries _ . 

  
  


-

  
  


She doesn't see Jillian for the first few days of the new week, or rather, doesn't see her  _ properly _ at least. 

 

She catches a flash of blonde hair around the edges of corridors in the back of the museum, and at the ends of the long halls of their exhibitions, but she doesn't actually see  _ her _ . 

 

And it's heartbreaking but the scratches on her back still burn a little under hot water, and that's enough to remind her what they did have, however briefly. It's just enough to keep getting her up in the morning, but Erin doesn't know what she'll do when they heal. 

 

A few days pass, and then a week, and Erin still hasn't been able to talk to Jillian and it's starting to make her  _ ache _ , so she resolves to go seek her out before she leaves for home, certain the blonde will be one of the last ones working in the evening. 

 

The day gets away from her though and at half past seven she's still at her own desk, waist-deep in reviewing the inventory for a new collection when she hears the door to her office click shut. 

 

She doesn't look up straight away because there's only one person who never, ever knocks, because Erin once told her she never needed too, so she knows without looking who her visitor is. 

 

_ God she's beautiful _ , Erin thinks as she looks on Jillian's face, the week apart only deepening Erin’s appreciation for the soft lines of her face, and the dimples in her cheeks as she smiles shyly back at Erin from the door. 

 

“Hi,” Jillian says softly as she winds her hands together, her eyes crinkled in a frown. 

 

“Hi,” Erin says a little breathily, taking her glasses off and rubbing at the bridge of her nose. “How are you?”

 

“Ok,” Jillian says shrugging. “Been better, I guess. You?”

 

“Same,” Erin says with a matching shrug. “You've been a hard woman to track down in the corridors, Miss Holtzmann. Not avoiding me, are you?”

 

“A little,” Holtz says honestly, looking a little guilty as her eyes meet Erin’s. 

 

She shifts against the door frame and the movement pulls at the collar of her shirt slightly, revealing the ebbing hues of a beautiful yellow bruise, spaced by Erin's teeth marks. 

 

“Why?” Erin asks curiously, because she knows why, they both do, but Erin in this world is brave and doesn't shy away from difficult questions. And while she understands this is how it has to be, it has hurt, this silent treatment, and she wants Jillian to own it a little. 

 

“Honestly?” Jillian asks with a raised eyebrow. 

 

“Please,” Erin says, gesturing for Jillian to elaborate as she leans back in her chair a little, her hands sliding over the armrests like a queen on her throne. 

 

Jillian takes a deep breath, like she's bracing herself to say something heavy, before she takes a step forward and looks Erin in the eye. 

 

“Honestly?” Jillian says as her shoulders stretch wide. “Because I knew if I was in a room alone with you I'd forget all the reasons I should be backing off, and I’d end up kissing you against whatever surface we had available to us.”

 

“Well, I presume you're not here to do that now?” Erin says boldly, holding Jillian's gaze. “So….?”

 

“ _ Erin _ ,” Jillian says as her body folds a little in exasperation and she looks at Erin, pleadingly, like she’s begging Erin to take it easy on her. “I missed you.”

 

“So did I,” Erin says simply. 

 

They both pause then, because neither of them really knows how they're supposed to move forward from here. The silence between them is  _ heavy _ and  _ powerful, _ and Erin can feel something pushing at the small of her back, urging her up out of the chair so she follows, standing without thinking. 

 

Erin doesn't move forward any though, she just holds her position behind her desk, her hands splayed out in front of her as she leans in. She watches as Jillian rocks forward on the balls of her feet, screwing her hands into fists at her sides. 

 

They hold the quiet like fire in the palms of their hands for a minute, or maybe ten, and then all of a sudden it gets too hot. It scorches their skin, and Jillian finally,  _ finally _ , snaps. 

 

“Fuck it,” Jillian says as she pushes off the door frame, walking around to Erin’s side of the desk in a few short strides. 

 

Her hands are on Erin the second she's within touching distance and Erin turns beautifully to face her, gasping when Jillian scoops her up beneath the backs of her thighs and deposits her on the desk with a broken sigh, settling between Erin's legs. 

 

One of Erin's hands threads into Jillian's hair firmly, pulling her close as their mouths slide together. Jillian's tongue pushes into Erin’s mouth with a moan as her other hand sweeps wildly above her head, moving anything and everything on her desk, out of the way, so she can lie back and pull Jillian on top of her. 

 

Jillian understands immediately, reaching over and above Erin to push at papers and folders and books and pens, clearing the desk, before her hands slide down Erin's body. Jillian’s touch moves to Erin’s thighs before her fingers dip beneath the fabric of Erin’s skirt and pause. 

 

She looks up to Erin and Erin almost moans aloud, because she doesn't think she's ever seen someone so taken by lust before. Jillian's hair is loose but not totally pulled free of her ponytail, and her cheeks are flushed, and her eyes are a little wild, and she just looks like she could eat Erin  _ alive _ . 

 

It makes her feel hot, fast, and she watches as the black widens and the blue withdraws as she covers her hands over Jillian's and pulls her skirt  _ higher _ ,  _ higher _ ,  _ higher _ until she feels cooler air caress heated skin. Jillian drops her lips to Erin's neck as she tugs at the buttons of Erin’s shirt, scattering the buttons across the room. 

 

“Only fair,” Jillian says with a smirk down to Erin as she palms a breast into her mouth, sucking hard around the edge of the fabric of her bra, and Erin just melts into her touch. 

 

“I missed you,” Erin says as Jillian's hands pull her shirt open before pushing her bra up to expose her bare skin to the air. 

 

“God, I missed you too,” Jillian says against Erin's stomach as she starts to slide down Erin's body, her mouth hot and wet. “I don't think I've stopped thinking about you for five minutes since I left.”

 

“What does this mean?” Erin says as Jillian's tongue slides over the curve of her hip, and she doesn't want to shatter the moment, but it doesn't feel delicate any more. It feels too set in the ground,  _ they _ feel too solidly bound together to break, this time. 

 

“It means I can't live without you,” Jillian says, crystal clear and beautiful, and Erin almost sobs, almost falls to  _ pieces _ in relief. “It means if you'll have me, I'm yours, Erin. In any way. In  _ every _ way.”

 

“Yes,” Erin says as a tear slides down her cheek. “Yes, Jillian. Yes, yes, yes.”

 

Jillian pauses, her fingers wound around the edge of Erin's underwear as she stops again. 

 

“The door?” 

 

“Locks from the inside after seven.”

 

“Is there anybody else….”

 

“No,” Erin says with a sigh that lightens her bones. “There's only us.”

 

And there  _ is _ only them, but Jillian drags black lace down her legs, kissing as she goes. Her nails draw lines in Erin’s thighs that she doesn’t think will ever fade, and Erin forgets, she forgets,  _ she forgets _ . 

 

She forgets, fatally, she forgets, and she shuts her eyes in the exact moment that Jillian’s mouth  _ closes over her.  _

 

And then they shift. 

  
  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so close to the end now, team, I think there's another chapter maybe and then a wee epilogue, and we're done.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed the second part of this, I know we didn't get to stay with them, but they're together there, and that's all that matters in the end.
> 
> Come say hello on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com), if you fancy.
> 
> oh, p.s: I completely forgot I've got a holtzbert oneshot I still need to share with you all! I'll try and get that sorted in the next week or so but that's something to look forward to? It's very sappy and fluffy and cute and when I can get my A into G, i'll share it :)
> 
> x


	13. twelve.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They flit through some worlds swifter than Erin can keep track of. 
> 
> In some, they only stay for hours, in one or two, less than that even, but Erin remembers them _all_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of our long journey, friends!
> 
> This last piece covers off a few of the au's I knew I wouldn't get a full chapter out of, but wanted to touch on none the less. I hope you enjoy them, even in their brevity!
> 
> I've got a nice little epilogue to finish this all off, which I'll pop up in a few days, but until then, enjoy this last piece!
> 
> x

-

  


**twelve.**

journey's end.

  


-

  


They flit through some worlds swifter than Erin can keep track of.

 

In some, they only stay for hours, in one or two, less than that even, but Erin remembers them all.

 

And Jillian does too, at the end.

  


-

  


In another world, Erin wakes up with dust between her hands and the smell of sand and stone in her lungs.

 

Here, in a county like their Egypt, Erin leads a group of archaeologists as they hunt for treasure in a land _very_ far from home.

 

Their work is hard and their tools and processes are old, early twentieth century, Erin guesses, the first time she slips the muslin shift from her body and replaces it with a linen shirt and khaki pants.

 

Here, she finds Jillian the morning she wakes.

 

She’s beautiful in this world, sand-swept and lovely, her hair pulled back into a messy ponytail as she looks to Erin with eyes that glow with a little more than simple admiration.  

 

“Good morning, Miss,” Jillian says as she peeks her head into Erin’s tent, her cheeks already rosy with the early morning sun. “Can I fetch you a bucket of water?”

 

Erin is too shocked at finding her so easily here, and so soon, and she struggles for words for a moment or so before her mind settles and she can string a rough sentence together.

 

“Yes, please,” Erin replies, her voice breathless as she sits up in bed and Jillian’s eyes _sing_.

 

She looks down to find her loose nightgown doing _very_ little to preserve her modesty, not that she cares anymore but still, things could be different here.

 

She doesn’t know how couples of the same sex are received in this time. If it’s dangerous here, or if she can be free with her affection from the start.

 

Jillian seems to remark her quite plainly though, even though Erin knows they’re not an item here. Not yet.

 

“If it’s not too much trouble, that is?” Erin says as she collects herself more thoroughly, her smile coming easily now she feels a little more herself.

 

“Nothing's too much trouble if it’s for you,” Jillian answers with a wink before she disappears.

 

The soft crunch of footfalls over gravel heralds her reappearance a few minutes later, by which time Erin has managed to half dress herself.

 

She had slowed the process considerably, hoping Jillian would return as she stood with bare legs, innocently pretending to have misplaced her trousers, which, conveniently, she does.

 

“Here you go, Miss -- uhhh,” Jillian says as she re-enters, and Erin remarks the way her breath leaves the blonde’s body in a rush.  

 

“Sorry,” Erin offers, wholly unconvincingly. “I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.”

 

“It’s uh….” Jillian stutters as she struggles to tear her eyes away from Erin’s deeply tanned legs. “It’s fine, I’m sorry, I should have….”

 

She throws her hands up in exasperation of her inarticulacy before turning away to give Erin a moment of privacy.

 

“You don’t have to turn away,” Erin says kindly, her voice sweet like honey. A test, to see how Jillian responds. “We’re both women, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. Goodness knows you’re likely to see more before we leave this place.”

 

The blonde doesn’t turn at once and Erin is worried she’s pushed a little too far, but then she does, and Erin sees that she’s _just_ fine.

 

“Of course,” Jillian returns as Erin watches the conflict of her mind to keep her eyes at Erin’s level, and not lower. “We’re adults, right.”

 

“Sometimes,” Erin teases with a smile as she touches Jillian’s arm, still holding the bucket of fresh water, lightly. “Here, that must weigh a ton. You can set it down over here.”

 

It’s a ploy, because she could have asked Jillian to drop the pail anywhere, but Erin wants to push a little more. Jillian is receptive here, and a little more forward than Erin is used to and she wants to see whether Jillian’s eyes will track the twitch of muscles in her legs as she walks across the tent.

 

Which she does. Of course.

 

She almost trips and upends the pail she’s that distracted, but she does, and Erin can’t help but smile in response.

 

“Here’s ok?” Jillian asks with a blush on her cheeks as Erin stops very close to her.

 

“Here’s perfect,” Erin confirms, and she waits for Jillian to look for the double layer to Erin’s words.

 

She watches as the thought moves behind her eyes and they wrinkle slightly.

 

_There_ , Erin thinks. _That’s it_.

 

The blonde smiles before she turns casually and makes her way back towards the mouth of the tent. Erin wants to stop her, but somehow she knows they have a little time here. Time to explore each other, at least.

 

So she lets Jillian go. Because they have time and the chase is _always_ fun when she knows they don’t have to rush.

 

“Miss Gilbert?” Jillian throws over her shoulder when she reaches the entrance.

 

“Yes, Jillian?”

 

“You couldn’t find your trousers?” Jillian says casually, and the echo is so _Holtz_ that it makes Erin’s palms itch.

 

“No,” Erin says, shaking her head innocently as her eyes find blue. “I couldn’t.”

 

She watches as Jillian’s smile cracks, clean across her face, and she throws a look towards Erin’s half-made bed.

 

“They’re on the stretcher,” Jillian says, and her expression is very clear. That Erin’s been caught but that she doesn’t mind. Not one bit.

 

Erin’s blush lingers all day.

  


-

  


They kiss for the first time a week later, under the light of a lamp outside Erin’s tent, the stars heavy and lovely overhead.

 

Jillian tastes like sun and something akin to aniseed and when her tongue slides into Erin’s mouth and her hands wrap around Erin’s waist to settle at her lower back, Erin _melts_.

 

“Come inside?” Erin whispers against Jillian’s lips as her hand bunches in the front of Jillian’s linen shirt.

 

Her smile is brighter than the constellations above them, and Erin feels her heart swell and leap in response to Jillian’s joy, her own echoed across her shoulders.

 

The stone shines in Erin’s pocket, warm and steadying as Jillian speaks.

 

“I thought you’d never ask.”

  


-

  


In another, Jillian is the caterer at Erin’s sister's wedding, and Jillian falls in love with her in a kitchen doorway at the rehearsal dinner.

 

“You must be the caterer,” Erin inquires from the edge of Jillian’s kitchen, even though she knows _exactly_ who Jillian is. “I’m Erin, Maid of Honor.”

 

There must be something about her here, perhaps it’s the youth in her eyes or the drop in the cleavage of her dress, but in a rare show, Jillian’s ordinary smoothness is amusedly absent.

 

She stares at Erin as she drops the knife she’s using to prepare their dessert with, wiping her hand roughly on her apron as she walks over to Erin with her mouth open.

 

She clears her throat roughly when she comes within arm’s reach of Erin, and Erin can’t help but blush under the intensity of her gaze.

 

“Hi, Erin, Maid of Honor,” Jillian says finally, once she’s composed herself enough to form a sentence. “I’m Jillian Holtzmann, Caterer.”

 

She holds her hand out for Erin to take, and Erin does, at once, trying to hide the sigh that rises when their skin connects.

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jillian Holtzmann, Caterer,” Erin replies but Jillian shakes her head slightly and that smirk that Erin knows so well now settles on her lips.

 

“I can assure you,” Jillian says, flashing Erin a thousand watt smile as she holds onto Erin’s hand for just a _second_ longer than they both know she should. “The pleasure is all mine.”

  


-

  


“So,” Jillian asks the next day when Erin comes to check on proceedings before the ceremony. “You got a date to this thing? Or just unofficially attached to one of the groomsmen?”

 

“No date,” Erin answers simply, because she could be coy, but somehow it feels like they don’t have much time here, and she isn’t going to waste what they do have. “Besides, I have slightly better taste, anyway.”

 

“Better taste?” Jillian asks, and she knows what Erin means but Erin knows she just wants to make sure. “As in….?”

 

“More female taste,” Erin confirms, swiping a strawberry off one of Jillian’s preparation platters as a flutter of activity buzzes around them. “Yes.”

 

“ _Oh_ ,” Jillian says with high eyebrows, like she’s immensely happy that’s Erin’s answer, but she doesn’t really know where to go next. “Good. Me too.”

 

“You too?” Erin asks, collecting a stray drop of juice from the corner of her mouth before she takes her finger into her mouth and sucks it clean.

 

And Erin knows it’s mean and teasing and _completely_ unnecessary, but she doesn’t care.

 

“The finer taste thing, I mean,” Jillian replies distractedly as her eyes find Erin’s lips and _linger_. “Me too, for that.”

 

“Oh,” Erin says, trying to sound surprised for a second before her smile breaks across her face. “Good.”

 

“Good?” Jillian asks before her hand slips and she hisses, looking down to the newly opened cut on her finger.

 

She has to bite her lip to stop from rolling her eyes because it’s so _Jillian Holtzmann_ to cut her hand while she’s distracted, talking to a pretty girl.

 

“Good,” Erin affirms, reaching for Jillian’s hand so she can lead her over to the sink. “First-aid kit?”

 

“Under the bench, but I can do this,” Jillian says with the good grace to look and sound a little embarrassed. “You must have a million other more important things to do, Erin, Maid of Honor.”

 

“You’re important, Jill,” Erin answers distractedly, forgetting herself as she focuses on the cut on Jillian’s finger before she realises what she’s said, looking to Jillian with a hurried apology. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I was….”

 

“It’s ok,” Jillian replies with a smirk on her face. “No one's called me Jill in _years_. I used to hate it, but it doesn’t sound so bad, coming from you.”

 

“Still,” Erin says, a frown on her brow as she tries to backtrack. “I’m sorry, that was way too familiar.”

 

Erin pauses to look up to Jillian’s face, to try and get a read on her, on what’s going through her mind and her heart too, which is _something_ if the racing pulse beneath Erin’s touch is anything to go by.

 

“Can I say something?” Jillian asks as Erin dries off her hand carefully before she pulls a band-aid from the first aid kit. “Promise you won’t think I’m completely mad?”

 

“Colour me intrigued,” Erin says in reply as she fastens the plaster around Jillian’s finger. “Go on.”

 

“Does it sound crazy to say I think you’re maybe important too?” Jillian asks, her eyes dropping to Erin’s where they wrap around her own hand. “I mean, obviously you’re important but I mean I think maybe you’re important to me. Or you will be, if you’re not yet.”

 

“I don’t think that’s crazy at all,” Erin says softly as her thumb moves across Jillian’s palms soothingly, and she feels the throb of something much deeper move between them where they touch.

 

“I know you probably have a full day and night but I can hang around after, if you want to maybe….” Jillian asks delicately, leaving her sentence open for Erin to pick up, if she wants.

 

“I’d love that,” Erin answers quickly, and Jillian beams in reply. “I’d love that, if you want….”

 

“I do,” Erin says and then they both laugh at the words to come out of her mouth on today of all days. “Jeez, I think that’s someone else’s line, not mine.”

 

“It might be yours, someday,” Jillian answers softly, her gaze falling to their joint hands, and Erin can’t not think of their marriages, past and future, all playing along the skin at the base of her neck.

 

“I think it will,” Erin says as she smiles clearly at the blonde, breathing _free_. “You know, I think it will.”

 

“I can give you my number,” Jillian offers after a long pause, during which her eyes don’t move from Erin’s lips once. “If you want? And then….”

 

“Later,” Erin confirms as her body warms with the possibility already, and she releases Jillian’s hands to fish her phone out of her pocket. “Later….”

  


-

  


“I’m pretty sure this is the most cliche thing anyone’s ever done in real life,” Erin pants as Jillian’s hands slide up her sides, over the silk of her dress, as she pins Erin against the back wall of the coat check closet.

 

“What?” Jillian asks before her lips grace Erin’s neck. “Having sex in a coat check at a wedding after knowing each other for twenty-four hours? Probably. I’m not complaining though, are you?”

 

“Definitely not,” Erin replies, her hands sliding up the arms of the white fitted shirt Jillian’s wearing. “Definitely, _definitely_ not.”

 

“And you’re sure you don’t want me to take you somewhere….nicer?” Jillian asks as her hands pause on Erin’s hips. “Because you’re like, penthouse level, Erin. Not closet level.”

 

“Later,” Erin purrs, sliding her calf up around the back of the blonde’s to pull Jillian’s hips flush against her own. “We can do all that later, but I need you now, is that….?”

 

“It’s ok,” Jillian says low and throaty as Erin’s warmth moves against her, and Erin knows it’s probably not possible but she swears Jillian’s eyes darken heavily at the contact. “Jesus, Erin, I want you so badly I don’t know where to start, so yeah, it’s ok.”

 

“A bed later though, right?” Erin asks as she winds her hands through Jillian’s hair. “Because I’ve seen those hands Miss Holtzmann, and I want I see what they can do with _room to move_.”

 

“You should see what they can do even when I don’t,” Jillian says a little cockily as her hands find the hem of Erin’s dress and pull it up, inch by tantalising inch.

 

“Big words,” Erin teases as Jillian’s fingers grace her inner thigh.

 

“Small fingers,” Jillian says as she runs them by way of demonstration up, up, up, until they find _heat_.

 

“But I think they do _just_ _fine_.”

  


-

  


They shift here while Jillian is three fingers deep, and Erin doesn’t even resent it, because the hour they did have, desperate and wanting and scorching in the closet, is that damn good.

  


-

  


In their last world, Erin works in one of the many high-rises in the city just like New York, and Jillian works making coffees in one of the most popular cafes in the district, and she’s so charmingly similar to Erin’s _own_ Jillian, that she falls in love with both versions all over again.

 

The first time they set eyes on each other in this world is one of the most satisfying meetings they have in any world, and Erin thinks she’ll remember it until the day she dies.

 

She almost doesn’t go in the first morning, that’s the most ironic thing. Because she’s already running late for a meeting, and she’d smashed a glass on the way out the door, and it’s not turning out to be a wonderful morning so as much as she’s desperately craving coffee, she’s almost afraid of what will happen if she does stop given the morning she’s already had.  

 

But she does, because sometimes these worlds are easier than others but it’s still chest-achingly hard to pick up this life and carry on while she searches for Jillian, or waits for Jillian to find her. So Erin stops and she takes a breath, and she decides that she doesn’t give a shit if she’s late.

 

She’s having a damn coffee.

 

And then she walks through the door and sees Jillian Holtzman, twirling around behind the coffee machine, dancing to something so familiar Erin feels as though she could almost sing the words to the song that’s playing.

 

Because, _of course_ she’s here.

 

_That’s_ why she’d had to stop for coffee so badly.

 

Jillian is looking down when Erin finally gets to the front of the line, she hasn’t noticed Erin yet, but then she does, and Erin’s axis _tilts_ again.

 

“Hey, beautiful, what can I get yo-- _woah_.”

 

Those beautiful blue eyes look up, and they meet Erin’s, and she’s speechless. She’s actually, honest to god, _speechless_ , and Erin blushes because even though Jillian is insanely attentive and complimentary in every single world, this never, _ever_ gets old.

 

“Hi,” Erin says a little shyly as she waits for some sort of sign or signal that Jillian is lucid here, which she’s not, but that’s ok.

 

It’s ok because she’s still here, and it had only taken Erin a few days to find the blonde, and somehow Erin knows this world will be kind to them.

 

“Uh, hi,” Jillian manages to stutter out eventually as her eyes move over Erin a little hungrily. “Sorry, do I know you?”

 

_Well_ , Erin thinks. _That didn’t take long at all._

 

“I don’t think so,” Erin says easily. “I’m sure I would have remembered those moves if we had.”

 

And Erin knows she’s playing hard to get when she could cut this short, because Jillian is obviously incredibly interested and they’ve only been acquaintances for all of about thirty seconds, but something is telling her to savour this, to drag it out, just a little bit.

 

That something will make it worth it in the end.

 

“Are you sure?” Jillian asks, unconvinced. “You feel so familiar, like I’m sure I’ve seen your face before.”

 

“Pretty sure,” Erin answers with a coy smile as she leans a little closer to the counter. “Like I said, I think I’d remember you.”

 

“Must be going mad,” Jillian says with a scowl before she shakes her head, scoops up a cup and a pen, and turns back to Erin. “What can I get you?”

 

“I’ll have a….” Erin starts before Holtz holds her hand up, cutting across Erin gently.

 

“Wait, can I try and guess?” Jillian asks with a smile. “If I get it and your name right, you have to stop bullshitting me and tell me how we know each other.”

 

“Sure,” Erin replies with a grin and a shrug, because this is _fun_. “Give it your best shot.”

 

Jillian closes her eyes and thinks for a second, hard, and Erin can almost hear her calling on waves upon waves upon waves of memories just out of reach, that she might have access to but they’ll seem like a dream, or memories of a dream, instead of her own memories.

 

“Nonfat cappuccino?” Jillian asks as she opens an eye cautiously.

 

“Lucky guess,” Erin returns. “With what on top then, smarty pants?”

 

“Cinnamon, not chocolate,” Jillian says a little more confidently, and Erin has to admit it’s impressive although she’s more than a little interested at what might happen if they push this, if she tries to get Jillian to call on more small details that only _her_ Jillian would know.

 

“Another lucky guess,” Erin replies with another smile. “You won’t guess the name though, not unless you’ve got x-ray vision and can see into my wallet.”

 

“Erin,” Jillian says easily, and Erin can feel the hair along the back of her neck stand to attention. “It’s Erin isn’t it?”

  


-

  


Erin listens to her gut and drags their courtship out for two and a half months, until she can’t last a day longer.

 

Jillian asks her for her number every morning, she tries every trick in the book to get Erin to give it to her but Erin holds back. Because as much as she wants so desperately to have Jillian in her arms, when she gets this sense to do or not do something, she’s learnt to listen.

  


-

  


One morning Erin wakes and she knows it’s time.

 

She walks to the coffee shop with a spring in her step, trying not to blush too hard at the brilliant smile on Jillian’s face when she walks to the counter or the flirty banter Jillian throws her way after she asks, again, for Erin’s number.  

 

But this time, she doesn’t say no. This time she bends and she gives them both what they want, taking her receipt back from between Jillian’s fingers and scribbling her number on the back of it.

 

She smirks, half-excited and half-nervous as she hands it back to the blonde but as she raises her hand, before they make contact even, she feels something odd.

 

And then their hands touch, and Jillian’s expression changes, and Erin knows, for a fleeting, beautiful second, that that’s _her_ Jillian looking back into her eyes. It’s lucky really, because what happens next takes her breath so hard that Erin doesn’t think anything less than holding her soulmate’s hand would have kept her together at the end of it.

 

Their skin touches and their worlds **shift** and Erin opens her eyes, seconds or hours or maybe even _days_ later….

  
  
  


….and they’re back.

  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've all enjoyed this crazy, ridiculous, wild ride, it's been so much fun for me to write!
> 
> I'll leave a longer note on the epilogue but I wanted to say a thank you now as well, to every person that's taken the time to entertain my madness with this fic by reading or commenting, it's been a pleasure bringing it to you all!
> 
> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com) if you'd like, i'd love to hear what pieces of this were your favourites ahead of the epilogue!
> 
> x


	14. epilogue.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin and Jillian, _finally_ , come home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are everyone, at the very end...

  
  


**epilogue.**

journeys end. 

  
  


-

  
  
  


Erin can still taste the coffee on her tongue when they are torn home, she can still hear the ringing of light and time screaming in her ears when they come to in the lab, and her senses are assaulted with a simultaneous noise of familiarity and unfamiliarity, all at once. 

 

Because they are home, but Erin can’t believe it is true.

 

She knows that it  _ is _ though, because little things are different. The ground feels solid beneath her soul here, and she doesn’t feel a buzzing around the edges of her conscious mind like she did the entire time they were….gone. 

 

The days that follow are like a numb blur, she feels jet-lagged by time and space, and the only things that keep her from falling to pieces are the blonde who's hand never leaves hers, and the diamond in her pocket. 

 

It's Jillian's idea to take the stone to be halved and smoothed, to do something about it and with it, because she can feel Erin's pain as real as though it were her own, and she knows it will help. 

 

Because the diamond is tangible proof that they have travelled, that the worlds and years and  _ lives _ they have moved through were real, and not just some terrible, horrible, twisted joke of their imaginations. 

 

Jillian thinks that doing something with the stone will help complete this whole tormented, impossible, unexplainable journey. That it will help bring it to a close. 

 

Or so Erin knows, she  _ hopes _ . 

  
  


-

  
  


It's almost impossible in the beginning, living with what they have been through.

 

Because after being thrown into so many different universes, equipped with memories and rules, suddenly confronted with her own life, with  _ control _ , Erin feels lost. 

 

Because she's so used to not getting attached to anything, so used to living on the surface, shallowly, in case her reality is whipped from beneath her feet quicker than she can breathe, that she doesn't remember what it's like to be still. 

 

To settle. 

 

But it gets easier. 

 

Because Jillian helps. 

 

Jillian grounds her. 

 

_ Always _ . 

 

The ground each other, actually, and slowly, Erin begins to feel a part of her own world again. 

  
  


-

  
  


The marriage is Jillian's idea, but the wedding is hers. Because she's tired of feeling like an outsider in her own life and she wants this to feel like this is  _ home _ . 

  
  


-

  
  


When it's all over, when they're back and they're safe and the ground doesn't move beneath their feet anymore, Erin and Jillian are  _ quiet _ . 

 

They live a soft existence in each other's warmth with their hands always clasped together, tethering them to one another and the earth, and they're very rarely apart, during the day or night. 

 

And it could be suffocating, constantly being with one another. It could be too much, it probably  _ would _ be in every other eventuality, but not here. 

 

Not with them. 

 

Because they know how cold the world is now, they have had their hands freeze at the edges of lives lived lost and wasted without each other, and they will never let that happen again now they have the power to control it. 

 

They wake in each other's arms, and walk to work with their fingers wound together, and Erin moves her desk closer to Jillian's in the lab because she sits down for the first time when they are back and proclaims it is simply too far away, so Jillian walks over and smiles and helps her shift it. 

 

They talk a lot, because they know how important it is, because they know how easily their joint experiences will smother them if they don't, because what they've been through is  _ far _ too much for one person to bear. 

 

They speak to Rebecca often, together and separately, because she alone of anyone in their lives seems to understand the significance and danger they are in now, of losing themselves to the crushing magnitude of the infinity they have seen, so she helps to ground them too. She listens as they talk and sometimes cry, and it is cathartic for Erin, almost as much as Jillian herself is. 

 

They talk a lot but they touch more, because Jillian's hands  _ heal _ and her mouth  _ soothes _ and her fingers make Erin feel light and safe and  _ free _ . 

 

Their hunger is insatiable and it breathes life into them both on the days when things are harder. 

 

She has had a Jillian a million different times, in a million different ways, (and will a million more), but it is never,  _ ever _ enough. 

  
  


-

  
  


Their final wedding is a small affair. Not plain, just small. 

 

Erin had been expecting Jillian to want an easy courthouse ceremony, so she’s pleasantly surprised when the blonde comes home one evening, depositing a stack of wedding magazines in front of Erin on the coffee table.

 

“What are these for?” Erin asks with a smile as she winds her hands around Jillian's waist, pulling Jillian to stand between Erin’s spread legs. 

 

“Our  _ wedding _ ?” Jillian responds, a little confused at Erin's question. 

 

“Oh,” Erin says, a little surprised, as her hands draw circles on Jillian's back. “Well, I could have guessed as much, I just thought you'd probably want a nice quiet ceremony at City Hall or something.”

 

“Erin,  _ darling _ ,” Holtz says with a frown as she looks down to Erin. “We've been married on the top of a mountain, we've been married in a palace in the middle of a jungle as  _ queens _ , you didn't think I’d have our last one be so simple, did you?” 

 

“I hadn't really thought about it,” Erin replies with a little grin, and she feels her chest grow warm with the thought that Jillian  _ has _ . 

 

“I mean, if small is what you want then it's yours, but I just thought you'd like something a little more grand for our last one,” Holtz says as she threads her fingers into Erin's hair, massaging gently. 

 

“Maybe,” Erin answers as she glances at the magazines. “I mean, if it's something you want too?”

 

Because she never used to want a grand spectacle, and she still doesn't  _ need _ one, but the memories of all their weddings fill her head suddenly, and Erin can't deny that a bit of flash had been special when they’d been lucky enough to experience it.

 

“I want what you want,” Jillian says simply and Erin knows it's not just her placating Erin, because sometimes it feels like they can read others thoughts too, and while she's sure it's just a benefit of having spent so many lifetimes together already, it's still special, and it's because of that, that she knows what Jillian means. 

 

“We don't need really flashy,” Erin says with a smirk as she pulls Jillian closer. “But a bit of sparkle might be nice?” 

 

“A bit of sparkle it is,” Jillian says as her eyes twinkle and she allows Erin to pull her closer, on top of her as she leans back on the couch, and together, they  _ fall _ . 

  
  


-

  
  


The evening of their last marriage is beautiful. 

 

A little sparkle had turned into a little trip away with a little sparkle, but Erin doesn’t mind, and she knows Jillian doesn’t mind either.

 

The venue is a vineyard on a hillside, a few states over from their own, that Patty had managed to organise for them, because  _ there are still a few damn perks when you save the world for a living, ladies _ . And although Erin feels as though she has seen every corner of the globe (and others in a million different universes) a hundred times over, this is still the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.

 

It’s a simple setting, really. The aisle is lined by a few chairs but not a lot, because they really had kept this a quiet affair, but the altar is situated beneath an archway with lush green vines and fairy lights woven around them and the whole vineyard looks out to the ocean, and when she sees it, it takes Erin’s breath away. 

 

The light is low and the first stars of the evening come out to watch Abby walk Erin down the aisle for the last time, towards a Jillian already dissolving into tears with Rebecca behind her. 

 

She holds Abby’s arm  _ hard _ , and she doesn’t know why she feels so emotional, why she’s very nearly ruined her makeup by the time they get to the front, because she’s done this so many times now that she’s almost lost count, until she finally closes her hand in Jillian’s, and she realises.

 

It’s because they’ve  _ survived _ . 

 

It’s because they’re  _ here _ . 

 

And they won’t  _ ever _ leave again.

 

Patty has to clear her throat too, along with half their guests, before she can speak as their celebrant, because the sight of Erin resplendent in white and lace, holding Jillian’s hand, takes her breath away too.

 

Erin looks to Jillian, her fianceé, very nearly her  _ wife _ , for the last time, and everything that’s been swirling around unsettled and unfocused since they returned, every skipped heartbeat and pause, all of that stills, once and for all when Patty opens her mouth to speak. 

 

Jillian looks to her and the light shines off the diamond on Erin’s finger and the one around Jillian’s neck and she  _ comes home.  _

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today….”

  
  


-

  
  


**End** .

  
  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This crazy, ridiculous, so out of this world it's out of this _universe_ -au fic is finally done and dusted.
> 
> It's been an awesome ride, I've loved getting to play with these two in so many different settings, and in so many different worlds, I really hope you've all enjoyed it as much as I have.
> 
> If anyone has any questions, feel free to let me know below here, or come say hi on [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com), but beyond that, I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has read along the way and followed this through to the end. You guys are wonderful.
> 
> xx


End file.
